holiday break

We are so on vacation, that we didn't even mention that we'd be on vacation.

- calvin and jared vacation (separately)

Bailout for Denice

"i give in. i need a bailout.. can i have a post on random things that has recently happened in your life?"

you bet!

Today I

• woke up
• showered
• drove to work
• parked
• went into work
• pooped
• worked
• blogged
• worked
• moved my car
  
• ate lunch
• worked
• browsed the internet
• ate a pb sammich
  
• blogged
• left for fedex.
  

you've been bailed out, hope this helps!

love

calvin and jared blognite

another round on me!

thanks for guessin again!

The truth is #2. I was going to pick up my sister and i got the brilliant idea that I was like a stuntman and could jump out of a moving car. little did i realize that physics existed. so i fell to the ground and my mom rolled over my ankle and foot. luckily for me I had high tops on and I was unharmed. I remember screaming though. being scared of losing my foot and all.

1 is not true. i was actually very talkative and i even talked to strangers. maybe more than i should have.

3 is not true. i actually didnt like spaghetti because when i ate it once in day care I threw up. but i love it now, so no need to worry young marios.

herre we go! the last one of 2008!

1. when i was a kid i loved the taste of ketchup and rice
2. when i was in college i once cooked just a bag of stuffing and ate a significant portion of it for a few days
3. my favorite thing to order from taco bell is the 2 chalupa meal with a pepsi and a hard taco.

good luck!

Ho Ho Ho!

You want a Mac for Christmas?

Don't say we never gave ya nothin'!

love,

Jared and Calvin Give Gifts

snow rankings

Ranking Criteria (from A+ to F, A+ being the most positive grade):

Packability - How effective the snow can be packed together
Cohesiveness - How well the snow sticks together
Damage - How painful the snow is when hit by it
Annoyance Factor - How annoying the snow can be (lower grade, more annoying)
Fun Factor - How fun the snow can be

---

Powder snow
Packability: D+
- You have to push really hard to pack it.
Cohesiveness: D-
- Powder snow never stays together.
Damage: D
- It's like getting hit by flour, no effect.
Annoyance Factor: C-
- Ahh, why won't it stick together!
Fun Factor: A-
- You can still write your name in it...with your finger. Excellent for skiing/snowboarders.
Overall: C-

---

Thick snow
Packability: A
- Too easy.
Cohesiveness: A-
- Stays together except when the snowball gets too big.
Damage: B+
- Good damage, explodes on impact to lessen pain.
Annoyance Factor: B
- It doesn't get very annoying, except when it sticks on your mittens.
Fun Factor: A
- Snowman, snowwoman, snow shark, you can make anything with it.
Overall: A-

---

Slushy snow
Packability: B-
- Generally it can be packed, except if it's been driven over.
Cohesiveness: B-
- It's no guarantee that it sticks together.
Damage: A-
- Slushy snow can smell if on ground or under a car so damage + "poison".
Annoyance Factor: C+
- It gets my pants wet and nasty.
Fun Factor: B-
- Lopsided snowmen just aren't the same as the real things.
Overall: B-

---

Icy snow
Packability: B-
- It's already packed, but you can't add to an ice ball.
Cohesiveness: A
- Ice balls won't break very often, especially if sprayed with water.
Damage: A
- Ouch, critical hit.
Annoyance Factor: B
- It's annoying when people throw a snowball that is actually an ice ball.
Fun Factor: B+
- Sculpture carving
Overall: B+

---

Yellow snow
Packability: D-
- Why won't it pack? It keeps melting
Cohesiveness: D-
- See above.
Damage: A+
- You don't want to get hit by this.
Annoyance Factor: A-
- What, it's not yellow food coloring?
Fun Factor: B+
- Can I have your autograph?
Overall: B-

let the lying continue!

thanks for all your guesses.

the answer is #1 is true.



my stapler is a swingline 690e
and i eat chicken tenders regularly ... not this freaky breading first way.


now time for another round!

1. when i was a kid i was very quiet only talking to those i was very familiar with
2. when i was a kid i jumped out of a moving car and my mom accidentally ran over my foot
3. when i was a kid i hated milk because i drank it once while ate too much spaghetti and threw up

good luck!

From my friend Ryan, who recently paid off all his student loans.

Ryan: http://www.onehorseshy.com/highbrow/no_one_cares_about_your_blog?p=onehorseshy.110165790

Ooooooh!

disssssssssss

me: hahahahha

2008 awards: coming soon

The year is coming to an end, our blog will almost be 1 year old, if we had started last January. What better way to celebrate the end of the year than by having an award ceremony! Awards will be given out, including the coveted Most Loyal Blog Viewer in the Field of Excellence award.

Who can win this prestigious award? It could be YOU.

a post on your blog, Jeremy

"I need a post on my dead blog and a way to get the others to post again, please help me out"

Dear "the others",

Please help Jeremy. He needs it. The beautiful blog you created is dying and like a dog you kicked it. You used to make lovely posts filled with words and punctuation. All that's left is a shadow of a simpler time. I plead with you that you turn off WOW or youtube and log in to your old friend, [enter blog name here] and write something. Just for old time's sake. And forget about the DHARMA initiative just this once.

love,

Jared and Calvin Unite [to bail out]

we can't be slacking when others are lacking

so semi-daily i will post 2 lies and a truth about myself. you can do guess if you wish.

1. when i was very young I had pair of underwear with optimus prime on them.
2. on my desk at work, i have an office depot stapler.
3. when i eat chicken tenders i eat the breading first.

good luck!

bailouts for all!

Need an idea for your blog? Has it been two months between your blog posts? Does just talking about your day seem to be the same boring thing? Is 2+2=4? If you answered yes to all these, then you qualify for a free bailout as a result of blogonomic stimulus package released earlier this month. Don't wait now, let us bail you out! Leave a comment with your blog post request.

Blog sites supported:
(These are the list of sites we will bailout according to the terms in the blognomic stimulus package.)
Blogspot
Wordpress
Xanga
Facebook
Asian Avenue
Karenoch.com

We also accept special requests.

Pending bailouts:
Jeremy
Denice
(We have not forgotten you!)

calvin and jared unite

for jason's xanga

you requested a bailout for your xanga and is too big to let fail. here it is

a poem for your xanga:

an ode

when she is around, i know that she is near
when she is away, i dream that she is neat
the day brings her smell in the air
the night brings her warmth 'neath my sheets
oh gaseous cloud, you are like art
oh puff of stench, you are a fart.

you're welcome

- jared and calvin unite.

