worst pickup line ever.

picking someone up with lines is probably the world's oldest recreation behind glass eating. what my opponent won't tell you is that he is not currently and nor was her ever a pick up artist or a glass eater. How unamerican. sounds like russian trickery to me. we're no dumbkoffs, commrade, we see through your game.

i am proud to say that i am a card carrying member of the NRA (national rifle association), UGLEA (united glass and lead eaters of america), and HHBWUPUAAUSA-RI ("hey hey baby whats up" pick up artists association of the united states of america, Rhode Island Chapter)

so what does it mean to not be a part of organizations like these? and what does it mean to BE a part? let me break these down for you clearly.

my opponent will neither give a woman the honor and satisfaction of knowing that someone is trying to pick them up. how rude. attractive women need more than just silent stares, they need verbal affirmation. and they cant keep hearing the same tired lines, they need diversity! and I am a candidate for diversity. i have been trained in the ways of hollering.

you're thinking "ok i see your point," but then you may ask "is glass eating that important for a candidate?" you bet it is! you might think "why?" and i'd say "shut up with the questions already." then you'd say "how could you hear my thoughts?" then i'd say "because i put country first."

but all else aside, glass eating is important because glass is made from sand. and sand is from the beach. and life is a beach. and beaches was a movie. and movies are a form of entertainment and entertainment tonight is a tv show. and tv shows cause emotions. and emotions are from the heart. and blondie sang about her heart of what? that's right. glass. see the cyclical nature of glass eating? I knew you would. But let me get back to the point.

clearly the worlds worst pick up line is "is it hot in here or is it just you" but my opponent might say that "hey baby, i'm a scorpio.", "are your legs tired because you've been running around my head all day" or "what's your name, what's your size?"

clearly these are bad. for instance, the last line mentioned is easily diffused by another artist. here is what i president of the Rhode Island chapter or HHBWUPUAAUSA, would do.

As soon as he buys that wine I'd walk up from behind. I'd ask you what your interests are, who you were with, say some things to make you smile, ask you what numbers to dial in order to reach you at a later date and time. then I'd ask are you going be here for a while? If so, I'm going go call my friends. Why don't you go call your friends. We can rendezvous at the bar around two"

Smooth. But I digress. these are just not as bad as the pick up line I mentioned. It is pathetic when used and is not smooth. It is used to trick, not unlike my opponent. Me, I just wanna do something special for all the ladies of the world. [is that possible?]

here it is; some advice.

if you've come to a point in your friendship with a guy where you feel comfortable calling him your (guy) best friend, there's a chance he likes you. so how do you just be/stay best friends without him being interested? sorry, my friends, that's just not gonna happen on this planet. gently let him know. you're welcome.

the greatest story ever told

Disclaimer: Ignore any previous posts regarding lying and how it's bad before reading this post.

Q: If your 10 year old kid asked you "where do babies come from?", would you make up a story or tell them the truth?

Allow me to present the flipside to Calvin's arguments.

I'm allowed? Great.

Let me start off by saying that it's a lot easier to lie than to tell the truth. Why? Because the truth involves facts. And facts are hard enough to come with. Try to think of a fact about chronic pyelonephritis......exactly, you're stumped! Now think of a lie...eureka! Of course I know that chronic pyelonephritis is the disease that killed off all the dinosaurus in the mezzanine era.

Now let's think of other reasons why parents would lie to their kids in reverse backwards alphabetical order:

1) Aprotection

You might be thinking it would be protection for the kids, like you don't want them to know that "electric toothbrush" of yours is actually a nose trimmer. But it actually can provide protection for the parents themselves.

"What? The tooth fairy only gave you a penny? What a cheapskate!"

"Santa gave you a math workbook for Christmas instead of a Wii? What a nerd!"

"The piece of meat is actually frog and not chicken? Those chinese characters at Super 88 are so tricky!"

Basically, parents can use these lies to hide the fact that they are stingy, no fun, and frog eaters. Quite effective.

2) Blaziness

Parents are too lazy to explain the real thing. Kids just won't understand because they aren't mentally ready, aka stupid. Technically, if parents tell their kids everything, it will ruin the joy of discovery. And we all know that parents don't want their kids to think that they are thieves of joy.

... ... ... [html failure] ... ... ...

26) Zfear of misleading

And finally, parents don't want to mislead their kids with false truths. And plus, there's nothing worse than being mislead. Why? Hey, look over there!

So at this point hopefully you've realized that I haven't answered the question at all. So here's what I would do. Instead of giving them the truth all at once, I would tell my kids little bits of the story as they get older. The hope is that the story will somehow evolve into the truth. Remember scientific-sounding "facts" are more believeable than any other kind of "fact".

I'd start out by explaining the asexual process. "When a person decides that they love themselves very much, this person decides to split up into two and thus a baby is born!"

As they become a little older, I begin to add complexity to the story using molecular science. "When an electron and proton love each other very much, they collide, thus become neutra--I mean, and thus a baby is born!

Then, when they are of the right age (somewhere between 10 and 50), I would tell them about the birds and the bees. I would explain to them that birds and bees don't mate with each other to become a super flying animal (Beware of the mighty beebird!). From there, hopefully either TV or school will finish off the explanation for me.

Good question, keep them coming.

