worst-er pickup line ever

Let me begin with a statement.

Flowers are pretty.

Let me continue with a more relevant statement.

Roses are pretty.

Let me officially begin with a statement relevant to our campaign.

My opponent is clearly driving the buggy of our campaign towards the supermarket of name-calling and mud-slinging, instead of towards the fishmarket of real issues. That pretentious rapscallion of an opponent believes that the only way to further his agenda is by delivering blow after blow of verbal diarrhea towards my cause. However, his plan of transforming my image into a dirty diaper must end!

I won't spend time talking about his flip-floppy tendencies, like his dual memberships to PETA and WLEMF (we love eating meat federation). I also won't discuss his inability to tell the truth. Last year he claimed to be 23, but in a recent rally this year, he stated he is 24. Well, which is it? I also won't consider bringing up his ax-cut policy. That's right, I did not misspeak, ax-cut policy. He plans on providing ax-cuts to all the middle class, thus widening the gap between the rich and the poor. It's possible that my closed captioning on my elevision doesn't print out the t's, but what I do know is, my opponent is for cutting people. I would like you to know that I am against hurting people. Ok now onto the issues:

How do you judge a bad pickup line?

I believe the correct criteria to judge that is that it's bad and that it's a pick up line. The worst pick up line I've ever heard is, "hey baby, is your name Commitment? Cause I really love you." Bad and super effective (against girl-type humans). Actually, I've never heard that one before, but I just showed how easy it is to come up with a pick up line.

Simple formula: Hey [insert pet name], is your name [insert something that isn't really her name]? Cause [reveal how your "moniker" for her is actually a clever ruse of a pun].

I think what makes a bad pick up line bad is if you take away the opportunity for the opposite gender to respond. You can't just ask a rhetorical question and expect them to fall into your arms like they just got sniped by a boy who happened to play a lot of Halo. Honestly, who likes rhetorical questions? No one likes to be forced to do anything. Thus, if you're going to use a pick up line, at least let them respond, even if it's %99.8 rejection and %.2 here's my fake number.

What can we learn from this?

Absolutely nothing.

worst pickup line ever.

picking someone up with lines is probably the world's oldest recreation behind glass eating. what my opponent won't tell you is that he is not currently and nor was her ever a pick up artist or a glass eater. How unamerican. sounds like russian trickery to me. we're no dumbkoffs, commrade, we see through your game.

i am proud to say that i am a card carrying member of the NRA (national rifle association), UGLEA (united glass and lead eaters of america), and HHBWUPUAAUSA-RI ("hey hey baby whats up" pick up artists association of the united states of america, Rhode Island Chapter)

so what does it mean to not be a part of organizations like these? and what does it mean to BE a part? let me break these down for you clearly.

my opponent will neither give a woman the honor and satisfaction of knowing that someone is trying to pick them up. how rude. attractive women need more than just silent stares, they need verbal affirmation. and they cant keep hearing the same tired lines, they need diversity! and I am a candidate for diversity. i have been trained in the ways of hollering.

you're thinking "ok i see your point," but then you may ask "is glass eating that important for a candidate?" you bet it is! you might think "why?" and i'd say "shut up with the questions already." then you'd say "how could you hear my thoughts?" then i'd say "because i put country first."

but all else aside, glass eating is important because glass is made from sand. and sand is from the beach. and life is a beach. and beaches was a movie. and movies are a form of entertainment and entertainment tonight is a tv show. and tv shows cause emotions. and emotions are from the heart. and blondie sang about her heart of what? that's right. glass. see the cyclical nature of glass eating? I knew you would. But let me get back to the point.

clearly the worlds worst pick up line is "is it hot in here or is it just you" but my opponent might say that "hey baby, i'm a scorpio.", "are your legs tired because you've been running around my head all day" or "what's your name, what's your size?"

clearly these are bad. for instance, the last line mentioned is easily diffused by another artist. here is what i president of the Rhode Island chapter or HHBWUPUAAUSA, would do.

As soon as he buys that wine I'd walk up from behind. I'd ask you what your interests are, who you were with, say some things to make you smile, ask you what numbers to dial in order to reach you at a later date and time. then I'd ask are you going be here for a while? If so, I'm going go call my friends. Why don't you go call your friends. We can rendezvous at the bar around two"

Smooth. But I digress. these are just not as bad as the pick up line I mentioned. It is pathetic when used and is not smooth. It is used to trick, not unlike my opponent. Me, I just wanna do something special for all the ladies of the world. [is that possible?]

here it is; some advice.

if you've come to a point in your friendship with a guy where you feel comfortable calling him your (guy) best friend, there's a chance he likes you. so how do you just be/stay best friends without him being interested? sorry, my friends, that's just not gonna happen on this planet. gently let him know. you're welcome.