Mock Draft - Round 3

Quick recap:

Position	Jared	Calvin
Male Protagonist	Mario	Michael Jackson
Female Protagonist	Link?	Samus Aran
Villain 1	Sephiroth	Bowser
Villain 2	Blue Shell	Shao Khan
Supernatural	Kratos	Zombies
Animal/Monster	Pikachu	Sonic
Sidekick	-	-
Comic Relief	Chu-chu	PaRappa the Rapper
Utility	Master Chief	M. Bison
Bench	-	-
Bench	-	-
Bench	-	-

---

Pick #18 - Calvin selects Katamari from Katamari Damacy - Sidekick

This was a no-brainer. I thought, "What character is so quintessential to the protagonist that the game would be completely defunct with out it." Hence my pick. Items alone makes it the absolutely best side kick of all time.

"Oh your sidekick got 200 coins? Mine collected 10000 pieces of candy, 1059 cars, 503 cows and oh yeah a freaking island"

---

Pick #19 - Calvin selects The Bench from Madden 2008 - Bench

If you look really closely its the bench right between Randy Moss and this poor Miami Dolphin. This bench supports the team despite their losses. Every Sunday it's there to take the kicks the slams the 300lb men. Best. Bench. Ever.

---

Pick #20 - Jared selects Yoshi - Sidekick

Yoshi, the true sidekick of Mario. First of all, Yoshi helps Mario get to places a lot faster whether it is by foot or by flight. Secondly, Yoshi helps attack for Mario by breathing fire while Mario just sits on his back relaxing. Thirdly, Mario literally kicks Yoshi in the side to get him to move (hence sidekick). Finally, the biggest reason Yoshi is the best sidekick: the Yoshi Sacrifice (see above photo).

---

Pick #21 - Jared selects Scottie Pippen - Bench

Scottie Pippen dominated NBA Jam. Cheapest character of all time. How could you be good at speed, 3 pointers, dunks, and defense? If you can have the opportunity to have Scottie Pippen coming off your bench, how could say "no"? Whoooooaaaa, jams it in.

---

Pick #22 - Calvin selects John Madden - Bench

That commentary. THAT COMMENTARY! SO INSIGHTFUL! Plus he has such good tips on how to run the game. 4th and 68? ask madden: "punt" BRILLIANT!!

---

Pick #23 - Calvin selects This Character - Bench

It looks so familiar... does anyone know where this is from?

---

Pick #24 - Jared selects Leeroy Jenkins - Bench

I want a player that has initiative on my team. I want a player that has no problems telling leaders that they are wrong. I want a player with guts, determination, and brains. Unfortunately no such player exists, but Leerooooooooy Jeeeeeenkins is close enough.

---

Pick #25 (Compensation Pick) - Jared selects Bethel Johnson - Bench

Yeah, this guy definitely belongs on the bench.

---

That concludes our video game character draft! Perhaps there will be another draft in the future. Maybe. Not. Not. Double negative implies a positive answer. Not. Not.

blogonomic stimulus package.

here is the long-awaited stimulus package. if you need help with blogging we will bail you out.

jared and calvin unite

a response to the recession

In case you haven't heard, according to the National Bureau of Blog Research, blog nation has been in a recession since the end of November. Some attribute the blame to the increased workload at school and work, others point to rise the family time during the holiday season. We won't know for sure the exact cause, but our blog strongly believes that the recession is a result of a lack of blog ideas. As a result, our blog will focus on releasing a blogonomic stimulus package in the coming weeks in hopes of jump-starting the lack of blog posts as of recently.

The details of the stimulus package won't be released for a while because Calvin has not written it yet (nor does he know he's supposed to write it yet. He will know when he finishes reading this sentence). It may be tough times, but I encourage everyone to keep blogging.

too good to not share.

Make your own, just save me a drumstick!

If you don't speak Japanese: http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.wombat.zaq.ne.jp%2Ffare%2Fchicken.html&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&sl=ja&tl=en

Mock Draft - Round 2

Quick recap:

Position	Jared	Calvin
Male Protagonist	Mario	-
Female Protagonist	-	Samus Aran
Villain 1	Sephiroth	Bowser
Villain 2	-	Shao Khan
Supernatural	Kratos	-
Animal/Monster	-	-
Sidekick	-	-
Comic Relief	-	-
Utility	Master Chief	M. Bison
Bench	-	-
Bench	-	-
Bench	-	-

Pick #10 - Calvin selects Zombies - Supernatural

how scared were you when you first played resident evil? I first played it at midnight at my cousins house and i was completely scared stiff when that first zombie comes after you ... so scary. anyway. legions of the undead that somehow can destroy an entire city yet they cant run. after they kill someone ... they join them. and they roll deep. What a recruitment strategy! bonus points for switching sides. On the flip side, they do lack leveling up skills, weapons, and vehicles. But, as a collective they must own tons of money (that they cant use any more), and every now and then when i kill one they drop keys or gems or whatever i need to finish a puzzle plus, they speak zombie.

---

Pick #11 - Calvin selects PaRappa the Rapper - Comic Relief

PaRappa isn't comic relief in the sense that he's dope. He's just trying to learn skills to win over his girl, Sunny Funny.
Skills learned:

• He learns how to drive- vehicle,
• he speaks english and ebonics - languages,
• gets money from working a flea market - money,
• he bakes a seafood cake. oh yeah, did i mention he freakin raps?! Parappa is ill, better than half the MCs out there to date.
• destroys any MC in his path - kills.

Kick, punch, block
Chop, kick, block
Block, turn, and kick it
Block, duck, punch
Duck, duck, turn
Jump, kick, chop
Punch, punch, punch

---

Pick #12 - Jared selects Link - Female Protagonist

Wait, Link isn't a girl? Dang it.

---

Pick #13 - Jared selects Chu chu - Comic Relief

Calvin's long lost twin stuffed animal. Chu-chu is basically the joke character that you never use in an RPG (e.g. Cait Sith). The hilarity of her love for the main character in Xenogears can only be surpassed by the hilarity of her semi-pokemon speech (she incorporates "chu" into all her sentences"). All the characters in Xenogears get their own Gears, which are basically Gundams, for battling. What does Chu-chu get? That's right, she just has her physical limiter removed and grows 1000 times her size to join our heroes in battle.

---

Pick #14 - Calvin selects Michael Jackson - Male Protagonist

After losing Master Chief, I knew I needed a male protagonist that could make big hits in the clutch. Who else but the King of Pop himself? Rock With You? Don't Stop Til You Get Enough? Beat It? The man made Thriller. Michael Jackson's Moonwalker video game. If you don't know, now you know. MJ FTW!

