Popular. You're gonna be popuuular.

I have looked through my life and figured out all the missteps I took in life that made me unpopular. I boiled them down to three practical steps from each stage of my life. I plan to change the direction of my popularity trajectory ASAP, but I figured I would share with you all so we can all be popular together.

1. Own a Tamagotchi or Furby

• When I was young all the cool kids had Tamagotchis. I would look at all my classmates play with theirs at recess and I would just play with my pet rock, but it was a bootleg from Canal St. Maybe I should change this title because I did have one, but at that point I was way too old and Furbies were the cool thing to have. So get either or both.

2. Go hang out with one college student.

• I don't know what it was, but all the cool kids in high school would hang out with one person who came back from college, usually a guy. He'd always talk about how much better life was and how cool he was at college. He'd always have this great story about waking up at 1pm and rolling out of bed in sweatpants and going to class and coming back to play videogames until 4am, which is when he would go to Denny's to get a grandslam. So cool.

3. Popped collars

• In college, all the really cool kids did this. It was like a status symbol.
  
  "What's that? a T-shirt?! Where's the collar? Must be a lame-o."
  
  Put on a polo with a popped collar and it all changes .
  
  "Who's that guy? He's cool. I don't know what it is about him, but I think he'd make a great boyfriend/bro."

Done deal. Instant cool.The more popped collars the better too. It was like a status symbol. Nay, a badge of honor.

So there you have it. Next time I see you, I expect to see you with an electronic pet making e-poop, a college student talking about how awesome he is and you getting heat stroke from an overdose of popped collars.

Follow these rules you'll be popular. Just not quite as popular as meeeee.