Inspiration

Here's an inside look at how Jared and I write posts. Often one will ask the other, "What do you want to post next?" The other will often say, "I don't know. I can't find any inspiration." And then we talk about something else for a few hours until we HAVE to post. Well I'm ashamed to say this, but we finally found inspiration.

Rock and/or Roll

Some of the world's greatest philosophers have wrestled with what the world would be like if the Bible was written in our lifetime. Indeed I too have many questions in regards to this conundrum.

WWJD? (What would Jesus do?) How would Jesus have interacted with the general public? Who would He have hung out with and who would He have rebuked? Who would He have healed?

WWJHCTBH12A? (Who would Jesus have chosen to be His Twelve Apostles?) What would the occupations of them have been? How would they have been persecuted? What kind of bread would they have broken?

These deep questions will never have concrete answers, but one question I have does and that is by far the deepest question regarding this topic: How would it have affected the band names of the era?

Let's take a look at some key examples:

Savage Garden of Eden
Nat King David
Middle East Movement
Kid Cephas
Jonah and the Blowfish
Shekelback
George Clinton and the Sanhedrin Funkadelic
The Mighty Mighty Philistones
John Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Better Than Nehemiah

These are just some of the bands, which ones have you discovered? Comment below!

Take that Michael Jordan

I'm baaaaack.

So it turns out I didn't test positive for BEDs after all. They checked my "B" and "P" sample, and it turned up negative for BEDs. It also turns out that the "steroids" I purchased from Jordan's Furniture were just an over-the-counter placebo suppository. It's good to be back doing the thing that I love most: forcing Calvin to write things for me and taking credit for it.

So I bet you must be curious what I was up to during my semi-retirement.

I missed blog writing so much that I decided to go overseas to join a European blog. Things were great in the beginning, but when the blog owners realized that the only Spanish I knew was from a Taco Bell menu, things went chalupa supreme really fast.

Next, I tried to further my rap career. I figured since I can't sing very well, rapping would be my best bet for a music career. I tried remixing all of Eminem's top hits into one song in hopes of creating the greatest rap song of all time. Instead, I ended up with the Sesame Street theme song. Let's just say it didn't sell very well (except for the age 1 through 5 demographic) and I blew all my earnings betting against the Harlem Globetrotters.

Lastly, I watched the Celtics beat the Knicks and did my laundry. Retired people still have to wear clean clothes, you know.

All Eyez On Me

It’s Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday. Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend.

I know that we all miss Jared. So I went digging through our old drafts and found a post that he started writing. It is strangely ominous considering what happened this week. Here take a look:

President Obama gave us a direct order to create more jobs. So we're creating them as fast as we can, here are some of our postings. Please apply if interested.

Job Title: Senior Blog Reader

Number of Openings: 5,000

Salary: Any money found on the ground is yours.

Description: Our blog is looking for people who can read our blog and laugh at it, preferably because the blog content is funny, not because they are being tickled.

Desired Qualities:

• Must read blog everyday
• Must comment whenever possible
• Understand Asian cultural jokes
• Sense of humor
• Likes pancakes

Who would've thought he was talking about himself. Here's another one.

Retirement is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, you're able to do all the things that you wish you could do while you're at work, but on the other hand you don't get to do the work that you've trained much of your life doing. For instance, if I wasn't working, I'd probably be blogging more. The 8-12 hours I work could be devoted to being funny, which is completely natural to me. No artificial humor injections needed. And if I ever do get caught I'm going to retire instead of dealing with the consequences.

I guess he sort of knew he was destined for greater things. Now we all know why the caged bird sings. Fly, Jared, fly up up to the sky.

Napping is great

Feeling sleepy?

One of the greatest difficulties regarding working a full-time job is having enough energy to get through the entire day. Late night conversation? That means early morning incoherence. Big lunch? Good afternoon food coma and good day to you too, itis. So what's the solution?

When I worked full-time, I was most tired in the morning and after lunch, usually for those two reasons. Everyone knows that the best way to counteract the sleepies is to take a nap, not caffeine, but where do you take a nap when you don't have a bed or a couch to sleep on? Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who has a couch in your workplace, but can you really sleep in the open and face being labeled lazy? The answer is a resounding no. So, I found the best place to sleep was the toilet.

Here's how you do it:

1. Go into the bathroom
2. Go into the toilet stall (not the urinal, gentlemen ... or ladies...)
3. Drop trou - I know, I know, it seems unnecessary, but its far less incriminating if it seems like you went in there for other business because let's face it: people can see your feet, even if it's not intentional. Just sayin'. It's like Jared always told me, "If you can't act, at least look the part." (He may or may not have ever said that, but he's retired so he can't stop me from making stories up.)
4. Set an alarm for the same ringtone that you normally use for calls. - This way if someone is in the bathroom when you wake up, it'll sound like you just got a phone call.
5. Nap. Any time is acceptable really. I personally liked 15 minutes with a snooze option.
6. Wake up
7. Make small talk with anyone in the bathroom with you
8. Try to clean up any marks on your face from the stall wall or your wrist watch. (You could also take off your watch.)
9. Walk out refreshed to your promotion and/or raise*

Try it out today. You're welcome, universe.

*Results may vary. Possible side effects may include loss of vision or termination. If nap lasts longer than four hours, consult your physician.

Statement from Jared

Hello faithful readership,

As you all know Jared has retired from blogging and the situation has left the blog in a scramble to figure out how to move on without him. This morning Jared broke his silence and released the following statement:

Dear fans of FHS,

These past few years, I enjoyed writing (or forcing Calvin to write) blog posts at FHS and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world (except reservations to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant), but I felt that now is a good time to hang up my keyboard and call it a career. I am at ease with the decision. God knows what's best for me (but I wish I would actually listen to Him). I'll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man to eat lots of dim sum---er, tapas. Some may believe that I am retiring to avoid the repercussions of my alleged BEDs use. But I assure you that the only BEDs I've purchased in the past year are from Jordan's Furniture.....'s back parking lot. Please continue to support FHS, especially Calvin, by liking all of his posts multiple times. So long, blog-ser

Jared

This Can't Be Happening

Attention all FHS readers: See the article posted below! FHS needs its readers now more than ever!!!

Half of Local Mediocre Blog Retires Unexpectedly

Boston, MA

4/12/11 8:17am

Jared of the blog For-humors-sake.blogspot.com was informed late last night that he tested positive for BEDs (blog-enhancing drugs). This was his second offense, which according to the ordinances set by the MLB (Major League Blogging), is subject to a 100 post suspension. First-time offenders are subject to suspension for 50 posts, which Jared served from April 1, 2010 and January 7, 2011. This comes as a great shock to many as most readers will remember the heated campaign against BEDs, the denial of his first offense, and subsequent vow to stay clean.

Even more unexpected is his decision to retire from the world of blogging, instead of serving his suspension. One can only imagine how this will affect his public perception and the lasting reputation of his blogging career.

When asked for a comment, his blogging partner, Calvin, had this to say:

"This is a sad day for the blog. I know Jared wanted to produce good numbers with his posts and I know during writers' block he put a lot of pressure on himself, but I didn't think he'd start using again...The signs were there. I should've interceded. I just hope he'll come back some day. Else, this is the end of an era I just miss my friend. Jared, if you're out there come back. The team needs you."

There are no known details regarding what he plans on doing with his time or his computer now that he will no longer be blogging, but rumors have surfaced that he is considering taking his talents to south beach to eat at a Miami Subs Grill, but others report he is eating at a Pollo Tropical. Details in this breaking news will be reported as soon as they emerge.