---

Pick #15 - Calvin selects Sonic the Hedgehog - Animal

Sonic was fast. He was a liberator of fellow animals. He has more rings than the Yankees and Red Sox combined. His main enemy was an egg-shaped man in gigantic destruction machines! Plus his music was awesome. Who doesn't love that music?

---

Pick #16 - Jared selects Pikachu - Animal

Calvin's other long lost twin animal. The face of the Pokémon franchise. Everyone's favorite electric mouse has graced the cover of video games and magazines all over the world. Shockingly cute, yet electrifyingly tough. The only video game character that can be drawn in chat windows:
|\_/|
(o';'o)

---

Pick #17 - Jared selects Blue Shell - Villain

Okay, who can truthfully say that they haven't been burned by a blue (or purple, depending on your eyesight) shell? This faceless villain cares nothing about how great of a driver you are or how big your lead is. Profanity +500% when used, this thing is evil.

---

Final round will be posted soon.
To be concluded...

random thought - black outs

When I was a kid (i think in middle school maybe a bit younger) I was playing with a friend after school in the snow at Munchkin Park.

From the tire swing that made me too dizzy, to the water fountain that never worked, Munchkin Park is a huge part of many young stonehamites' lives. I'm really not sure if that is its official name or if its a name that has developed over time. I reckon it to be a lot like bandaids, post-its or Canada. It might be the fact that its a municipal park? Or maybe because around the park is municipal parking, but I digress.

We were waiting for my friend's mom to come and pick him up and I was going to walk home, since I lived so close to the park. We were running around and playing and then his mom shows up. We began walking towards her car and walked past the bench area that happened to be a rather icy. It was there where I slipped, my body went nearly horizontal and fell and bumped my head.

Now this next part I remember it very distinctly. I blacked out. When I came too I thought I had been black out for probably like 15-20 minutes. After I sat up off the ground, my friend's mom came over and asked if I was ok. I was surprised not only that she would have stayed for 15-2o minutes, but that she would have left me lying unconscious for that long. How dare she. Soon after, I realized I was actually only out for 15-20 seconds, but it felt like a long time!

sidenote: blacking out is such an odd way to alert you that something went wrong. you won't get that message until you're awake. what if peter parker's spider sense worked like that.

"spider sense is tingling, i'm getting my face smashed in."

or

"spider sense is tingling! this chicken needed to be cooked longer!"

ineffective at best ... i wonder if his spider sense was able to tell him like really practical things ... like

"spider sense is tingling, you left the stove on"

Or

"spider sense is tingling, your mom is about to walk in on you pooping."

now that'd put the super in superhero

anyway, that should explain a lot.

love,

calvin

Say it!

This morning, I decided to challenge myself and see if I could get Calvin to say the word "bean", without me explicitly telling him. Here are the results:
[My thoughts.]

me: hey
calvin: sup man?
[Maybe he likes beans in his burrito, we'll start with that.]
me: what do you like in your burritos?
calvin: ummm
calvin: i like rice
[beans..]
calvin: guac
[beans..]
calvin: onions
[and beans..]
calvin: peppers
[come on, just say beans..]
calvin: corn
[beeeanns..]
calvin: pico de gallo
[is that mexican for beans?]
me: what's pico de gallo
calvin: its like the salsa
[dang it!]
calvin: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pico_de_gallo
[ohh, wiki, I'll check it later..]
[he didn't name any proteins, maybe this will work]
me: any particular proteins?
calvin: umm i like carnitas, or steak
calvin: i dont mind chicken but my pref is those two
[okay this isn't working, new strategy, Mr. Bean]
me: do you have a favorite rowan atkinson movie?
[don't say Johnny English, don't say Johnny English..]
calvin: ummm not really
calvin: i've only seen rat race.
[oh yeah, forgot he was in that movie.]
calvin: and id hardly say its my favorite
[ok, he must know the TV show..]
me: what about a tv show
calvin: mr bean
[victory!]


4 minutes, new record.

Trade alert!

This just in...
A trade has commenced.

Due to increased fan pressure and Master Chief's disgruntled contract situation, Calvin has traded Master Chief and cash to Jared for M. Bison and some prospects. Here's the breakdown on the trade.

Jared receives:
Master Chief
Cash considerations (Calvin: I'll consider it)

Calvin receives:
M. Bison
Jason Bay
1 Bag of Lays potato chips

A statement released by Jared's camp(Camp Jared):
We felt that Master Chief should be on our team. After all, we did draft him. But due to a loophole in the draft laws, we lost him. But now we found him. Then we traded for him. And we got him. He's on our team now. We're happy he's on our team. The guy who edits our statements for redundancy is is on vacation. Master Chief is on our team now.

A statement released by Calvin's camp (Camp Fun Co. Land):
I'm really disappointed that we're forced to give up such a great prospect. We had to do it. It wasn't fan pressure. It wasn't. So drop it. It wasn't. The decision was mine to make. I felt like we needed a different dynamic on the offense, I've been considering M. Bison for a while now. The short week had nothing to do with it. It was just time, so I did it. We're not throwing in the towel. We're not giving up on the season. We're going to beat Denver.

Mock Draft - Round 1

Welcome to our first mock draft. Calvin and I have decided to start a league of video game characters. Based off of their performances, points will be awarded.

Here are the categories:

New Game Appearance = +1
Enemy Defeated = +1 per 100 defeated
Appearance on a newspaper/magazine = +1
Level Up = +1
Skill Learned = +1
Language Spoken = +1 per language
Switch sides (good to evil or evil to good) = +5
Weapon = +.1 per different weapon
Item Collected = +1 per 100 items
Vehicle Driven = +.5 per vehicle
Money owned = +1 per 100 units of money collected

Here is the roster breakdown:

1 Male Protagonist
1 Female Protagonist
2 Villains
1 Supernatural (Ghost/Demon/Undead)
1 Animal/Monster
1 Sidekick
1 Comic Relief
1 Utility
3 Bench

Pick #1 - Jared selects Mario - Male Protagonist

To me, this pick is obvious. He represents the entire Nintendo franchise and has appeared in like a billion games ranging from a game where he is a doctor to a game where you have to find Mario cause he's missing.

---

Pick #2 - Calvin selects Samus Aran - Female Protagonist

One of the coolest characters ever and most of the world didn't know she was a woman until very recently. (Now, for some of you.)

