ok had to sneak this in

So today is Jared's birthday, I dont care if this is your first time at our blog or your 10000000th. lets celebrate his birth by sharing some memories we've had involving him in the comments below. He'd do the same for you, if you wrote a blog with him!

Resolved

Upon further reflection, we at for humor's sake have decided that it's best for us to post less often in order to increase the quality of every post. With this news, we suspect there will be FAQs. We hear you.

1. I read your blog every day what does that mean for me, your reader?
   While, you will be getting less quantitatively, you will be getting more qualitatively. It allows for us to come up with better ideas to write on and you get less filler. We noticed that our readership did not like filler, so to curb that we have come to this decision.
   
   
2. Does that mean you will never post every day?
   No, that's a good question though. We will not necessarily refrain from posting on everyday, but we are creating the space to not post if we don't have anything funny to say. We want to manage our readers' expectations so they know that if they do not see a post, nothing is wrong.
   
   
3. I don't like this change, go back
   We appreciate your feedback, but that is technically not a question. We understand some of you might dislike this move very much and again we will try our hardest to come up with good material consistently, but we simply cannot, nay, should not promise that we will produce a daily post.
   
   
4. Ok, that seems fair, but I still don't like it as much. Is there a way I can help?
   I'm glad you asked. The answer is yes. The best way to help is by offering feedback, post ideas, and comments in the comments section. Very often we are inspired by our readers and take their ideas and run with them. It makes it much more interactive and it's a pretty cool feeling seeing your idea and thinking, "hey that's my idea." and not suing us.
   
   
5. Ok, I accept. So...Where do babies come from?
   I'll let Jared field this one.

Getting better with age?

I recently looked at some of my old posts and I came to a great revelation. I have some really bad posts! I mean this isn't a pity party, but some things I've written are honestly a waste of internet bandwidth.

For instance:

• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2008/10/do-you-think-it-is-uncool-to-wear.html
• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2009/10/who-is-funny.html

Pretty bad right? Arnold = governor/robot? [shakes head] I'm ashamed. Good thing some things get better with time. I've been told that like a fine whine, writing gets better as I grow older I get. So I thought, let's take a look at my more recent posts to see how I've grown. Sadly, they don't get much better.

For instance:

• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2011/02/worst-pickup-line-redux.html
• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2011/01/breaking-news-local-person-reads-blog.html

I mean really? A fake news story about someone who reads our blog? [shakes head] I'm still ashamed. Hopefully my posts will get better. Maybe we should post less so we can post when we actually have something funny to write. Or we could fast forward to when I'm 80 and I'm hilarious. Whichever is easier.

How to Not Use Technology

People are always trying to find multiple uses for things to increase productivity with reduced cost. Even Bill Belichick does it when he looks for players that can return kicks, block, and be the star quarterback...all at the same time. However, some things just aren't meant to have multiple uses, so here's a list we've come up with.

- Shoulder iPads

You can run down the sidelines, while listening to surround sound mp3 music, and score the winning touchdown all at once, but the blood in your cracked screen probably won't be covered by applecare

- Escape iPod

Sure your iPod would allow you to escape a burning spaceship and listen to Rocketman at the same time, but entering the atmosphere would make your head explode from the pressure. If not that, then your body would be burnt up to a crisp. Cookie Crisp

- Bring a Desktop to class

Yes it is more powerful and it can probably hold more mp3's but you'd look like a total doofus.

Technology is supposed to make life better, but here are some clear examples of how they make life more difficult. How else should we not use technology? Let us know in the comment section!

A socially responsible post

With the passing of Earth Day, we are all reminded that we, as a human race, are all responsible for preserving and maintaining the resources and beauty of the earth which God created. However, an overlooked resource that seems to always be wasted is our words. For some reason, people have no problems babbling about Justin Bieber or typing insensitive comments on cnn.com as if we will never run out of words. But I have news for you all: we have a finite number of words in our lifetime. Why should we waste them on useless things? I have a few daily suggestions for how we can reduce word wastage.

1. Use longer words to be more word-efficient (greater wordfficieny)

If we plan to use words to communicate anyway, why not get the most bang for our buck? I have a theory that the lengthiness of a term is directly proportional to the amount of information extracted from it. Better dust up your SAT books, because they finally have some use again.

2. Stop turning in crap when writing papers

We all do it at some point in our schooling. We're 5 pages short of the 5 page minimum, so we do the only thing we know how to do: we heap on steaming piles of words. We reiterate our points over and over again, but spread them out. We explain something in ten sentences when it can be summarized in one phrase. We totally fabricate another reason why our thesis statement can be supported. We repeat our thoughts in several locations throughout the paper. If we plan to save our words, we need to stop it as its main source: school papers.

