Like we could do better.

I love going into Chinese restaurants and looking at their menus. Half of the reason is to look for the strangest food item on the menu; the other half is because I love to find typos. Now, if you’ve been to enough Chinese restaurants (not the whitewashed ones), there is a plethora of misspellings and misinterpreted English phrases scattered throughout the restaurant itself, not just on the menu.

I’ve seen signs telling me to “beware of the pickpocket.” (Who is this pickpocket? Is this guy the only one? Why hasn’t he stolen this sign yet?) I’ve also seen name tags on wait staff that don’t realize that you can’t abbreviate words just by using the first three letters. (He was an assistant manager.) But the menu is usually the biggest culprit of all.

Typically, the typos on menus are just small spelling errors that don’t really affect the appetite of the diner (roasted pappers, scramlbed eggs). Then there are those that do. I’ve had the pleasure of not ordering dishes like the “baked crap [carp] fish” or “poop delight”. (Just kidding, there was no poop delight; but boy, would that go well with a pea soup.) Sometimes it feels like I’m reading a 4 page book written by a 4 year old.

But then I think about how well America translates certain Chinese dishes.

Like General Gao’s Chicken, for example. Out of all occupations, why name it after a general? I’m not sure if a general would really want the animal symbol of cowardice to be synonymous with their name. I would have named it something more reasonable like Farmer Gao’s chicken or Astronaut Gao’s chicken.

Or what about the Double Happiness dish? Some people can’t find just plain happiness and this dish supposedly offers double happiness? I think a better name for this dish would have been "Cow and Chicken Unite" (or "Chicken and Cow Unite").

How could we forget the famous Pu Pu Platter? Enough said.

So before we go judging the mistakes of other people, let’s remember to take the planks out of our eyes. And use them as toothpicks. (wait, I thought I was talking about typos...)

Typos

To be hhonest a posst with alot off typoz in it would b verry obvious and trite. it would be almots redickulus. sew, i wont do it. i refsue to do it. ok i'm dun.

now that that is out of the way, now its time for the real deal.

Why do we make typos? most people would think that its a slip of the mind; their hands are going faster than their brain. I am not going to argue with that logic. but typos are more than just small little slip-ups. they cause so many misunderstandings and so much embarrassment, pain and suffering. Here's why.

Say your name is John and you get a letter in the mail. it goes as follows.

Dear John,

I am so sorry to have to write you to do this, but I think its time that we go our separate ways. For many years I have lived with the fact that my boyfriend collects mold. I thought I could stand the amount of mold you had, but it is clear that I cannot. For future reference, get a better hobby.

Best,

Banessa

Now when you get this letter you think, "oh no this is so sad", as you clutch your favorite jar of fungus. But then you see ohhh its from Banessa, my girlfriend is Vanessa. It must be to another John. Relieved you go to her apartment to tell her the story about the letter and she is there with another man, playing connect 4.
"That's not right, that was our game", you think to yourself. You are crushed. It was from Vanessa. You didn't even see it coming.

pretty crushing right? here's another

you're writing an email to your boss, martin. you want to tell him that you think he's been doing great and that you're proud to be a part of his team. You, however don't want to seem like a suck up so you keep it brief, but personal. your letter goes like this

Martin,

I just wanted to take a brief moment to say thanks for doing a great job and that I am really proud to be a part of your team. Maybe one day we could go to abar and get a drink.

Best,

Jeb

Sounds pretty good right? not bad. But, he never responds to your friendly email. Suddenly, your work load gets more and more difficult, and he becomes more and more distant. Then, out of no where, you're being downsized because of economic hard times. You dont understand. You're hard working, never late and a leader amongst your peers.

You go back to that email you sent to see if perhaps you had offended your boss. You look carefully and see there was a slight typo there. But, how much could that matter? Unfortunately for you, Jeb, it mattered a lot. Abar is a local gay bar and your boss, who is heterosexual and a bit homophobic, thought you were coming on to him. Hence, your situation now. But you'll never be able to prove it because you have no idea of the implications of this small seemingly insignificant typo. You just accept it was downsizing. How sad. Now you work for a sad and lonely man who collects fungus for a hobby.

I say all this to warn you of your lackluster proofreading skills. As you can see, they are very damaging. Very, very damaging. You think typos are harmless. The truth is typos are evil and I will follow it to the gates of hell and defeat it.