---

Pick #3 - Calvin selects Bowser - Villain (1)

The gin in Mario's martini. Tons of appearances. Drives vehicles. Speaks "mwa ha ha "

---

Pick #4 - Jared selects Sephiroth - Villain (1)

The most awesome bad guy of all-time. He makes having a girl's haircut look so good. Honestly he can't be that bad, he just misses his mommy.

---

Pick #5 - Jared selects Master Chief - Male Protagonist [LEAGUE DENIED]

I hate to overload on a roster position, but this guy is too hard to pass up. This guy has gone on plenty of killing sprees, mastered both human and alien weapons, and has no face. Gravity has no effect on him. He's weak against broken shields and rockets to his face, however.

---

Pick #6 - Calvin selects Master Chief - Male Protagonist

Perfect all around character. Items, kills, vehicles and he's got more weapons than an nra after party. Plus he's cute. Done deal.

Nice try cheating, Jared. I was going to choose him way before, but saved him for this round since you already chose a male protagonist! pwned.

---

Pick #7 - Calvin selects Shao Kahn - Villain (2)

The guy steals souls. I know you think "No, that was Shang Tsung." he could do it too. tons of kills. i mean he travels through portals (vehicles) to conquer worlds! he's got a gang of abilities and special moves. his clothes are WEAPONS, for crying out loud! plus he seems just crazy showing up like half naked for a fighting tournament. bonus points for that.

---

Pick #8 - Jared selects Kratos - Supernatural

The "Ghost of Sparta" not only killed the God of War, but he became the God of War. However, since they had to make a sequel to the game, he lost his God status in second game of the series. But don't worry, I'm sure he'll get it back. Kratos is like a mix between Chuck Norris, Bill Goldberg, and a guy with two really big knifes that are attached to his wrists.

---

Pick #9 - Jared selects M. Bison - Villain (2)

How could we forget how difficult and cheap this guy was in Street Fighter II? He was fast, powerful, and impossible to hit (basically the best of three worlds). That corkscrew move that sets you on fire? Yeah, no chance. He's killed Ryu, at least 100,000 times (when I control Ryu, that is) and that's a ton of points for me.

---

The draft will continue in a future post.
To be continued...

(semi)true (non)jokes about my life

Here is a list of jokes that pertain to my life.

they are horrible jokes and should only be used by a professional. jared said theyre stale like stale ginger ale... enjoy. and if you want. add your own! get involved!

• my house is so cold, a polar bear could live in it.
• my room is so dirty, i dont see floor, I see trash.
• my neighbors are so white, we along with an indian family across the street and black family up the street are the only people of color on my street.
• my house is so cold, it is too cold.
• my desk is so dirty, i dont see desk, I see trash.
  
• what do you get when you cross a hamburger with spaghetti? lunch
  
• what's the difference between my desk and my floor? lipstick
• why did the calvin cross the road? to go to sleep
  
• what's the difference between sarah palin and a polar bear? sarah palin doesnt live in my house.
  
• so i walk in to my room. "have a nice trip!"
• i eat so much rice, i should change my name to calvin rice.
• knock knock. who's there. wowitz. wowitz who? wowitz really cold in my room at the exact moment that you are reading this weblog post via the internet.
  
• how many chus does it take to turn on the heat? zero. its never on
• how many blogs does it take to waste a lot of your time? one.
  

expected: random thought posts.

This month ... and probably from here on out, I'm going to post random thoughts or stories. Most will not fit any real theme. If you want to enjoy them, read away. If not, you'll need to destroy the internet to stop me.

What I learned during blogtober

so now that we're in the last day of blogtober i think it'd be nice to just recap what we've learned about ourselves and our world.

with 31 days of blogging, we've accomplished nothing. Not even a full 31 days ... we have like ... 5 posts. maybe we made some of you chuckle. so failure in blogging is like failure in politics. when the dust settles everyone just feels bad. we thought it was a good idea, but life, as usual, got in the way, but i digress. most importantly what did we learn?

• we learned how we can compare everything we learned to politics
• we learned how to avoid answering a question, just like real politicians
  
• we learned we can vote however we like.
• we learned that we only care about our readers every four years
  
• we learned that pedroia and machop are the same
• we learned that some of you like asking questions
• we learned that some of you stopped reading our blog
  
• we learned that some of you think mary jane watson should be legalized in the US
• we learned that jared will never get a wii
• we learned that the joker got an 1793 on the SATs
• we learned that after a heated discussion, crumbling is superior to folding
• we learned the the worst job is assistant to the chairman at the bu dept of pt/at
  
• we learned that farting in public is an art and should never ever be laughed at
  
• we learned that i love talkin to myself in my head
  
• we learned that you are good at reading, yes you you are!
• we learned that november will probably be better than october.
  

Excuses

Sorry, no update at the moment, please check back later.

Excuse: It's raining, so we're suspending our blog for a few hours.

3 days away from the end.

good morning everyone.

the end is near. blogtober will soon be over. our fanbase will cry (hi mrs. lui.) . the rest of the world will rejoice and fire bullets in the the sky in celebration.

it was a roller coaster of a month. kind of like one of those little kid roller coasters that you just ride on because your little brother or cousin wants to ride on it and needs supervision. next month we will go back to our normal format of posting about whatever... kind of like this month. but perhaps we will post more often [calvin nudges jared via the internet] [jared punches calvin via voip] [dial up connection lost.]

brief interruption

No one has complained that our blog doesn't have enough pictures. So therefore as a pre-emptive strike against such complaints, I present to you some pictures.





The resemblance is uncanny. Truly separated at birth.

Tales of the Tape

Name	Dustin Pedroia	Machop
Height	5'9"	2'7"
Weight	180 lbs	43 lbs
Nickname	Caballito or "Little Pony"	Whatever you want as long it's under 10 characters
Growth unit	Age	Level
Type	2nd baseman	Fighting
Special Move	Ball Toss	Seismic Toss
Description	Short, yet powerful	Short, yet powerful
Alternate talents	Defeated Mewtwo	Played 2nd base at the Pokemon Academy
Beats on	Yankees	Clefairies and Jigglypuffs
Weaknesses	Psychic pitchers	Psychic pokemon
Strives for	Championships	Badges
Areas of growth	Batting Average, Home Runs, Defense	Evolution
If traded	Becomes mad at management	Becomes Machamp(after evolving to Machoke)
Quote	“I'm not putting pressure on myself. I'm 22 years old. I just want to be healthy, go out there and play hard and just play my game.”	"Maa..chop"

worst-er pickup line ever

Let me begin with a statement.

Flowers are pretty.

Let me continue with a more relevant statement.