If your 10 year old kid asked you "where do babies come from?", would you make up a story or tell them the truth?

my ten-year old kid does not exist.

thanks for the question! NEXT!

























just kidding.

well ... actually, i guess i'm not kidding about me not having a 10 year old kid, because i dont. but i am kidding about addressing your question as such.

anyway, i think lying to your children is an parental past time. look at the ideas of a bunny that gives gifts to children to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. or a fairy that breaks into your home and steals your teeth and give you money.

even my parents got in on it! let's take a look ... here we go!

mom: [in chinese] son, you should eat scallions.

me: [in english] why?

mom: because its good for you.

me: what will it do?

mom: it will make you smart (in chinese the word for scallions is the same phonetically as the first character in the phrase meaning intelligent)

now i'm not calling my mom a liar, but i love scallions. i would eat it with many of the foods she cooked and I ordered when i was older and let's be honest. i'm really not that smart. the proof is in the pudding and this pudding [points to brain] is no proof.

so lets move to the topic of reproduction and sex.

what is the common explanation for where babies come from? that's right, the stork. i'm really not sure how the stork came into this, but if the storks were organized they'd sue humanity for slander. it's still not too late. maybe that vlassic(c) stork could lead the way. he seems pretty eloquent.

anyway, i plan on deviating from this tradition of lies!

here's what i will tell my kids.

offspring: [in english] Vater, woher kommen Babys?

me: well, you see... babies are made when a mommy and daddy love each other and ... take part in what is called ... sexual intercourse ... to show that love.

offspring: huh? i don't get it

me: um .... well... its when you have ... ummm how about some ice cream?

offspring: YEA!

me: YAAAAY!

Father. of. the. year.

talking to my kids about where babies come from and then later on in their teens, about sex ... I think i'll be able to do it, but it will probably really hard.

that's what she said.

"do you think it is uncool to wear a helmet while snowboarding? 'humpty dumpty'"

thank you faithful blog reader for asking me a question to express my opinion.

i have a huge head. this is truth. (i think most of it is skull though. i've bumped into some pretty hard things and never really gotten hurt. but that doesnt mean i can't get hurt, i just think i have a thick skull with a ever-shrinking brain. (college + lack of reading + video games + etc))

seriously, its big. my head is like 61cm in circumference. it was always hard when friends in high school made fun of it. luckily for me, my body is very proportionate to my head.

anyway, having such a large head and wearing a helmet probably makes me look like that helmet guy (schultz?) in that daffy duck cartoon where daffy fights the hitler and the nazis. or dark helmet from space balls.

despite this, i think that wearing a helmet is necessary to protect oneself from serious head and brain injury. I indeed have a helmet for snowboarding (and a helmet for bike riding). with that being said, I probably will not wear a helmet unless i plan on trying something that is a bit out of my comfort zone to make me feel at least a bit safer.

thanks again for your question.

blogtober continues.

the origin of sports

Now that the economic crisis has been solved (with the help of 700 billion dollars worth of paper money), we can go back to the important things in life: the blogtober debates.

What is the definition of sports?

I decided to look where most people don't look for answers: the Bible. But to be more specific, I went to biblegateway.com and here's what I found under sports:

Sorry. No results found for "sports" in Keyword Search.

Did you mean spiritual gifts?

I almost gave up, but then I did what most mute snakes like to do, I took out the 's'. Here's what I found:

1. Genesis 39:14
she called her household servants. 'Look,' she said to them, 'this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed.

2. Genesis 39:17
Then she told him this story: 'That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me.

3. Psalm 69:11
when I put on sackcloth, people make sport of me.

So there you have it, the earliest (and therefore, most correct) definition of sports is amorous dalliance.

[short intermission to allow dictionary.com to load]

And apparently sackclothes were the rage. If I owned a set of sackclothes, I would put a giant Z on it. Why? Cause I'm bringing sack-Z back.

The end.

smear campaign

Jared wanted to delay the debate so that we could go back and work on our economic crisis (not having enough money to buy a small island) I showed up to the forum and spoke anyway because im a maverick. In brighter news, Jared had acquired enough money for a small island, but spent it all on his addiction to Fabergé eggs.

He's in a 12-step program. Here are the steps.

1. wake up
2. go pee
3. brush his teeth
4. put in his contacts
5. shave mustache
6. put on lululemon spandex pants
7. do 45 min of pilates
8. take a shower
9. take off lulu lemon spandex pants
10. eat breakfast
11. shave mustache
12. head to work

so there you have it. the truth. unedited. unfiltered. uncensored. maverick. jared will be posting soon.

definition of sports

this debate (what is the definition of a sport?) has lasted probably a trillion years. the velociraptor would argue with the tyrannosaurus rex about whether eating a stegosaurus was a sport. it went something like this.

T-Rex: "ROAAAARRRRRRRR"

Raptor: "ROAR. EEEEEEEE"

T: "ROARRRRRRRRRRR"

R: "EEEEEEEEE ROAR!"

T: "ROAAAAARRRRRRRRR"

R: "Good point."

They would argue and argue until they realized what they really wanted was to eat each other.

But I digress. a sport is anything you have fun doing. its very plain and simple.

here are some "real" "responses" that "i" "have" given"."

"oh you like to play basketball? well then sir you are playing a sport."
"what? you enjoy running marathons? you my friend are sporting it up"
"you think giving yourself a time limit to finish pooping is fun? sport!"

makes sense to me. but, some might ask,

"so you're saying if you don't like tennis, that makes it universally not a sport?"

then i'd say

"i think the example you just cited...that's paramount. that's a heck of a lot more than most bloggers... and let me just say i'm also known as the maverick, taking shots from my readers...i'm just trying to get people understand my definition of sports"

then some might say

"i'm gonna ask you one last time, not to belabor the point. if you don't like tennis, does that make it universally not a sport?"

then i'd say,

"i'll try to find and answer and bring em to ya!"