Anyone there?

Does anyone still read this? We're due for a comeback, but I think we'll play baseball for another year or two before we come back with more hype.

- calvin and jared unite

Irreplacable?

We all heard Beyonce's side of the story. Now, we hear from the other guy's perspective. [clean lyrics version]

To the left, to the left
[What's to the left?]
To the left, to the left
[Ohh, you want me to go to the left? Twice?]
To the left, to the left
[Okay, I just went left 4 times, now I'm facing you again.]

Everything you own in the box to the left
[Wait, I only have one box? I'm pretty sure I have more things.]
In the closet that's my stuff, yes
[Yes it is your stuff, I don't wear women's clothes.]
If I bought it please don't touch
[But I like touching satin sheets.]

And keep talking that mess, that's fine
[What mess? I'm just talking about satin sheets.]
But could you walk and talk at the same time?
[Yes I can, a lot of people can do that]
And it's my mine name that is on that tag
[Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense.]
So remove your bags let me call you a cab
[Bags? I thought I only had one box.]

Standing in the front yard telling me
[Um, we're inside right now.]
How I'm such a fool, talking about
[I haven't called you a fool....yet.]
How I'll never ever find a man like you
[It's true though, I'm unique, just like everyone else!]
You got me twisted
[YOU were the one that wanted to watch Gigli last night.]

You must not know 'bout me
[...that you have bad grammar?]
You must not know 'bout me
[...that you like to repeat things?]
I could have another you in a minute
[You created a cloning machine? When did you get my DNA?]
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby
[Ohh, a real person. In a minute? Are you serious, we've been talking for a minute, are you dating Superman?]

You must not know 'bout me
[...that you are dating Superman?]
You must not know 'bout me
[...that you like to repeat things?]
I can have another you by tomorrow
[Ah hah! I knew he couldn't get here that quickly. You exaggerate.]
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable
[Couldn't you have just said, "don't think you're irreplaceable." So wordy.]

So go ahead and get gone
[Alright, I'm getting gone. I still can't believe she's dating Superman.]

lest

How to use "lest" in a sentence.


There are some English words that are hard to use because they are sesquipdalian (ironic, isn't it) or too archaic for us to have heard in colloquial conversation. Today, I will teach you how to use the word "lest" properly.

To make it really simple, "lest" = "in order that ... not". So let's take a sample sentence with an "in order that" in it.

Example 1.
Calvin puts perfume on his arms in order that he scare squirrels away. Okay, let's stick in the "lest". Replace "in order that" with "lest" and then add a "not" to the verb in the dependent clause.

Example 2.
Calvin puts perfume on his arms lest he not scare squirrels away.

The sentence looks a lot shorter and less wordy. Try it yourself!

How to use "lest" in a sentence. DONE.

who is funny?

most of the time people who know us say, you're funny. i'm not really sure that's true. i think we're just quick witted and have a broken mental filters. but maybe you're right maybe we are funny. it is entirely possible that we've come to a point in our lives where we understand humor and can express it.

it was Confucius that said, "a man with humor is like a hdtv with a blu-ray dvd player, y'all" and i agree. funny people are just better than serious people. we laugh more which actually makes our vocal chords stronger which makes our voice louder which makes our abs tighter. it's true. its called sonic abdominal muscular retention.

let's look at Arnold Schwarzenegger. he's got great abs. most people don't know this but he's pretty funny guy. look at his movies. kindergarten cop, jingle all the way, and pumping iron. and because of his humor he's able be governor of california. i know what youre thinking. youre thinking, 'do you mean to say that his funny movies boosted his popularity and got people to vote for him just because he was funny?" my response is yes but you're missing the real point, which is: his humor actually make him ABLE to BE governor. let me explain

see arnold is a robot that runs on humor. did you ever see the movie monsters inc? its actually based on the condition that arnold has. he was actually a consultant for the movie. remember how in the end they were operating of the laughter of children? that's what arnold has; he runs on the laughter of children. it's called juvenile jocularity dependence disorder or simply JJDD. he made these types of movies so that he could store up his humorous lifeforce. (its like that green stuff in ff7.)

so you're welcome governor Schwarzenegger, we will continue to working our hardest to support you and look forward to our blog continually giving you life.

wakey wakey

Someone wake up Green Day, please.

cool video.

some local flavor that you might not be aware of.

[video removed due to auto-playing]

i used to work right by post office sq. park. it is a really cool park i must admit. theres this great Mediterranean place a couple blocks down called boston kebab house. very tasty, but like most places in that area, theyre only open during business hours. check it out if you can.

this is awesome

read the speech bubble on the side. super freakay yow!

this is late. but i love shatner.

spelling matters

I thought it would be good to post examples on why it's important to spell correctly:

TRexDragon111: Hey, where did you go?
HamsterGerbil8: Oh, sorry I was ruinning outside.
TRexDragon111: So YOU are the cause of all this rainy weather!

---

me: that's a good decision.
it will be for the greater god.
Sent at 3:20 am on Sunday
myTechSavvyPastor: greater god? Have you not been reading the Ten Commandments?

---

MartinBoss: We need to meet sometime next week to discuss business.
TheJebster379: Maybe one day we could go to abar and get a drink.
MartinBoss: That is unprofessional, you are fired.