Roses are pretty.

Let me officially begin with a statement relevant to our campaign.

My opponent is clearly driving the buggy of our campaign towards the supermarket of name-calling and mud-slinging, instead of towards the fishmarket of real issues. That pretentious rapscallion of an opponent believes that the only way to further his agenda is by delivering blow after blow of verbal diarrhea towards my cause. However, his plan of transforming my image into a dirty diaper must end!

I won't spend time talking about his flip-floppy tendencies, like his dual memberships to PETA and WLEMF (we love eating meat federation). I also won't discuss his inability to tell the truth. Last year he claimed to be 23, but in a recent rally this year, he stated he is 24. Well, which is it? I also won't consider bringing up his ax-cut policy. That's right, I did not misspeak, ax-cut policy. He plans on providing ax-cuts to all the middle class, thus widening the gap between the rich and the poor. It's possible that my closed captioning on my elevision doesn't print out the t's, but what I do know is, my opponent is for cutting people. I would like you to know that I am against hurting people. Ok now onto the issues:

How do you judge a bad pickup line?

I believe the correct criteria to judge that is that it's bad and that it's a pick up line. The worst pick up line I've ever heard is, "hey baby, is your name Commitment? Cause I really love you." Bad and super effective (against girl-type humans). Actually, I've never heard that one before, but I just showed how easy it is to come up with a pick up line.

Simple formula: Hey [insert pet name], is your name [insert something that isn't really her name]? Cause [reveal how your "moniker" for her is actually a clever ruse of a pun].

I think what makes a bad pick up line bad is if you take away the opportunity for the opposite gender to respond. You can't just ask a rhetorical question and expect them to fall into your arms like they just got sniped by a boy who happened to play a lot of Halo. Honestly, who likes rhetorical questions? No one likes to be forced to do anything. Thus, if you're going to use a pick up line, at least let them respond, even if it's %99.8 rejection and %.2 here's my fake number.

What can we learn from this?

Absolutely nothing.

worst pickup line ever.

picking someone up with lines is probably the world's oldest recreation behind glass eating. what my opponent won't tell you is that he is not currently and nor was her ever a pick up artist or a glass eater. How unamerican. sounds like russian trickery to me. we're no dumbkoffs, commrade, we see through your game.

i am proud to say that i am a card carrying member of the NRA (national rifle association), UGLEA (united glass and lead eaters of america), and HHBWUPUAAUSA-RI ("hey hey baby whats up" pick up artists association of the united states of america, Rhode Island Chapter)

so what does it mean to not be a part of organizations like these? and what does it mean to BE a part? let me break these down for you clearly.

my opponent will neither give a woman the honor and satisfaction of knowing that someone is trying to pick them up. how rude. attractive women need more than just silent stares, they need verbal affirmation. and they cant keep hearing the same tired lines, they need diversity! and I am a candidate for diversity. i have been trained in the ways of hollering.

you're thinking "ok i see your point," but then you may ask "is glass eating that important for a candidate?" you bet it is! you might think "why?" and i'd say "shut up with the questions already." then you'd say "how could you hear my thoughts?" then i'd say "because i put country first."

but all else aside, glass eating is important because glass is made from sand. and sand is from the beach. and life is a beach. and beaches was a movie. and movies are a form of entertainment and entertainment tonight is a tv show. and tv shows cause emotions. and emotions are from the heart. and blondie sang about her heart of what? that's right. glass. see the cyclical nature of glass eating? I knew you would. But let me get back to the point.

clearly the worlds worst pick up line is "is it hot in here or is it just you" but my opponent might say that "hey baby, i'm a scorpio.", "are your legs tired because you've been running around my head all day" or "what's your name, what's your size?"

clearly these are bad. for instance, the last line mentioned is easily diffused by another artist. here is what i president of the Rhode Island chapter or HHBWUPUAAUSA, would do.

As soon as he buys that wine I'd walk up from behind. I'd ask you what your interests are, who you were with, say some things to make you smile, ask you what numbers to dial in order to reach you at a later date and time. then I'd ask are you going be here for a while? If so, I'm going go call my friends. Why don't you go call your friends. We can rendezvous at the bar around two"

Smooth. But I digress. these are just not as bad as the pick up line I mentioned. It is pathetic when used and is not smooth. It is used to trick, not unlike my opponent. Me, I just wanna do something special for all the ladies of the world. [is that possible?]

here it is; some advice.

if you've come to a point in your friendship with a guy where you feel comfortable calling him your (guy) best friend, there's a chance he likes you. so how do you just be/stay best friends without him being interested? sorry, my friends, that's just not gonna happen on this planet. gently let him know. you're welcome.

the greatest story ever told

Disclaimer: Ignore any previous posts regarding lying and how it's bad before reading this post.

Q: If your 10 year old kid asked you "where do babies come from?", would you make up a story or tell them the truth?

Allow me to present the flipside to Calvin's arguments.

I'm allowed? Great.

Let me start off by saying that it's a lot easier to lie than to tell the truth. Why? Because the truth involves facts. And facts are hard enough to come with. Try to think of a fact about chronic pyelonephritis......exactly, you're stumped! Now think of a lie...eureka! Of course I know that chronic pyelonephritis is the disease that killed off all the dinosaurus in the mezzanine era.

Now let's think of other reasons why parents would lie to their kids in reverse backwards alphabetical order:

1) Aprotection

You might be thinking it would be protection for the kids, like you don't want them to know that "electric toothbrush" of yours is actually a nose trimmer. But it actually can provide protection for the parents themselves.

"What? The tooth fairy only gave you a penny? What a cheapskate!"

"Santa gave you a math workbook for Christmas instead of a Wii? What a nerd!"

"The piece of meat is actually frog and not chicken? Those chinese characters at Super 88 are so tricky!"

Basically, parents can use these lies to hide the fact that they are stingy, no fun, and frog eaters. Quite effective.

2) Blaziness

Parents are too lazy to explain the real thing. Kids just won't understand because they aren't mentally ready, aka stupid. Technically, if parents tell their kids everything, it will ruin the joy of discovery. And we all know that parents don't want their kids to think that they are thieves of joy.

... ... ... [html failure] ... ... ...

26) Zfear of misleading

And finally, parents don't want to mislead their kids with false truths. And plus, there's nothing worse than being mislead. Why? Hey, look over there!

So at this point hopefully you've realized that I haven't answered the question at all. So here's what I would do. Instead of giving them the truth all at once, I would tell my kids little bits of the story as they get older. The hope is that the story will somehow evolve into the truth. Remember scientific-sounding "facts" are more believeable than any other kind of "fact".

