Breaking the rule of three: Cricket

As many of you know, we at FHS follow the sacred humor code of Hammurabi. One of the laws is something we call "The Rule of Three".

For an explanation of the Rule of Three, see the following excerpt for our book that still haven't been published or fully written yet:

In social settings, many humorists shoot off comments that are pertinent to the situation everyone is experiencing. If there are a number of them, they will most likely add to comments made, or what we'll call extensions.

For example, someone in the group has bad breath. Humorist 1 says, "whoa what did you eat, a poop sandwich?" Folks may laugh. Humorist 2 says, "No, it smells more like a poop omlette." Folks continue to laugh. Humorist 3 now has a decision to make. Does he a.) make an additional comment or does he b.) let his genius comment go?

The predicament that our joking friend has is a perfect example of the Rule of Three in action.

Anyway, occasionally we break the rule for humor's sake, so we're going to try to start a series of conversations that involve us breaking the rule.

jared: http://www.espncricinfo.com/pakistan/content/current/story/539063.html
calvin: i wonder what crotch got
jared: i think Butt couldn't keep up with the team
he was a little behind
calvin: he stunk
jared: at least they got to the bottom of this
calvin: he was the biggest hole in the team's productivity

Progress.

A look into human history will display the lengths and depths that man will go to innovate.  We have invented countless technologies that have made the world more accessible and life more enjoyable.  Yet with all our advanced technology, no one has been able to create a recipe for Honey Bunches of Oats that doesn't get soggy in milk.  Progress? I think not.

new opening

With Red Sox manager Terry Francona reportedly out of a job and Friendly's ice cream planning to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, we started to hear things in the rumor mill here at FHS (it's actually a mill). We heard through the grapevine that Friendly's is currently in negotiations to hire Tito as the new manager of the Friendly's restaurant chain. Here's how we think he'll make an impact:

- He'll move the franchise to either Chicago, Houston, St. Louis, or to South Beach.
- He'll rename the Fribble to the Ribbie.
- He'll ban the forbidden chocolate off the menu
- He'll change the clown sundae to the Manny sundae with twizzlers as dreads
- He'll re-brand the Happy Ending Sundae as the Unhappy Ending Sundae or Sundae 162, for short.
- He'll remake the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt so that it's leaner and more conditioned.
- He'll change policy so that staff members won't eat dinner with each other, but will have each others back.

Good luck Tito, may you lead Friendly's to another championship and end the Curse of the Brighams.

scapegoats

Step aside, Steve Bartman. We know it wasn't your fault that the Cubs lost that playoff series in 2003. It's ridiculous that people still blame your interfering with the foul ball as the sole reason the Curse of the Billy Goat continues to this day. Let's not forget that it was only Game 6 (Cubs up 3-2), and there still plenty of opportunities for the Cubs to stop the Marlins from winning that game. Anyways, that's besides the point, Bartman, you're vindicated. Tonight, we have found a new scapegoat for a baseball team's epic collapse, specifically the 2011 Red Sox. I'd like to present to you the 2011 version of Steve Bartman: the rain.



Yes folks, it was the rain's fault that the Red Sox did not make the playoffs this year. I'm not talking about a South Korean pop star, I'm talking about drip-drop rain. Don't believe me? Let me explain. Right before the rain delay started, the Red Sox were up 3-2 and the Rays were down 7-0. All seemed calm and well, the Red Sox are going to crawl backwards with no arms into the playoffs, but at least they will make it. Things couldn't be better. But then in a sudden twist of fate, the shy, yet cute low pressure clouds in the Washington DC area decided to DTR with the popular, yet accepting high pressure clouds, and next thing you knew, bamm, relationship--I mean rain. And after that delay, things started to fall apart. Red Sox blew their lead in the 9th and a few minutes later, the Rays stamped their ticket to the playoffs with a game-winning home run.

So what do we do now as Red Sox fans? We crucify rain! The next time you feel drops coming from the sky, I want everyone start capturing rain water in jars or any container you can find. Then go home and boil the rain water until it disappears off the face of the earth. That ought to send a message to the clouds in the sky to not mess with Red Sox Nation. And I don't want to hear any scientific mumbo-jumbo about the water cycle, we have to strike quickly and not think rationally. We should also tell the rain to go away and never come back. Ever.

Red Sox Nation, remember it wasn't the player's poor play, lack of consistent offense, awful starting pitching, a bullpen that can't hold a lead, overpaid outfielders, a 2-10 start, a 20 loss September, bad managing, or a complacent front office's fault for this epic collapse, it was our aqueous enemy, the rain!