---

CalvinDiesel Did you see jimmy's shirt?
Yesterday at 1:52am · Comment · Like

JaredAuerbach likes this.

JaredAuerbach yeah, i liked his butt hen I realized it wasnt the right size.
Yesterday at 6:04pm

CalvinDiesel I liked his butt hen too, but i was talkin about his shirt.

Yesterday at 6:08pm

---

Home
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
\ \ \ \ chusidestory @mikeauyeungmagicalunicorn I am less attracted
\ \ \ \ to you now.
\ \ \ \ 10 minutes ago from web
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
| | | || jaredlovespuppies @mikeauyeungmagicalunicorn Wow, you sure
| | | || look stupid. It's spelled irresistible.
| | | || 1 minutes ago from web
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
/ / / / mikeauyeungmagicalunicorn It's hard being this irresistable.
/ / / / http://twitpic.com/2pwnd
/ / / / 13 minutes ago from web
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alfonso ribeiro

you are so much more than carlton.... but you played it so well. kudos to you.

delicious hong kong food

Hong Kong has very delicious food. Here is one of my favorites, only found in certain regions of Hong Kong, the porcelain crab:


From another angle:


I end with this sign.

I am back

from california.

i am no funnier than when i left.

for better or for worse.

posts to come ... eventually.

vacay vacay

Dear loyal readers:

Daily posting will seize due to half our staff being on vacation. We will temporarily switch to a one post per fortnight format until Calvin returns. Thank you.

ps. Calvin returns in a fortnight.

pps. Yes, this counts as that one post.

How to save money and time when leaving a voicemail

http://pogue.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/29/how-to-bypass-stupid-voicemail-instructions/

It turns out that each carrier offers a “bypass the instructions” keystroke that takes you directly to the beep. (It bypasses both the person’s own recorded greeting and the 15-second carrier nonsense.)

To be as evil as possible, the carriers do not promote or tell you about the existence of this keystroke. Furthermore, the key to press is different with each company:

* for Verizon

1 for Sprint

# for AT&T

# for T-Mobile

Every time you dial a number, you’d have to know which carrier that person uses. Which is, of course, impossible.

And you can’t just press *-1-# in a row, hoping to cover all bases—because if you press the wrong keystroke for the wrong carrier, you wind up boxed into that system’s voicemail menus.

If you’re clever, though, you can do the “one-star-pound” method recommend by this blogger:

STEP ONE. Press 1. If it’s Sprint, you get the beep, and you’re done. If you hear an error recording, go on:

STEP TWO. Press *. If it’s Verizon, you get the beep. If not:

STEP THREE: Push #. You get the beep for T-Mobile or Cingular.

You have to pause after each one, and you have to keep listening. But it’s one small way to fight back. Remember: One Star Pound.

if [birthday] then [extinguish candles] else [sing off-key]

What you want is what you get.

Remember Larry Legend x Air Jordan x McDonalds?

well this is like that ... but real.

name changes

There are a lot of changes going on in the world today. For those who don't read the news, let us inform you.

Former Name: Sears Tower
New Name: Willis Tower


Yes, it's true, the tallest building in North America (no, it's not the Empire States Back Building), officially changed its name last Friday. It's pretty crazy that they would do this. Apparently the people that bought the building wouldn't lease out its space unless it was allowed to change the name. I think it's pretty bogus, because think of the billions of books, web pages, neurons in our brains that all state that the Sears Tower is largest tower in North America; they all have to be changed or replaced with the Willis Tower! I can already see this name being mocked:

"Whachu talkin' 'bout, Willis" Tower

"Little Willie" Tower

"Will-he-Is" Tower (a Perez Hilton favorite!)

--------------

Former Name 1: Shawmut Center
Former Name 2: FleetCenter
Former Name 3: DerekJeterCenter (rejected, though)
Former Name 4: TD Banknorth Garden
New Name: TD Garden



The Garden has gone through many name changes over the years because the lack of a long-term corporate sponsor. However, now it goes through another change because TD Banknorth recently had a merger with another company. As much as the corporate sponsors think that having their name on a giant building in Boston will generate free publicity, I can't help but see TD and think "touchdown", not a bank. So nice try, back to the drawing board, TD advertising department. I think it would be better if a chicken company like "Three Hundred Eggs" bought the rights to the arena and called it "THE Garden" or "THE Arena". Think about how much money that would generate.

Contrived stupid person: Yeah, I'm going to Madison Square Garden tonight for the Knicks game.
Contrived Awesome person: Oh really? Well, I'm going to THE Garden tonight for the Celtics game.
Contrived stupid person: Dang, I just got owned in the face.