3. Embrace awkward silences

Awkward silences are inevitable and they are usually seen as a negative thing, but we propose that they be seen as a wordfficiently useful. If we talk less, we will have less opportunities to waste our words. So next time someone sees you picking your nose, just ride the silence and eat in peace.

4. Reuse old statements

Awkward silences are inevitable and they are usually seen as a negative thing, but we propose that they be seen as a wordfficiently useful. If we talk less, we will have less opportunities to waste our words. So next time someone sees you picking your nose, just ride the silence and eat in peace.

As earth's limited resources continue to expire, we must do our part to take care of the world we've been given. Hopefully these tips have been helpful to you in the battle to save our most important resource: coal.

Easter

I gave up posting filler posts for Lent.

Happy Easter!

Have a Good Friday!

Then I see my friends.

gifts for loyalty

As some of you know, our most loyal blog reader, Mikey, celebrated his birthday yesterday. As a result, we thought it would be a great idea to raise up some funds to buy him a nice gift to commemorate his year of loyalty . So we did what we do best: fart. After our gas festival, Calvin and I thought about legitimate ways to get money and it dawned on us at the same time: start a pyramid scheme.

We looked up instructions on the internet but found they were too confusing, mostly because it contained hard-to-pronounce words like "fraud" and "the". We found pictures of pyramid schemes instead. Unfortunately, Calvin accidentally printed out the pyramid upside down, so we ended up sending 100 dollars to 10 people and told those people to send 100 dollars to 10 more people. Upon realizing our mistake, I went to print the pyramid in the correct direction. Unfortunately, because I was distracted by youtube, I printed out the food pyramid instead. We ended up mailing letters to numerous people, demanding they send us fruits and vegetables back.

We didn't want to give a fruit offering to Mike (look what happened to Cain), so we looked on the internet for more ways to get money. While we were surfing, Calvin got a facebook message from Mikey's brother himself claiming that he's stuck in Africa and needs the funds to come back to Ammerika! What a great gift-coming to the rescue of our friend's brother! So we sent him the $10,000 he requested though Western Union in honor of Mikey. Did you know he was a prince of Nigeria?

Anyway, we've spent so much money on him, but we haven't actually given him a tangible gift yet. So instead, our gift is a blog post about him because this is the best we could do until the Xbox 720 Prince Desmond promised arrives. Happy Birthday!

Inspiration

Here's an inside look at how Jared and I write posts. Often one will ask the other, "What do you want to post next?" The other will often say, "I don't know. I can't find any inspiration." And then we talk about something else for a few hours until we HAVE to post. Well I'm ashamed to say this, but we finally found inspiration.

Rock and/or Roll

Some of the world's greatest philosophers have wrestled with what the world would be like if the Bible was written in our lifetime. Indeed I too have many questions in regards to this conundrum.

WWJD? (What would Jesus do?) How would Jesus have interacted with the general public? Who would He have hung out with and who would He have rebuked? Who would He have healed?

WWJHCTBH12A? (Who would Jesus have chosen to be His Twelve Apostles?) What would the occupations of them have been? How would they have been persecuted? What kind of bread would they have broken?

These deep questions will never have concrete answers, but one question I have does and that is by far the deepest question regarding this topic: How would it have affected the band names of the era?

Let's take a look at some key examples:

Savage Garden of Eden
Nat King David
Middle East Movement
Kid Cephas
Jonah and the Blowfish
Shekelback
George Clinton and the Sanhedrin Funkadelic
The Mighty Mighty Philistones
John Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Better Than Nehemiah

These are just some of the bands, which ones have you discovered? Comment below!

Take that Michael Jordan

I'm baaaaack.

So it turns out I didn't test positive for BEDs after all. They checked my "B" and "P" sample, and it turned up negative for BEDs. It also turns out that the "steroids" I purchased from Jordan's Furniture were just an over-the-counter placebo suppository. It's good to be back doing the thing that I love most: forcing Calvin to write things for me and taking credit for it.

So I bet you must be curious what I was up to during my semi-retirement.

I missed blog writing so much that I decided to go overseas to join a European blog. Things were great in the beginning, but when the blog owners realized that the only Spanish I knew was from a Taco Bell menu, things went chalupa supreme really fast.

Next, I tried to further my rap career. I figured since I can't sing very well, rapping would be my best bet for a music career. I tried remixing all of Eminem's top hits into one song in hopes of creating the greatest rap song of all time. Instead, I ended up with the Sesame Street theme song. Let's just say it didn't sell very well (except for the age 1 through 5 demographic) and I blew all my earnings betting against the Harlem Globetrotters.