Flashers

No it's not what you're thinking sicko! I'm talking about cars here!
Sometimes it seems like people flash their highbeam at you for no reason! And you think to yourself - do I know that person? Are my highbeams on? Should I chase them and ask them why they just highbeamed me?

It could be all of the above (I wouldn't recommend chasing them down though) or next time you should slow down, because it could mean that there's a cop up ahead. It actually saved me a few times, probably because I'm so confused and trying to think about what I did wrong that I inadvertently slowed down. Hey whatever works right?!

But here lies the problem... I like it when people do this for me, but I don't want to do it for others. I know I should probably extend the same courtesy to others, but I really can't do it! When someone flies past me, in my head I'm actually hoping there's a cop up ahead. You know why? Because I actually enjoy watching people get pulled over..... as long as it's not me!

The importance of punctuation.

Today's post will show the importance of including commas, semicolons, and hyphens in everyday writing.

Exhibit A:
What they meant: "Let's attack, Calvin."
What they wrote: "Let's attack Calvin."

Without the comma, our game of Halo went from cooperative fun to cold-blooded betrayal. This is why we should just get an Xbox headset instead of gameplanning on AIM.

Exhibit B:
What they meant: "The following people are promoted: Auyeung, Mike; Ortiz, David."
What they wrote: "The following people are promoted: Auyeung, Mike, Ortiz, David."

Since his boss didn't use a semicolon, Mikey thought his 4 colleagues: Auyeung Lee, Mike Chan, Ortiz Rasputin, and David Pedroia got the promotion he had worked so hard for. By the time Mikey realized he got the promotion, his boss's toupee had already been vacuumed off his head.

Exhibit C:
What they meant: "Steve Jobs re-signs as Apple CEO."
What they wrote: "Steve Jobs resigns as Apple CEO."

By forgetting the hyphen, now everyone thinks Steve Jobs is leaving his position at Apple. In actuality, he has re-signed with his company for 8 years, 120 million dollars. Hopefully, Chris Johnson doesn't demand to be paid like a top CEO.

Water Country! Water Country! Water Country!

Have some fun! Seriously if you've been in Boston for more than one summer you should know this song by heart. They play it all the time on the radio and on TV.

For those of you not from Boston, I don't think they've changed their TV commercial in over 10 years. Because for as long as I've been in Boston that's the commercial I remember. The video quality is grainy and outdated. The kids in the video are now in their 30's and bringing their kids to the park.

and what about the theme song? Why is it so catchy? I just have to sing along out loud no matter where I am. I just can't help it and I hope they never change it!

you know what the funny thing is... as much as I like the song and you would think I'd be there every summer, but I have never been to Water Country. So thank you Water Country not for a very cool spot, or a place to feel and be young, but for a very very catchy and timeless jingle.

The Plan

I've been thinking about something. Anyway.

You ever notice that people just sort of show up into the internet-celebridom? Random people get a buzz and all of a sudden they're famous for really doing nothing, besides having a particular body type (Kim Kardashian), being rich (Paris Hilton), or doing something less kid-friendly (Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton). They just kind of showed up and were instantly famous.

This sparked a thought in my mind. I have a particular body type (mine), I am rich (rich in debt), and I do something that's not kid-friendly (eating vegetables).

I can become an internet celebrity too!

So I started shooting a viral video of me eating corn when it hit me. These factors really don't matter! Why? Because there is one thing that unites all famous people on the internet. Quickly, I put my corn down and turned off my camera.

You probably think the x-factor is number of hits on a website, weblog, or facebook page. WRONG! Realistically regular Joe Schmoes like us can get heavy traffic too. (Thanks, mom!) No, the thing that all celebrities have is this: more followers than followees. Check facebook, twitter, myspace, instagram. Every famous person has what I call the golden ratio. (I'm gonna copyright that...)

The Golden Ratio of followers to followees has to be greater than 4. That's the key to being famous. Brilliant! (If you want to check my math see below.)

So here was the plan:

• Step 1: All I need to do is get a bunch of people to follow me.
• Step 2: Bask in my own awesomeness + famousness.

But then I realized a bump in my road to famawesomousness. My ratio would still be close to equilibrium. Then it came to me like a song I wrote. I could unfollow all of my friends and that would make my ratio perfectly unbalanced. Genius.

So, I'll send you a postcard from the top and when I thank all the little people that helped me win a Webby, know that I am talking about you, my ex-friends.

test famawesomousness () {

GR=F/f

if (GR > 4) {

u = "famous celebrity";

} else if (GR <= 4) {

u = "local yokel";

}

}

A Joke.