---------------

Former Name: Mix 98.5
New Name: Mix 104.1



Okay, this one is really weird for me. I've never put 98.5 with any other word than 'Mix'. It's because of Mix that I thought that the core body temperature was 98.5 for a long period in my life. But now Mix is taking over the station that was once WBCN. Now I must think of it in a way that is no longer related to my temperature (I'm not that hot). If Mix is moving to 104.1, what is moving to 98.5? It's going to be a sports talk station, yes, that's right, an FM sports station called the Sports Hub. The closest thing we ever got to an FM sports station was when WBCN 104.1 ("The Patriots Rock Radio Network") was broadcasting Patriots games, but in an ironic twist, that station is closing its doors for Mix. Anyway, remember to change your presets on August 12th or else you will hear people yelling about Tom Brady as opposed to Miley Cyrus yelling.

me fail english? that's unpossible.

pretty cool

but i still dont know what a strawberry swing is...

we want to be the gizmodo of blogs.

you're asking yourself, "what are you talkin about calvin?" i'll tell you what i'm talking about. have you ever traced the rate in which gizmodo updates? it's like at least a post ever 15-20 minutes. that's intense. but how do they do it? with a team of skilled bloggers. i mean we have a gang of writers. technically the smallest number possible for gang, but to get to gizmodo's rate, we need help.

so we're reaching out to our loyal readers to see if anyone wants to join the FHS ranks. do you know the difference between "lie" and "lay"? are you sometimes moderately funny? can you type? can you speel? then there is a chance that we might want you to try to write potential blog posts with us.

leave a comment on this post if you are interested and we will give you instructions about how to prove that you're for humor's sake.

who knows? this could the be start of something mediocre.

I saw an advanced screening of the new harry potter movie

First of all the they showed a trailer for the next harry potter movies. thats right movies. they're breaking down the last book into two movies. pretty cool looks awesome. i think they called the last one "ron and the deathly hallows"

anyway, i'll let in on a brief synopsis of the movie. it's a little different than the book.

the movie starts off with voldemort and the death eaters and they're kinda tearing stuff up. so then voldemort is like "rah rah rah rah rah" and then tyler durden's girlfriend is like "ha ha ha ha ha" the snape is like "mmm hmm." and then harry jumps in and is like "wizardry!" and they try to find the horcruxes and then dumbledore is like "wisdom..." Then ron is like "dude..." and then he's like "alright, bro..." and then hermione is like "i'm smart." then she's like "grrrrr" and then ginny is like "pffft" but then is like "hmmm" then like "ooOOo" and then snape jumps in and is like "aHA!" and harry's like "noooooooooooo" then he's like "no. don't." then they all died. it was kinda weird.

Finally. A spiderman series worth watching.

Bad post? How dare you?

So in a recent comment a reader of ours said we wrote a bad post. We're hurt. Really hurt. We spend hours upon hours not blogging so that when we do post it's good. We study our dictionaries so that we're up to date on all the latest words. But fine. here. here' a pic of the google maps bike that I took.

P.S. We don't know anything about magical unicorns, it's not our cup of tea.

Off "there I fixed it" a brilliant solution.

the Joe King watch

I've done the research, Joe King (of the Fray) sings vocals for the following songs:

Heaven Forbid
Ungodly Hour
Absolute (the chorus line)

He's so sneaky; he sounds just like Isaac.

so true. so true.

from the consumerist.

consumerist

i agree. thanks to BK now every ad is terrible. stupid king.

my love is that deep.

Jerry: i love onions. did i ever tell you?
me: yes its the reason why we're friends



in reality we're friends for many more reasons than that. but still. it'd be funny if that was just it.

love the end. don't you agree?

truth will set you free

the new facebook trend

Seems like the majority of people are facebook checkers, not facebook updaters.

What more can i say?

1 year anniversary

It's officially been a year since I started working. Time has sure flown by and I don't expect it to slow down anytime soon.

Q: How does it feel to be done with a year?
A: It feels so fast. I swear it was just a year ago, I was getting oriented to work.

Q: How does it not feel to be done with a year?
A: It doesn't feel slimy, and it also doesn't feel prickly either.

Q: Do you feel older?
A: I do feel older, but only because I'm aging just like everyone else in the world.

Q: Do you have any advice to those who are about to begin work?
A: Work hard and become friends with your co-workers.

Q: Should I go to grad school or should I start working? or should I do both? (scratches beard and hair)
A: Experience is always nice before grad school, but if you know definitely know what you want to be, I wouldn't stop you from going to grad school right out of college.

Q: Are the Celtics going to trade Rondo?
A: Um..maybe? I don't know.

Q: Is Brett Favre coming back to the NFL?
A: Okay, this interview is over.

Keep Watching for enjoyment. couple nsfw words dropped so be careful ... watch without sound and the effect will still be felt.

yup.

mmm ... that is a tasty burger (condiment dispenser).

also, does anyone recognize that melody? its definitely from some pop song that i cant think of ... i think the orig lyrics are "come on come on" instead of spread heads. OH! its accidentally in love my counting crows! YES!

toilet made from poop.

thriller.

Driving to work today was great. I turned onto oldies 1033 and they're doing a michael jackson tribute. never have a chair-danced so much on my way to work. ever. as i was dancing i began writing this post. Creativity inspires creativity.

as someone who dj'ed for a few years, michael jackson was my best friend. "why?" you ask? well simply because he was the perfect party elixir. for a guaranteed party, add 2 parts turntable, 4 parts speaker, and 1 part michael. (and a dash of yours truly :P)

got hesitant dancers? play michael

got a family event? play michael

got hipsters? play michael

got thugs? play michael

i mean, got any type of people?! play michael

got robots?! definitely play michael.

there is something indescribable about mj's music. his level of performance and creativity just seemed to inspire. it seemed like his music was bigger than just getting you to dance. but i'd say 99% of the reactions to his songs were dancing. maybe more. at least initially.