Lastly, I watched the Celtics beat the Knicks and did my laundry. Retired people still have to wear clean clothes, you know.

All Eyez On Me

It’s Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday. Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend.

I know that we all miss Jared. So I went digging through our old drafts and found a post that he started writing. It is strangely ominous considering what happened this week. Here take a look:

President Obama gave us a direct order to create more jobs. So we're creating them as fast as we can, here are some of our postings. Please apply if interested.

Job Title: Senior Blog Reader

Number of Openings: 5,000

Salary: Any money found on the ground is yours.

Description: Our blog is looking for people who can read our blog and laugh at it, preferably because the blog content is funny, not because they are being tickled.

Desired Qualities:

• Must read blog everyday
• Must comment whenever possible
• Understand Asian cultural jokes
• Sense of humor
• Likes pancakes

Who would've thought he was talking about himself. Here's another one.

Retirement is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, you're able to do all the things that you wish you could do while you're at work, but on the other hand you don't get to do the work that you've trained much of your life doing. For instance, if I wasn't working, I'd probably be blogging more. The 8-12 hours I work could be devoted to being funny, which is completely natural to me. No artificial humor injections needed. And if I ever do get caught I'm going to retire instead of dealing with the consequences.

I guess he sort of knew he was destined for greater things. Now we all know why the caged bird sings. Fly, Jared, fly up up to the sky.

Napping is great

Feeling sleepy?

One of the greatest difficulties regarding working a full-time job is having enough energy to get through the entire day. Late night conversation? That means early morning incoherence. Big lunch? Good afternoon food coma and good day to you too, itis. So what's the solution?

When I worked full-time, I was most tired in the morning and after lunch, usually for those two reasons. Everyone knows that the best way to counteract the sleepies is to take a nap, not caffeine, but where do you take a nap when you don't have a bed or a couch to sleep on? Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who has a couch in your workplace, but can you really sleep in the open and face being labeled lazy? The answer is a resounding no. So, I found the best place to sleep was the toilet.

Here's how you do it:

1. Go into the bathroom
2. Go into the toilet stall (not the urinal, gentlemen ... or ladies...)
3. Drop trou - I know, I know, it seems unnecessary, but its far less incriminating if it seems like you went in there for other business because let's face it: people can see your feet, even if it's not intentional. Just sayin'. It's like Jared always told me, "If you can't act, at least look the part." (He may or may not have ever said that, but he's retired so he can't stop me from making stories up.)
4. Set an alarm for the same ringtone that you normally use for calls. - This way if someone is in the bathroom when you wake up, it'll sound like you just got a phone call.
5. Nap. Any time is acceptable really. I personally liked 15 minutes with a snooze option.
6. Wake up
7. Make small talk with anyone in the bathroom with you
8. Try to clean up any marks on your face from the stall wall or your wrist watch. (You could also take off your watch.)
9. Walk out refreshed to your promotion and/or raise*

Try it out today. You're welcome, universe.

*Results may vary. Possible side effects may include loss of vision or termination. If nap lasts longer than four hours, consult your physician.

Statement from Jared

Hello faithful readership,

As you all know Jared has retired from blogging and the situation has left the blog in a scramble to figure out how to move on without him. This morning Jared broke his silence and released the following statement:

Dear fans of FHS,

These past few years, I enjoyed writing (or forcing Calvin to write) blog posts at FHS and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world (except reservations to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant), but I felt that now is a good time to hang up my keyboard and call it a career. I am at ease with the decision. God knows what's best for me (but I wish I would actually listen to Him). I'll be going away on a trip to Spain with my old man to eat lots of dim sum---er, tapas. Some may believe that I am retiring to avoid the repercussions of my alleged BEDs use. But I assure you that the only BEDs I've purchased in the past year are from Jordan's Furniture.....'s back parking lot. Please continue to support FHS, especially Calvin, by liking all of his posts multiple times. So long, blog-ser

Jared

This Can't Be Happening

Attention all FHS readers: See the article posted below! FHS needs its readers now more than ever!!!

Half of Local Mediocre Blog Retires Unexpectedly

Boston, MA

4/12/11 8:17am

Jared of the blog For-humors-sake.blogspot.com was informed late last night that he tested positive for BEDs (blog-enhancing drugs). This was his second offense, which according to the ordinances set by the MLB (Major League Blogging), is subject to a 100 post suspension. First-time offenders are subject to suspension for 50 posts, which Jared served from April 1, 2010 and January 7, 2011. This comes as a great shock to many as most readers will remember the heated campaign against BEDs, the denial of his first offense, and subsequent vow to stay clean.