I'd start out by explaining the asexual process. "When a person decides that they love themselves very much, this person decides to split up into two and thus a baby is born!"

As they become a little older, I begin to add complexity to the story using molecular science. "When an electron and proton love each other very much, they collide, thus become neutra--I mean, and thus a baby is born!

Then, when they are of the right age (somewhere between 10 and 50), I would tell them about the birds and the bees. I would explain to them that birds and bees don't mate with each other to become a super flying animal (Beware of the mighty beebird!). From there, hopefully either TV or school will finish off the explanation for me.

Good question, keep them coming.

If your 10 year old kid asked you "where do babies come from?", would you make up a story or tell them the truth?

my ten-year old kid does not exist.

thanks for the question! NEXT!

























just kidding.

well ... actually, i guess i'm not kidding about me not having a 10 year old kid, because i dont. but i am kidding about addressing your question as such.

anyway, i think lying to your children is an parental past time. look at the ideas of a bunny that gives gifts to children to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. or a fairy that breaks into your home and steals your teeth and give you money.

even my parents got in on it! let's take a look ... here we go!

mom: [in chinese] son, you should eat scallions.

me: [in english] why?

mom: because its good for you.

me: what will it do?

mom: it will make you smart (in chinese the word for scallions is the same phonetically as the first character in the phrase meaning intelligent)

now i'm not calling my mom a liar, but i love scallions. i would eat it with many of the foods she cooked and I ordered when i was older and let's be honest. i'm really not that smart. the proof is in the pudding and this pudding [points to brain] is no proof.

so lets move to the topic of reproduction and sex.

what is the common explanation for where babies come from? that's right, the stork. i'm really not sure how the stork came into this, but if the storks were organized they'd sue humanity for slander. it's still not too late. maybe that vlassic(c) stork could lead the way. he seems pretty eloquent.

anyway, i plan on deviating from this tradition of lies!

here's what i will tell my kids.

offspring: [in english] Vater, woher kommen Babys?

me: well, you see... babies are made when a mommy and daddy love each other and ... take part in what is called ... sexual intercourse ... to show that love.

offspring: huh? i don't get it

me: um .... well... its when you have ... ummm how about some ice cream?

offspring: YEA!

me: YAAAAY!

Father. of. the. year.

talking to my kids about where babies come from and then later on in their teens, about sex ... I think i'll be able to do it, but it will probably really hard.

that's what she said.

"do you think it is uncool to wear a helmet while snowboarding? 'humpty dumpty'"

thank you faithful blog reader for asking me a question to express my opinion.

i have a huge head. this is truth. (i think most of it is skull though. i've bumped into some pretty hard things and never really gotten hurt. but that doesnt mean i can't get hurt, i just think i have a thick skull with a ever-shrinking brain. (college + lack of reading + video games + etc))

seriously, its big. my head is like 61cm in circumference. it was always hard when friends in high school made fun of it. luckily for me, my body is very proportionate to my head.

anyway, having such a large head and wearing a helmet probably makes me look like that helmet guy (schultz?) in that daffy duck cartoon where daffy fights the hitler and the nazis. or dark helmet from space balls.

despite this, i think that wearing a helmet is necessary to protect oneself from serious head and brain injury. I indeed have a helmet for snowboarding (and a helmet for bike riding). with that being said, I probably will not wear a helmet unless i plan on trying something that is a bit out of my comfort zone to make me feel at least a bit safer.

thanks again for your question.

blogtober continues.

the origin of sports

Now that the economic crisis has been solved (with the help of 700 billion dollars worth of paper money), we can go back to the important things in life: the blogtober debates.

What is the definition of sports?

I decided to look where most people don't look for answers: the Bible. But to be more specific, I went to biblegateway.com and here's what I found under sports:

Sorry. No results found for "sports" in Keyword Search.

Did you mean spiritual gifts?

I almost gave up, but then I did what most mute snakes like to do, I took out the 's'. Here's what I found:

1. Genesis 39:14
she called her household servants. 'Look,' she said to them, 'this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed.

2. Genesis 39:17
Then she told him this story: 'That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me.

3. Psalm 69:11
when I put on sackcloth, people make sport of me.

So there you have it, the earliest (and therefore, most correct) definition of sports is amorous dalliance.

[short intermission to allow dictionary.com to load]

And apparently sackclothes were the rage. If I owned a set of sackclothes, I would put a giant Z on it. Why? Cause I'm bringing sack-Z back.

The end.

smear campaign

Jared wanted to delay the debate so that we could go back and work on our economic crisis (not having enough money to buy a small island) I showed up to the forum and spoke anyway because im a maverick. In brighter news, Jared had acquired enough money for a small island, but spent it all on his addiction to Fabergé eggs.

He's in a 12-step program. Here are the steps.

1. wake up
2. go pee
3. brush his teeth
4. put in his contacts
5. shave mustache
6. put on lululemon spandex pants
7. do 45 min of pilates
8. take a shower
9. take off lulu lemon spandex pants
10. eat breakfast
11. shave mustache
12. head to work

so there you have it. the truth. unedited. unfiltered. uncensored. maverick. jared will be posting soon.

definition of sports

this debate (what is the definition of a sport?) has lasted probably a trillion years. the velociraptor would argue with the tyrannosaurus rex about whether eating a stegosaurus was a sport. it went something like this.

T-Rex: "ROAAAARRRRRRRR"

Raptor: "ROAR. EEEEEEEE"

T: "ROARRRRRRRRRRR"

R: "EEEEEEEEE ROAR!"

T: "ROAAAAARRRRRRRRR"

R: "Good point."

They would argue and argue until they realized what they really wanted was to eat each other.

But I digress. a sport is anything you have fun doing. its very plain and simple.

here are some "real" "responses" that "i" "have" given"."

"oh you like to play basketball? well then sir you are playing a sport."
"what? you enjoy running marathons? you my friend are sporting it up"
"you think giving yourself a time limit to finish pooping is fun? sport!"

makes sense to me. but, some might ask,

"so you're saying if you don't like tennis, that makes it universally not a sport?"

then i'd say

"i think the example you just cited...that's paramount. that's a heck of a lot more than most bloggers... and let me just say i'm also known as the maverick, taking shots from my readers...i'm just trying to get people understand my definition of sports"

then some might say

"i'm gonna ask you one last time, not to belabor the point. if you don't like tennis, does that make it universally not a sport?"

then i'd say,

"i'll try to find and answer and bring em to ya!"

side note

it came to my realization that we have been on the wrong time zone. that has been changed

t-minus, yes!

and so it continues, the debate.