What do you get when you mix Brandy with honey from the moon?

Mo', Mooney, mo problems.

Guess who's bizack?

Kiss the ring. #swag.

Greetings from the left coast. And now a message from our sponsors...

Planets

Calvin informed us as we were playing video games with the volume on full blast that he's going to the Moon and won't be back for a while. Pshh, out of all the places in the solar system to visit, he picks the Moon? Boring!

This made me wonder what it would be like to live on another planet in the solar system. Here are some quick thoughts of living on each planet:

Mercury - It's for those who need major tans.

Venus - Too many woman there, not for me.

Earth - Currently live there.

Mars - Too many men there, not my cup of tea.

Jupiter - If you want to gain a lot of weight quickly, this is the place for you.

Saturn - For those who love the bling.

Uranus - You never know what you'll find there.

Neptune - For cold people and Pharrell.

Pluto - Sorry, you don't make the cut.

Calvin, have fun on the Moon, bring us back some cheese and a US flag.

Marriage

Marriages are never easy. So you can understand when I was a little uneasy when I first heard about this marriage. It's hard when you bring a new person into your life - trying to get them to understand your lifestyle and thinking. We can hope that it will work out. And when it does, it's amazing! But when it doesn't, it can get ugly real quick..

so here's my toast to you: Best of Luck to you....













New England Patriots! I hope it all works out with Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco!

Uh Oh!

Things you never want a hole in:

- your pants
- your raft/boat/ship
- your tooth

yup I woke up to find some sort of hole/chip on the side of my maxillary first molar. Now I have to go to the dentist. Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled my appointment from a few months ago...

but then again.. now I can get my grillz for real!!

Shallow Thoughts

This is not as deep as Calvin's thoughts.. but I was just at a potluck, and at the end there were two diet pepsi and two diet coke opened, all about 80% full. Why do people do that?!

Now I'm stuck with 4 diet sodas, and I have to drink them all within 48 hours before they all go flat. Look before you open a new one people!

Deep Thoughts

When I was a kid, I liked talking to random people who would come into my dad's restaurant. We'd talk for what seemed like forever, but was more likely a few minutes. Today, I tried doing the same with some young kids at the park. They must have been deep introverts because they ran away from me as I approached them.

Deep Thoughts

Whenever we someone talks about fears, they talk about the acute stress response, or more commonly known as the fight-or-flight response. But what if I fear flying?

Deep Thoughts

If 30's the new 20, does that make 20 the new 10's? If so, that means I will be cutting my bowl haircut before my wedding prom.

where's calvin?

We think we lost Calvin. We think we left him either at the mall or at the zoo. Our hope was that we could easily spot him because of his attire, but unfortunately there were too many hipsters around and it was free argyle sweater day at the mall. We had no luck at the zoo either because of all the zebras roaming the area.

If anyone has info on his location, please post in our comments. We hope we find him soon, or else we'll be stuck with really bad photoshop jobs.

Team USA Strikes Back!

The Women's World Cup is surprisingly interesting this year. I still have goosebumps after watching the replay of the game tying goal against Brazil in the quarterfinals. After a win against France yesterday, the US has a date with Japan in the World Cup Finals. I haven't been this excited about women kicking balls since 1999. I actually don't know very much about the team this year, but I did some research on the Internet and here's what I came up with:

The star goalie, Hope Solo, daughter of Han Solo and Princess Leia, was named after the first movie her father starred in. Hope is actually her middle name, she has since dropped her birth name, Anew. She is the first Jedi to be named on the US Woman's National Team since Mia Hammwalker.

Forward Abby "Flying" Wambach, known for her offensive prowess, prefers using her head instead of her feet to score goals, in order to preserve her great feet. She sometimes is referred to as "Wambacca" by her teammates, especially in her wookiee season. She is best friends with Hope Solo and they spend their vacation days smuggling heroes through Imperial blockades.

The Internet is so full of reliable and useful information, who needs encyclopedias? Go USA Go!

Home Run Derby

I was actually entertained by the home run derby last night. The home run derby has always been one of my favorite all-star events. But it hasn't been as entertaining for a while. However within the last few years, it's become entertaining again. I really like how technology has become such a big part of the home run derby. Some of my favorite parts are the ball tracker chart and the super slow-mo of their swings. So why not take it to another level with the technology... wouldn't it be cool to have a video camera on the ball!? To see a ball crushed from the ball's point of view would be awesome! I'm sure with our technology now it can absolutely be done. So instead of seeing the ball fly at you, you can see this up close....