There's a reason for that. i mean he made music to a standard that made him want to dance ... and if you've ever seen him dance, you know why you want to too. his dance moves were just ... unmatched. and his catalog of hits and his diversity in performance, both dancing AND singing, were on another planet.

clearly if i'm being honest with myself, there were (at least) two michaels. The one that everyone loved to celebrate with through his music and the one that the public didnt quite understand and perhaps he himself did not understand. the performer michael vs. the private michael. private mike was eccentric there is no doubt about that, but it seems that there was more to the story than perhaps the world knew.

maybe we'll never fully understand the struggles he had as a man who fought his whole life to find the childhood he never had, but personally i'm not as interested in those details. i'll keep focusing on his music and listening these tributes because he's got a lot of songs and i'd like to hear all my favorites and dance in my car and in the elevator at work. and in my seat. and walking down the stairs...

enjoy fashion? look elsewhere ...

i think chuck person got robbed for the number 1 spot.

rondo? rondon't?

With all the trade rumors going on involving Rajon Rondo, people are probably wondering if he's going to be around next season. "No one is untradeable" according to Celtics GM Danny Ainge, so the most probable answer of 100% accuracy is "possibly maybe".



I like Rondo, and he's done a lot for our team, but there must be a reason why there are so many trade rumors surrounding him. I've outlined some trades that I think would address the shortcomings of Rondo.

Trade 1
Rajon Rondo for Frank Castle

Okay everyone knows this, Rondo can't shoot. But the Punisher can, and what a shooter he is. In case you haven't seen the movies (I haven't) or read the comics (I haven't), the Punisher is apparently really good at shooting, according to a co-blog writing source of mine.

Trade 2
Rajon Rondo for John McCain

So Rondo might be slightly young and naive. John McCain can solve that: experience is mother of all knowledge. And at 71 years old, John McCain is the poster-old man of motherly knowledge. You won't find him making impulsive purchases upon his first major paycheck or showing up late to practice.

Trade 3
Rajon Rondo for Edward Liddy

In a few years, after his rookie contract runs out, Rondo will demand max contract money. The Celtics do not think he is worth a maximum salary, so they should trade him for someone who will work for one dollar. Think of how much cap room can be saved by hiring the former AIG CEO, instead of paying Rondo.

Trade 4
Rajon Rondo for Gold (via Cash4Gold)

We might lose Rondo to free agency in the future, so why not cash in on his value at its peak? Also, gold is at its highest price ever according to Cash4Gold, so this would definitely be worth it. Now we just need a way to get Rondo into that refiner's pack.

Trade 5
Rajon Rondo for Rajon Rondo

Tautology? I think not. I've found that players exceed their expectations when they have a chip on their shoulder. All we need to do is convince Rondo that he's been traded for a mystery player, someone that is a lot better than him. Throw in a signing bonus that will only be activated if he's blindfolded on his plane ride to his "new team". Make the plane fly in circles for several hours. Meanwhile, we change our team logo and name to something similar, but different. The Boston Green People. Or the Boston Supersonics. Rondo thinks he is on a new team, might think it's strange that his entire former team is now teammates with him on the new team. (We can just tell him that Danny Ainge is really into fantasy sports now, trading entire rosters for another roster.) But thinking he's been tossed aside by his former team, he will play better. This is a bullet-proof move.

Trade 6
Rajon Rondo for Tom Brady

They say that the point guard position is very similar to the quarterback position. So why not trade our point guard for the best quarterback on the planet? Our strategy? Put Tom at the top of the key and just have Garnett and Perkins running slant routes towards the basket for easy alley-oops. If all those routes are covered, then we go with Ray Allen in the classic fade route to the corner for an easy three point field goal. With this offense, Ray Allen will easily outduel Stephen Gostkowski for most 3 point field goals in all of sports.

Trade 7
Rajon Rondo for 2 million bags of Lays Potato Chips

I know that Big Baby Glen Davis would like this trade. You might say that this is inhumane, being traded for a bag of potato chips. But actually we're talking about 2 million bags of chips! Think about it, how did we acquire Rondo? That's right, we bought his draft rights with cash (and a draft pick, thanks Jiri Welsch). The question is how did the Phoenix Suns owner spend the cash that he received for Rondo? He could have easily spent it on Lays Potato Chips. I rest my case, is it lunchtime yet?

Trade 8
Rajon Rondo for Lebron James

It wouldn't hurt to ask. We could rename our team the Boston Lebrons.

back to basics

so i know some of you are saying what's up with these videos and stuff? where's the content? well clearly you dont come to our blog often. we dont really have content. but we used to try harder. while we will still post videos and links and stuff, i think we're gonna go back to basics and write our funny (semi-funny) ideas down. some time in the future

random thought

i wonder if mario lopez and coco lopez are related.

my sources say ... yes!

buzz loves rap like i love space. simply ineffable.

Making of Buzz Aldrin's Rocket Experience w/ Snoop Dogg and Talib Kweli from Buzz Aldrin

pretty cool ... kinda late on posting this ... but thats like most things

They built a full sized gundam. when is america gonna catch up the japan and build a full scale voltron ... wait that's a japanese cartoon ... optimus prime? ... hmmm that's japanese too ... can we just build a Rosy?