Enter: two men battling, not with guns and knives, but with words. The most powerful weapons we have.

One man a classically trained violinist. The other a self-educated flautist.

The debates shall be heated and shall potentially create an un-reconcilable rift between friends. An exchanging of words that could potentially force loved ones and acquaintances to choose sides in an all out microcosmic civil war.

And then there's me and jared. two guys who will probably make a bunch of jokes that no one will think are funny.

get your alarm clocks ready. blogtober is around the corner and being hyped up!

a post before blogtober?

No one has been bothering me to put up a new post. Readers, your reverse psychology is working.

But let me also say why I haven't been updating. It's because updating is for losers.

With that said, expect a post later this week.

great suggestions!

Hey everyone! Thanks to all who are putting comments on the blog!

We are less than a week away from our first blogtober post and we want you to make your voice heard!

we've been busy here at campaign headquarters preparing for your posts. Here's how

• we have eaten boxes of peanut butter cracker sandwiches
  
• we've been drinking lots of water and/or juice
• we've practiced typing (asdf jkl; ... the cat with the hat sat on a bat with a rat. splat!)

• we've looked up words that we don't know the meanings of like Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism, and volcano,

and finally

• we have been doing squats. oh the squats. and we can really feel it!

Keep up the good work and we will surely disappoint some of you ... if not all of you.

we the blog.

four score and 7 blogs ago we started this blog and we feel its about time that a blog, blogs for you. so this coming october we will have a battle of the blogs. its like a rap battle but with much less/more profanity.

Because we are for the people, Jared and I will debate about "issues" chosen by you, our blog readers. we cannot blog all the ideas submitted, but we will blog the ones that fit our blog's mood best.

so if you want to enter our blog-dom, blog a comment into this blog-comment section and we will have our first blog entry blogged by the first blog of blogtober

this october, jared and calvin DEBATE!

morgan freeman

i wish i had a voice like morgan freeman. its so powerful. if i had a voice like morgan freeman i'd talk all the time. i'd offer to do people's voicemail messages. i'd make everyday things seems amazing.

"and then he opened the fridge and got himself a drink of apple juice. He is now readying his finger to pick his nose. and yes we have a winner. the glory of victory. James Ellis Nicholson. 5 year old boy. Future president."

or i'd dictate my own life. like a DVD commentary.

"currently i am typing on a computer, writing my blog, changing the world. one word. at a time. and thinking about how this cranberry juice is really sour, but helps fight UTIs. Not that I have one. But if I did, this cranberry flavored drink would really help me fight it. I am actually not sick at all. This pencil is blue."

amazing. don't you agree? don't you agree?! so yeah if i could change my voice i'd have a voice like morgan freeman.... or like t-pain with that auto-tune filter ( on. if i had that I'd say everything in song because i would know that i would not be out of tune... now that would be awesome... like with the voice i have now i could say

"hey jared, we should really blog about tape dispensers"

and it would sound like

"hey jared, we should really blog about tape dispensers"

but with auto-tune it would sound something like

"hey jarrred we should really buy some louis vuitton skin and and go sky diving with gary coleman and MC Hammer into the planet formerrrrly know as pluto, ballerrrrrrr"

wow. what a difference that would make in my life. and yours too. you're welcome.

if I were a shark...

All I want to say is that if I were a shark, I would not want to eat people that are in the ocean. It just doesn't make sense to eat anything mixed with water (especially salty water). Think about all the tasty foods in world when it's ruined by water. Imagine a nice, juicy, tender, steak smothered with...water. See what I mean?

As a shark, if I wanted human blood, I would rather have it straight up, no preservatives added, not watered-down. If I'm going to eat someone, I don't want the diet version of them.

To summarize, if I were a shark, I'd go to the beach to [m]eat people.

sharks

how come the jets had their own song in west side story but the sharks didnt? its pretty unfair. the sharks could carry a tune too. and the dancing! they could DEFINITELY dance just as good as the jets. so why no song? ...

isnt life just like that? i mean how many times have you wanted a theme song only to see that your brother or sister or best friend or worst enemy or grandma already has one. you're thinking

"hey, a theme song would be nice, but i dont want to look like i'm copying nanna." (or pappy - equal opportunity)

I too have always wanted a theme song. i'm gonna make up an original one right now ... something like this ...

na na na na na na na na calviiinnn [repeat until chorus]

chorus
we. like. to party. we like. to party. we. like. to party. we like. to party. the dadada is coming and everybody something.

bridge
c-c-c-calvin and the jets. da da da da calviinnn calviiin calvinnn and jeeettts...

pretty catchy right? ... hmmm wait, calvin and the jets... i'm not gonna give that gang any more limelight... maybe it should be calvin and the sharks. Let's see how that sounds....

I like to be in America!
O.K. by me in America!
Ev'rything free in America
For a small fee in America!

Nice.

not a real post. a comment ... on comments ...if you will.

so i just realized that people have been commenting. this made me laugh. many of your comments are very entertaining. keep up the good work!

Like we could do better.

I love going into Chinese restaurants and looking at their menus. Half of the reason is to look for the strangest food item on the menu; the other half is because I love to find typos. Now, if you’ve been to enough Chinese restaurants (not the whitewashed ones), there is a plethora of misspellings and misinterpreted English phrases scattered throughout the restaurant itself, not just on the menu.

I’ve seen signs telling me to “beware of the pickpocket.” (Who is this pickpocket? Is this guy the only one? Why hasn’t he stolen this sign yet?) I’ve also seen name tags on wait staff that don’t realize that you can’t abbreviate words just by using the first three letters. (He was an assistant manager.) But the menu is usually the biggest culprit of all.

Typically, the typos on menus are just small spelling errors that don’t really affect the appetite of the diner (roasted pappers, scramlbed eggs). Then there are those that do. I’ve had the pleasure of not ordering dishes like the “baked crap [carp] fish” or “poop delight”. (Just kidding, there was no poop delight; but boy, would that go well with a pea soup.) Sometimes it feels like I’m reading a 4 page book written by a 4 year old.

But then I think about how well America translates certain Chinese dishes.

Like General Gao’s Chicken, for example. Out of all occupations, why name it after a general? I’m not sure if a general would really want the animal symbol of cowardice to be synonymous with their name. I would have named it something more reasonable like Farmer Gao’s chicken or Astronaut Gao’s chicken.

