Show me how to live, John Mayer

John Mayer gives the worst advice.

Advice 1

Advice 2

Thanks for nothing, John Mayer.

Don't be a victim. Get educated.

People have been lazy for generations and while there are many different factors, none is more notorious than sweatpants. Studies have shown that sweatpants are the #1 contributor in 6-12 categories of laziness, including but not limited to: procrastinating, dawdling, and lollygagging.

This is because during the construction of the garments, a very scientific chemical reaction occurs and the chemicals produced have an adverse effect on humans. The chemicals mix with human sweat and form a gas. That gas enters into the body through the butt, like a reverse-fart, except it's not funny. It's dangerous, here's how much:

Exhibit A:

Look at James Van derBeek. James used to be a budding hollywood actor with a very promising career. But once his TV show ended, he was never seen. Why? He was working hard auditioning for new roles until one day he put on sweatpants and decided to skip his search for one day. He skipped the next day too and decided to buy an iPod so he could psyche himself for his auditions. The third day he bought a pair of Uggs and that's when he really let himself go. One of my cohorts who used to work with him tried to reach out to him, but to no avail. This picture was taken right before he stopped at Auntie Annie's for a Pretzel Dog and Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel Nuggets. This was the third breakfast out of five that day.

Exhibit B:

See this man? Sure he looks like he's just relaxing. But this picture was taken right after he walked up one flight of stairs. Physically exhausted, he needed a rest. His manager and mother took the picture to show him how he needed help. I'm happy to say that his story ends well. This man quit his sweatpants addiction and became the phenom we all know as Usher. OMG.

You've been warned, America.

super size mike

With our most loyal blog reader Mikey back from his overseas trip, there was speculation whether he gained any weight. Calvin and I were thinking of funny ways for him to know if he's gotten heavier without the use of a scale.

- His car tires burst when he gets into the car
- Shirt buttons break in half when he inhales
- It takes 2 weeks for gas to surface
- The flight home was just turning around
- He has to take baths at Sea World
- He cries hoisin sauce.

Welcome back Mikey, we hope you realize that the octopus card wasn't made of octopus.

save points

Sometimes I dream that my life would be like an RPG (role playing game). If I could see that I was leveling up, I'd probably spend more time reading, studying, or causing squirrels to faint. But I think it'd be cool if there were save points in real life. For those who aren't familiar with RPGs, basically at a save point, you save all your progress so far in a game. If you happen to die anytime after that, you revert back to the last place you've saved. Now let's think about this for a moment...

...

...

...

...sorry I dozed off (and regained all my health!). Imagine what you could do with save points. Let's say you have a test the next day and save before you walk to class. You get all the questions wrong. But that's okay, you saved before the test. Just accidentally fall off a cliff and voila! You end up outside your classroom door and you remember all the questions! You can ace it! (If you forget the questions, you can just repeat the process until you get the grade you want.)

Or how about you're stuck in traffic going to a job interview and you see an alternate route with no traffic that was an exit earlier? Accidentally drive off a cliff and poof! Assuming you saved before you left for the interview, you're back in the car and you can take that earlier exit and be there on time for the interview! (Afraid of how the interview will go? Just save beforehand!)

Or how about saving right before you enter a DTR? It didn't turn out the way you wanted? That's okay, just lose a fight with a tough guy named Cliff and tada! Now you can run away from the conversation while preserving the friendship!

Yes, the save point would be great. Some people may argue that we would lose all our memories that occur after the last time we save, but for the sake of this post, that is not true at all! Readers, what are your thoughts on the save points in real life? (If you didn't like this post, I will probably reset.)

Free Dez!

This past Wednesday Dez Bryant, a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, was kicked out of a mall in Dallas. Not for stealing. Not for breaking goods. So what was he kicked out for? Baggy pants. Yes, my friends, he was kicked out because he had baggy pants. I mean yes, perhaps a fashion faux pas, but hardly an offense to get one kicked out of a mall. Ok granted he made a profane commotion when asked to lift up his pants and he has a track record of issues in that mall, but still, I don't think he should've been kicked out. Yes, he's showing some butt, but no one is stopping all those teenage girls from doing the same thing. Caught you, mall cop! At least Dez is spending money! He's paying for his Supermoon!