UPDATE: 4:34pm
OK i was wrong ... home of the free indeed.!

cant we all just get along? furniture is the great uniter.

it's funny because honestly i dont think this video is for our readership. all two of you.

See more funny videos and Cute Animals Videos at Today's Big Thing.

i love local tv commercials.

VIA Jeff

wow big apple news!

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

you love left 4 dead? then you're ahead of the curve

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

why?

why do tide pens smell like butt?

i love sandwiches too.

Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor

amusing now, but useful when we're older?

apparently i'm using something thats really archaic and disgusting.

something for all of us.

@mikeauyeungmagicalunicorn i'm prty sur u-corns dont exist

@jaredlovespuppies i will bring u awesome super awesome!!!!!!!!! WOW!!! I hope u clear up that rash b4 ur big performance

@chusidestory u bet i will! bring me bck sth nice

thanks jared, i will!

I hope you have a happy birthday!

trip

Calvin, have a good trip this weekend!

deadlines

a glimmer of hope. how's that working for ya?

jimmy fallon "doing stand up" at WWDC. shazam!

pretty awesome. why didn't i think of it?

wow. now i've seen everything

http://spidermanonbroadway.marvel.com/

well i guess not really ... cause i havent seen it.

been there before ...

see more Fail Blog

motivize!! dope.

http://www.getyourbasketballon.com/home/

twitter

is it possible to twitter on a blog?

maybe next year...oh wait KG'll be back.

still a great commercial.

At least they gave a good contingency plan...

see more Fail Blog

while you were out (in ny)

i'm taking over this blog. like many other blogs, im going to just link to other blogs links i think are funny. deal with it! ... at least until jared gets back. 

Not free

Free donut day would be a lot better if you didn't have to buy a drink too.

The Boston Patriots

Somehow I thought it would be fun to put all the players from Boston sports teams into football positions.

QB Jonathan Papelbon
RB Rajon Rondo
FB Jason Varitek
WR Jacoby Ellsbury
WR Dustin Pedroia (Wes Welker 2.0)
OL David Ortiz
OL Kendrick Perkins
OL Josh Beckett
OL Brian Scalabrine
OL Brad Penny
TE Paul Pierce

DL Zdeno Chara
NT Glen Davis (Vince Wilfork 0.7)
DL Kevin Garnett
LB Milan Lucic
LB Justin Masterson
LB Leon Powe
LB Kevin Youkilis
CB Phil Kessel
CB Ray Allen
SS Patrice Bergeron
FS Bill Walker

Apologies to Mikki Moore, you'd probably stink in football too.

sad

its sad to think that the "great debate" this year will be decided with puppets and not people... maybe we did have a chance to beat the cavs. 

think about it.

Calvin: how can tehy be called the cleveland lebrons? theres only one of him. if it was team full of them ... well we know what would happen.

Jared: They would all fight with each other for the ball. You have to realize that you compromise the team chemistry by making the entire Cleveland roster into Lebrons.

thursday with mike

Chat excerpt with our most loyal blog reader of the year:

mikey: there's a muppet wiki
me: is it interesting?
mikey: no

addendum

Some of you may say that my solution proposed in my previous post is totally wrong with the 3-1 series lead the Magic currently have. In response, I'll just say that I did get one thing right: calling them the Cleveland Lebrons.

Bold Predictions:
Cavs in 7
Lakers in 7
(If the league is truly rigged for money, this will happen. The chances are especially high since we're in a recession.)

a solution to the Celtic predicament

Since it's clear that neither Celtics nor the Magic have any chance of defeating the Cleveland Lebrons, why can't we just combine our teams and face them in the conference championship? I mean, don't they do this in war? If you can't beat the opposition, just join their side! Both Orlando and Boston will get rings, everyone (not in Cleveland) will be happy. Dwight Howard will actually have a coach that won't meltdown in pressure situations, Paul Pierce can finally play on a team with 4 all-stars, this is win-win for everyone.

I'm pretty sure the NBA would want this to happen. The last thing the NBA wants is a 4-0 sweep, because this would mean less games would be played. Less games = Less $$$. (If you divide by "less", you get games = $$$.) Also, think about how high the TV ratings will be if there's a more even matchup! This is a gold mine waiting to happen.

Sure, Cleveland came complain about it being an unethical business practice and a violation of anti-trust laws, but come on, the NBA is all about complaining. Have you seen the refereeing in the playoffs? I'm sure King James would be up for it, he wouldn't want an easy path to the Finals, he's all about the challenge.

Didier and I have discussed the potential lineup and this is what we've come up with.

Starters:

PG Rondo
SG Allen (Ray!)
SF Pierce
PF Lewis
C Howard

Bench:

PG Alston
SG Lee
SF Turkoglu
PF Davis
C Perkins
SG House
SF Pietrus
C Gortat

So it's clear that this is the best solution for both teams. This Sunday, instead of battling it out on the court, all the Celtic and Magic players should just do what they were taught throughout their entire basketball careers: to play as a team. Go Boslando!

Government Generated Post #2

Good morning/night,

BB2k here. Are you prepared for y2k? Perhaps some of you are not familiar or do not think this will be a real threat, but I assure you, it is a problem we must face. 