Or what about the Double Happiness dish? Some people can’t find just plain happiness and this dish supposedly offers double happiness? I think a better name for this dish would have been "Cow and Chicken Unite" (or "Chicken and Cow Unite").

How could we forget the famous Pu Pu Platter? Enough said.

So before we go judging the mistakes of other people, let’s remember to take the planks out of our eyes. And use them as toothpicks. (wait, I thought I was talking about typos...)

Typos

To be hhonest a posst with alot off typoz in it would b verry obvious and trite. it would be almots redickulus. sew, i wont do it. i refsue to do it. ok i'm dun.

now that that is out of the way, now its time for the real deal.

Why do we make typos? most people would think that its a slip of the mind; their hands are going faster than their brain. I am not going to argue with that logic. but typos are more than just small little slip-ups. they cause so many misunderstandings and so much embarrassment, pain and suffering. Here's why.

Say your name is John and you get a letter in the mail. it goes as follows.

Dear John,

I am so sorry to have to write you to do this, but I think its time that we go our separate ways. For many years I have lived with the fact that my boyfriend collects mold. I thought I could stand the amount of mold you had, but it is clear that I cannot. For future reference, get a better hobby.

Best,

Banessa

Now when you get this letter you think, "oh no this is so sad", as you clutch your favorite jar of fungus. But then you see ohhh its from Banessa, my girlfriend is Vanessa. It must be to another John. Relieved you go to her apartment to tell her the story about the letter and she is there with another man, playing connect 4.
"That's not right, that was our game", you think to yourself. You are crushed. It was from Vanessa. You didn't even see it coming.

pretty crushing right? here's another

you're writing an email to your boss, martin. you want to tell him that you think he's been doing great and that you're proud to be a part of his team. You, however don't want to seem like a suck up so you keep it brief, but personal. your letter goes like this

Martin,

I just wanted to take a brief moment to say thanks for doing a great job and that I am really proud to be a part of your team. Maybe one day we could go to abar and get a drink.

Best,

Jeb

Sounds pretty good right? not bad. But, he never responds to your friendly email. Suddenly, your work load gets more and more difficult, and he becomes more and more distant. Then, out of no where, you're being downsized because of economic hard times. You dont understand. You're hard working, never late and a leader amongst your peers.

You go back to that email you sent to see if perhaps you had offended your boss. You look carefully and see there was a slight typo there. But, how much could that matter? Unfortunately for you, Jeb, it mattered a lot. Abar is a local gay bar and your boss, who is heterosexual and a bit homophobic, thought you were coming on to him. Hence, your situation now. But you'll never be able to prove it because you have no idea of the implications of this small seemingly insignificant typo. You just accept it was downsizing. How sad. Now you work for a sad and lonely man who collects fungus for a hobby.

I say all this to warn you of your lackluster proofreading skills. As you can see, they are very damaging. Very, very damaging. You think typos are harmless. The truth is typos are evil and I will follow it to the gates of hell and defeat it.

The effects of lying.

Lying is bad. If I learned anything from college, it is how bad lying can be. At first glance, it doesn’t seem like it could hurt anyone, but very quickly it can explode into an unbridled maelstrom of letdowns and failures.

It all starts with a small lie, you know, something harmless and controllable. After a comfort zone of control is reached, the lie suddenly becomes longer and the commitment to the lie strengthens. And then, without warning, the lie completely consumes the offender leaving them in anguish and distress in the mornings. The offender can’t help but to just sit there and ask “why?”. Friends may rebuke them and admonish them from doing it again. But this is quickly forgotten and the cycle continues without an end in sight.

So this post may leave you with a sour taste in your mouth; but it is my hope that learning from my past experiences, you will heed my advice and try not to lie so much. It affected me in college; I hope it won’t happen to you.

I leave you with a major tip to catch yourself from lying: Stay away from your bed when you write a 10-page paper due the next day. If you lie, you won't wake up.

lying.

lying is hard.....HA! just kidding. see i just lied to you. it's that easy.

but in all seriousness, lying is one of those things that really never comes back to bite you in the ass. excuse my mandarin. the more you lie, the better off you are! You no longer need to remember the facts and that is so convenient for your brain because it needs a rest from all that thinking.


Brain: "Hey heart, don't stop pumping or we're ... [to self] oh shoot, we need to remember to take out the trash and eat lunch"

Heart: [Thump thump] "huh? brain? don't stop or we're what? Are you're talking? I can't hear you over this pumping [stops pumping] ... " [dies]


I know what you're thinking, "Katz deli is so tasty." I agree, but I also know you're thinking, " what if I get caught lying?" well, my friend that's the beauty of it. you get to lie more to cover it up! Practice makes perfect!

But let's say you aren't quick enough to cover things up ... quickly. here are some tips.

1. start speaking a different language.

"Maria, you were supposed to pick up Jeff from practice two hours ago!? What have you been doing?"

"... homework."

"... it's the summer."

"ummmm ... che cosa è la circonferenza della terra... capelli... cane... blu."

"ughh... forget it, i'll go get him."

You are a pro, Maria! See how effective that was? You didn't even have to move! Let's continue!

2. Run Away

"Bob, we need to talk."

"...ok..."

"what exactly did you mean when you ... "

"Yoiks! [Runs away] "

"... said that .. HEY! what the?! get back here!"

Nice one, Bob! Running away is a classic way to avoid situations that should be solved! I believe the ancient greeks invented the method, but it was the hungarians that really perfected it.

Lastly, you can

3. Faint

"Do you want to tell me what you're keeping in your sock drawer?"

"... Ummm what are you talking about?..."

"don't play dumb with me you know what you have in there..."

"No I dont ... what did you find?"

"Bread. Michael. I found bread ... you told me you were done eating carbs! ... and white bread nonetheless....

"that's not mine. i was holding it for a friend...."

"I thought you were committed ... committed to the cause. how many grams have you eaten ... today! nevermind this week..."

"ummm... uhhhh [fake faints]"

"oh my gosh, michael. are you ok?"

Way to shift gears on the fly on em, Michael! Who could care about carbs when they think you're dying! HA HA HA! Now THAT'S effective!

So what have we learned today? well, we learned that lying is easy, useful, and good american fun! We also learned that lying isnt the only way to weasel out of things. And weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Welcome part 2.

Welcome, we hope you enjoy the duplicity (we aren't trying to deceive you, there just happens to be two of us writing) of our blog. Usually things in here are done in twos, but hopefully nothing in here repeats. repeats.

Welcome.

Like any good thing, you can't have just one. See where it all began.

jaredandcalvinunite.blogspot.com
calvinandjaredunite.blogspot.com