They had to have been specifically keeping an eye on him. You know why? The mall cops never kick out those teenagers who do all the annoying things that make the mall worse than it already is. Yet in walks Dez Bryant and it's an ABP on Mr. Saggy-Butt-Pants. I mean I used to work at the mall on weekends and something that would always bug me was the number of kids who would come into my store and play with the stuff there and take pictures of themselves and yell across the store. I was blown away by their general lack of courtesy. Very often we would have to call security and they would be kicked out of our store. But nothing would ever change. Friday 5pm would usher in teen girl squad and the Bieberites. Get a job! Join a club! Something!

Today is Friday. If you're looking for proof, go to the mall and observe teenage human behavior and you will see what I'm talking about. Without a doubt you will see it is clear that Dez was a victim: a rich and famous victim or being barred from his favorite place to spend exorbitant amounts of money. What is America coming to? Won't someone think of the celebrities?

What's in a name? Part 2: Better than Ezra

Ok Round two. Round one was yesterday, just in case you missed it, which is likely because you were too busy. Go back and find it. Now. Right now, then come back. I can wait. Ok, welcome back.

N - Nebuchadnezzar
Good luck spelling this name correctly.

O - Orpah
People will think you misspelled Oprah, when it was, in fact, the other way around.)

P - Pharisee

They might grow up to be a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but they're gonna be a bummer to hang with on Sundays.

Q - Quartus
Yes, 4 people named like this would make a Gallonus.

R - Rehoboam
Another bad king. You don't want them to go to rehob. Pun.

S - Satan

Come on now, do we really need to explain this? I guess if HE likes double hockey sticks.

T - Timon
One of the first deacons, but may be mistaken for a Meerkat.

U - Uz
He will get called the Wizard of Uz or Mr. potato chips (Utz)...fine it's a stretch.

V - Vashni

Your kid will always have vashed knees. Pun...Ok C'mon this is pretty hard.

W - Whatever you come up with your own names...judgin' me.

X - Xena
We couldn't find a Biblical name that started with X.

Y - Yosiahu
Josiah in Hebrew, but I'm Chinese.

Z - Zacchaeus
He probably won't be taking his talents to South Beach.

So ... that's it ... so, what's new with you? ... Forget it, I'm outta here. Never gonna post again...

What's in a name? Part 1

My parents named me after a Biblical character. Calvin's parents named him after a cartoon character. For all you expectant parents out there, here's a guide to a list of Biblical names that you should probably avoid giving to your child. We decided to pick one name for each letter of the alphabet, because all baby name books are ordered alphabetically. We'll start off with A through M today.

A - Abimelech
This guy got clowned twice by a father-son duo. Your child won't be able to marry someone without getting cursed.

B - Baal
Naming your child after a pagan god probably won't work out...unless he's Christian.

C - Christ
I'm pretty sure your child will not live up to the expectations of the name.

D - Dorcas
We probably don't need to explain this, Malorkus.

E - Elimelech
Your child would get struck down by God if he tries to leave the country.

F - Festus
Meet the Addams Family, Uncle Festus.

G - Goliath
He's going to get beaten up by little kids when he grows up.

H - Ham
Just asking for fat jokes.

I - Ir
Your child would hear people say "err" so much that he'd think everyone was talking to him.

J - Judas
You're basically telling your kid that you want him to be a church treasurer when he grows up.

K - Kenan
If we're going by careers, I guess it could be worse, you could name your kid Kel

L - Lazarus
People won't know whether to bury him or not when he dies. Also a terribly difficult name for chinese grandparents to say "razalus-ah"

M - Manasseh
This was one bad king dude, and it's basically a combination of man and Vanessa. (There's nothing wrong with the name Vanessa, I just wouldn't call my son that.)