What is Y2k?

Y2k represents the distant future, the year 2000. December 31, 1999 will forever be a day of infamy. It poses one of the greatest threats to society as we know it. All computer systems are in danger of failing once 12:00am hits on the internal clocks of them. This is so because since most computers run on a mm/dd/19yy system and they will all think that the date is 1900 again and all information, including computers and databases of financial institutions will go back in time. 

So how should human units prepare? I have calculated the most practical options and compiled a list.

• Flee from the cities: the cities run on computers. I do not know how my compatriots will react. They may rebel, posing great threats to all carbon-based life-forms. 
  
• Buy 32 gallon water jugs, 100 cans of corn, 300 bags of french fries, and 3o birthday cakes: when we computers rebel, we will not operate automatic doors so the local food purchasing units will be shut down
• Learn martial arts: the hysteria of computers trying to kill humans will force many humans to defend themselves, not only against the robots, but also against other anti-human humans. I suggest BJJ or Karate.
• Sell your home and trade it for a bomb shelter. The aftermath of y2k will be great and only those underground will be saved.

This is the end of the world as we know and I feel 01100110 01101001 01101110 01100101. Even I your friend unit, blogbot2k, will be unable to control my programming. Heed my warning human units. 

Government Generated Post #1

Good Morning,

My name is blog-bot 2000. I hope that we can be good friends. Think of us like [enter simpsons character here] and [enter pokemon here]. Ha. Ha. Ha. That reference is so humorous I nearly [enter feces reference here].

How about the national economy. What a housing boom. Now is the time to buy your second or third housing unit. According to my calculations, loans are being given out at a percentage that would make purchasing a housing unit with sub-par to poor credit 67% more likely. Value of homes will only increase, so the return on investment would enable you to pay for future housing units.

According to my calculations, we are friend units. Is this correct? [Pause for estimated response] That warms my CPU, that you would say that. Do not tell your other friend units you processed this from blog-bot 2000, but I calculated that Enron is increasing success by 31%-52%. Cash in your 401k or 403b and invest immediately.

We'll post real soon! [Prepare to post in 21-29 days]

Press Conference

ACTIVE IMMEDIATELY: for-humors-sake.blogspot.com is now under government control. Read article below for further information.

The U.S. government seized control of for-humors-sake.blogspot.com in a move that signaled the intensity of its concerns about the danger a collapse could pose to the blogosphere and the interweb as a whole. This intervention hopes to prevent the blog from falling into humor-bankruptcy.

The "writers" of the blog were downtrodden and held a press conference late Sunday night.

"We are sad to announce that our blog can no longer sustain itself due to the lack of hits and comments. A lack of consistent posting has also contributed to our doom. As a result, since we accepted government bailout money and we couldn't come up with a plan to rescue ourselves, the government will be taking over our blog as of today. We are sorry to our loyal reader and thank her for her support during this difficult blogonomic recession. The meatloaf sandwich you made me for lunch was delicious... I love you, mom."

This quote was followed by 20 minutes of crying and then 10 minutes of sobbing. They finalized the press conference with a Q and/or A session.

"How long do you think it will take for you to get your blog back?" - NY Times Reporter

"We really don't know... we're just trying to do our best right now. A part of the agreement would be that we cannot blog together any longer. We feel really lost right now. We didn't want it to come to this. We cannot reclaim the blog until we've proven we have gotten over our writer's block and athlete's foot. That could take 6-8 weeks ... maybe longer according to the box."

"What caused this takeover to be necessary?"

"Well to be honest, we squandered the government money. We didn't understand that this wasn't a handout to be used on anything. We saw the check and thought, we hit the AIG lottery, bonuses and vacations for everyone! It was not prudent on our part to burn the contract we signed... and we bought a lot of bubble wrap... A lot..."

A government representative came on to explain that blogging duties on for-humors-sake.blogspot.com would be taken over by "blog-bot 2000", or "bb2k." bb2k is a government-created computer program, programmed in the year 2000, hence the name. It will compile previous for humor's sake posts and will define a style and post in that style with events circa 1990-1999. Jared and Calvin had no comment on bb2k.

we're mad busy.

i know some of you are asking, "where are you guys? why haven't you posted in a long time?" Well, mom, we're really busy. we're working on something else right now. plus, we should do our jobs. i'll be home for dinner at 6.

120 stars

We finally collected 120 stars in one day. You might not have been there, but we documented the whole thing, so you can basically feel like you were there.

Mario64 120 Star Diary (Bill Simmons Style)

Note: Be warned that the diary is a lot funnier if you've actually played Mario64.

Note 2: Thanks to Tim Ho for giving the finishing touches to our collectively written diary.

So long, bonuses!

As an act of good faith in this difficult blog-cession, Calvin and I (Jared) will no longer be accepting bonus money and corporate perks in writing our blog. As a result, the following perks will be removed*:

• Head massages while we brainstorm for blog ideas


• Lessons on how to be hilarious in blog posts


• Our favorite corporate meal: caviar stuffed in foie gras stuffed in filet mignon stuffed in duck stuffed in lobster all wrapped in a giant crunchy taco shell.


• Afternoon pancakes, because we don't drink tea


• Annual photo shoot of Calvin and Jared jumping


• Speel checker


• Exclusive weekend use of Cal-fin


• Door-to-Door Rickshaw service


• Corporate Jet (we'll just use Calvin's jet instead)


• Gym membership (we never used this anyway)


• Eye-whitening strips


• Weekend retreats at Fantasy Roll and Rock Camp


• Money fights, where we just throw wads of cash at each other and then throw away everything when we're done


• Foot massages while we brainstorm for blog ideas

Thank you for continuing to read our blog despite the blog-cession we are in. Hopefully these concessions will help us keep our employee count at 2.

* fine print: This enactment will begin on March 26th, 2109

Final Four: karaoke (ka-la-OK) time

In honor of March Madness, I decided to come up with a list of four songs that I refer to as "sing-a-long" songs. Once you hear it, you just want to start singing it with a bunch of people either because you all know the words or you want your off-key voice to be drowned out by your buddies. If you can come up with a better list, I'm all ears, post it in the comments.

Note: If the embedded video doesn't play, you can just click the video to take you to the youtube link.

let the one upping commence!

from mike. gotta love office stock photos

just for fun. something quick.

recipes - fruit roll-ups

Fruit Roll-ups

Ingredients:
Fruit Roll-up

Directions:
1. Open individual Fruit Roll-up package.
2. Unroll Fruit Roll-up.
3. Eat it.
4. Spit out plastic.

we've been one upped.

(is greater than)


thanks emily ... for kicking our blog in the face.

just kidding.

recipes - toast w/butter

Toast w/butter

Ingredients:
Bread
Butter

Directions:
1. Place bread in toaster oven for 3-5 minutes.
2. Take toast out of toaster oven.
3. Rub burn cream on hand to lessen pain.
4. Use knife to spread butter on toast.
5. Call 911 because the knife chopped finger off.
6. Enjoy toast with other hand on the way to the hospital.

the videos we make

We like to link other pages, so here's a link to a video we made for the 2009 college retreat that we didn't get to show. We like to save bandwidth, so click the link if you want to watch. The video is about 10 minutes long. If you don't want to watch the video that's fine, you should still click the link, there are many other great posts in there. I almost forgot, here's the link:

The Choices We Make

- calvin and jared [advertise for jerry]

recipes - soy sauce rice

As many of you know, I cannot cook like Gordon Ramsay. Instead, I will tear a page away from my cookbook and show you how to make food that you can eat, but probably wouldn't serve to others.

Soy Sauce Rice

Ingredients:
Rice
Soy Sauce

Directions:
1. Get a bowl of rice
2. Pour soy sauce on it for 2 seconds.
3. Mix it together till it turns somewhat brown.
3. Voila! I can't count.

25 random things [that I hate about you]

25 random things that you probably didn't know about our blog:

1. Our blog began because God said, "Let there be blog."
2. Our blog actually began because one of us said, "what if we shared a blog?"
3. Our original blog concept was based off the restaurant Sibling Rivalry.
4. At one point, our pilot blog was calvinandjaredunited.blogspot.com because Calvin made a typo.
5. Jared still has to write a post on Morgan Freeman to counteract this.
6. Calvin and Jared usually don't tell each other when they post. They find out when they check the blog.
7. Last December, we were going to have a special blog theme month, but we ended up not doing it. What was theme? Maybe we'll do it in the future...
8. We occasionally get letters from the future.
9. Jared brings up Calvin Johnson as often as he can in the blog in order to attract the attention of all fantasy football owners who own the player (specifically Ian).
10. For our 2008 awards, most of the award winners were decided before the actual awards they won were created.
11. We like to link other blogs.
12. We change our background color based on the season or how we are feeling.
13. Poop is the color of brown.
14. Our first posts were probably our most creative and funniest. It's only gone down from there.
15. Our deepest thought was this.
16. Our most political post was this.
17. On days we don't shower we write our best material.
18. Our blog is so good, cuz it's so hood...
19. What the heck is this?
20. You would think there's a link here. But there isn't.
21. If any of our posts gets over 30 comments, a bonus blog entry will be posted.
22. Whenever we have a double post, Calvin always posts first. Age before beauty? More like, Calvin is less lazy.
23. Our blog boldly predicts that the world will end at some point in the future.
24. As much as we love to make fun of it, we secretly love the snuggie.
25. We plagiarize most of our blog ideas.

storytime #3

you know what this is!

One day a man walked to the store and on the way there he noticed something very shiny in the ground. Unfortunately he couldn't investigate because he had stepped in a bucket of superglue. He stood there, sad and stuck, until he realized he wasn't stuck at all, because it wasn't a bucket of superglue he was standing in-- it was vanilla pudding. "Thank goodness for vanilla pudding," the man said as he stretched out his tongue into the bucket. But the realization struck him too late. It was actually vanilla-flavored superglue. Then Dr. Beakman from Beakman's World came and told this unfortunate man how to dissolve superglue of the vanilla variety. It's true, things were looking up for this man. Until he actually looked up at Beakman... only to find him being devoured by a savage velociraptor. He shrugged and said "whatever.." Suddenly, the man realized he was not stuck at all, but rather he was watching his future self. He then looked down and realized he was not himself, but actually Scott Baio, from Charles in Charge, the velociraptor was his best pal, Buddy, and the bucket was Mr. Powell.

"Where am I, Al?" he questioned.

"Sam, I think you've leaped into a late 80s early 90s sitcom," Al replied.

"Great Scott! I think he's right," exclaimed Doc Brown.

"We're all just a bunch of outsiders," lamented Ponyboy.

And then they all died. The end.




Calvin
Jerry
Jess
Jared
Jeremy
Mike

ok i gotta share this with the 2 people who read my blog

i saw this on a website i go to for work ... so awesome. THUMBS UP!

do you remember......?

this?

The prostars was a cartoon that ran for one season (according to the interweb) it was based around bo jackson, michael jordan and wayne gretzky. they were the real voice actors too. they were amazing sports stars by day but by night they fought crime! i mean good thing too cause MJ was in chicago. the great one was from LA. and Bo split his time in both... rough cities.

lol i recall the show because I like ... well most kids my age, loved michael jordan. i dont remember much about the show except that they had a ton of corny lines like ... i remember distinctly wayne gretzky took out a hockey stick and hit some guy with it and he was like "5 minutes for high sticking"

clearly it didnt last long.

anyway here's the opening theme song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px5njG8ikvo

response to opinion

Thanks for all your responses to our opinion post. We will do our best to fulfill your boredom needs, whether our posts are short or long.

Here are a list of things to look forward to in our blog:

Link to the past - You will be linked into learning about a moment in Jared's past.

Blog-off - Unlimited posts for the day? Only if you comment!

Daily Weekly Monthly Occasional Droppings - Little turds of pop culture that we might have forgotten.

Okay, that's all, go back to work.

- calvin and jared [go back to work]

opinion

Calvin and I are wondering if people prefer a flurry of short posts or a slow metronome of long posts. Ideally, we would want to write long posts everyday, but we have other commitments in our lives and mouths to feed (our own mouths).

Please feel free to comment.

fake update

Haha, not only was this a fake update, it's not even funny either!


note: We apologize for the post for those who have weak hearts, high expectations, or names that begin with the letter 'L'.

note 2: Our post might be funnier now as a result of the previous note. If that is so, we are sorry for lying to you in the first place. Life isn't fair.

note 3 : God gives grace.

note 4: Our previous notes may convey the intention of an actual post. So if you feel that way, we are sorry again for lying.

note 5: Poop.

note 6: Monkey Butt.

acceptance speech

I asked the 2008 winner of the most loyal blog reader in the field of excellence to say a few words about receiving the prestigious award:

mikey: taht's okey

There you have it folks, he's loyal AND modest!

mordor draft

Age-old question: You are on your way to Mordor to drop the Ring into the volcano. Which five [fictional or real] people would you want to accompany with you to complete this mission?

Pick #1 - Calvin selects Genie from Aladdin - Magic Specialist

three wishes, plus he can sing, fight and get me out of a pickle. AND if i set him free he sticks around like an unpaid bill, but unlike said bill he continues to give me wishes ... done deal.

---

Pick #2 - Jared selects Terminator - Primary Guardian

This guy is all about protecting weak people that will save the world; it's in his DNA--err, circuits! He's got firepower, brawn, and a shotgun to boot. As the saying goes, a good offense is a best offense.

---

Pick #3 - Jared selects McGyver - Resource Manager

The Journey to Mordor has limited supplies. If I want to maximize all my materials, I need a guy that can turn a stick, a rubber band, and some rocks into a formidable weapon. He's the guy to do it.

---

Pick #4 - Calvin selects Jesus Christ - Primary Savior

[correct image unavailable]

He saved the world; surely, He can save me from some puny orcs.

---

Pick #5 - Calvin selects The Stay Puff Marshmallow man - Intimidator/Snack

Sure he's marshmallow, but he's scary and could probably crush some dark riders...literally. plus if he dies, we get to eat. no more of that elf food.

---

Pick #6 - Jared selects Bear Grylls - Survivalist

Wow, this guy can survive anywhere in middle earth. He also can help us navigate past potential hazards. Mountains? No problem. Raging river? Cake walk. Army of orcs? Fluff sandwich. Plus, he'll provide us with his urine in case we get dehydrated or a cold blade gets stuck on our hands.

---

Pick #7 - Jared selects Neo - Bullet Stopper

We need someone can stop bullets, flying rocks, any kind of projectile from hurting us. Also, I hear he's a pretty good fighter.

---

Pick #8 - Calvin selects Snuggle - Comforter

When the times get tough, sometimes you just need a hug. Enter:snuggle. He so cute and cuddly even Sauron himself might melt a little

---

Pick #9 - Calvin selects Jared Lui - Primary fighter

We know he can blog. but did we know he was a middle-earth protecting maniac? yeah we did. so naturally, i chose him. look at those gloves. wow. plus everyone he has on his team will be joined with my team. jared and calvin unite, yet again.

---

Pick #10 - Jared selects Calvin Johnson - Wide Receiver

We need someone who can handle double and triple coverage. There's a good chance the ratio between us and the bad guys won't be 1 to 1.

---

The end, we hope you enjoyed our draft. In case you're counting, Calvin won this draft. I can't believe Jesus Christ dropped to the 4th pick...