Even more unexpected is his decision to retire from the world of blogging, instead of serving his suspension. One can only imagine how this will affect his public perception and the lasting reputation of his blogging career.

When asked for a comment, his blogging partner, Calvin, had this to say:

"This is a sad day for the blog. I know Jared wanted to produce good numbers with his posts and I know during writers' block he put a lot of pressure on himself, but I didn't think he'd start using again...The signs were there. I should've interceded. I just hope he'll come back some day. Else, this is the end of an era I just miss my friend. Jared, if you're out there come back. The team needs you."

There are no known details regarding what he plans on doing with his time or his computer now that he will no longer be blogging, but rumors have surfaced that he is considering taking his talents to south beach to eat at a Miami Subs Grill, but others report he is eating at a Pollo Tropical. Details in this breaking news will be reported as soon as they emerge.

Best Case Scenario

We are taught in life to hope for the best, but plan for the worst. But why don't we ever prepare for the best-case scenario? If you think about it, the worst-case scenario is just as likely to happen as the best-case scenario (i.e. rolling a 1 vs. 12 in monopoly, check the math, it's true). Imagine how red your face will be when the best-case scenario happens, and you're not prepared for it. You may laugh at me (ha ha ha), but I carry very random specific objects with me at all times in preparation for a fortuitous moment.

Item 1: Bucket
Best Case Scenario: Money falls from the sky.
Comments: If money falls from the sky, everybody knows the best item to have is a bucket. Everyone will be trying to stuff money into their pockets and European satchels, but those only have limited space. A bucket is basically bottomless if you ignore the inner dimensions of the bucket. My bucket is decorated with a dollar sign on it to explain its purpose.

Item 2: Leather jacket
Best Case Scenario: Someone decides to give away their Ferrari to the coolest person they see.
Comments: There's always a chance that a local Ferrari dealer is willing to give away their last Ferrari on the lot just to get the dealer bonus. However, the dealer can't just hand it to anyone, he's got to give to the person who best exemplifies coolness. That's where the leather jacket comes into play. You don't even have to wear it, just hold it Zack Morris style (over your back with one hand) and you will stand out among the rest. Just think as you are driving away in your new free car (don't worry about taxes, the government decided to let this gift slide), I'm so glad I found this rhinestone leather jacket from my mom's closet.

Item 3: Mop
Best Case Scenario: A sudden promotion
Comments: Your boss runs into your office with a worried look on his face. He's forgotten to get a gift for his young daughter's birthday. It's already 9 pm, the malls are all closed, what is he to do? That is when you reveal the mop you've been carrying with you everyday to work. You pull off the stick and hand the yarn bundle to your boss. It's a Justin Bieber hair replica. Your boss is overjoyed because his daughter is a Bieber-ite! Not only does your boss perform the moonwalk, he gives you a promotion. And it's all because you had that mop.

FHS Advice #1

We recently got a letter from an anonymous reader asking if we could post some advice. We thought that was a great idea. We're ashamed we hadn't thought of it before. So thanks reader!

Here's the text of the letter:

Dear FHS,

I am getting married this weekend and I was wondering if you had any tips or advice that I should keep in mind for the day? Anything will be helpful. Your blog is awesomely funny and I read it everyday.

Your Pal,

Bro-in' to the Chapel

Well first of all, thanks for reading. We try working pretty hard to bring a small blip of joy to our readers' days so it means a lot when people let us know that they think we're doing a good job. :) Anyway, we don't know how qualified we are as neither one of us is married, but to the advice!

1. Make sure to go to the bathroom before your ceremony begins
2. Wear clean underwear. You'll feel fresher and the wedding party may thank you for it.
3. Do not eat chili on the night before your wedding. Just don't do it.
4. If you hear a funny noise when you're in front of everyone, it was the floorboards. Trust me.
5. If you need to pass gas, don't do it when music is playing. Sound can't block scent.
6. If all else fails, just wear a brown suit.

We hope this advice is helpful. Just remember to pace yourself, you don't want to poop yourself out before the cake is even cut! And most importantly, this is your big day, one that you and your spouse-to-be have worked hard to plan, so just enjoy and savor it.

Love,

FHS

Hyperbole

Can you imagine a world where hyperbole was taken literally? Pretty awesome right? Maybe you're thinking, "What are you talking about?" Allow me to explain.

Hyperbole is defined as:

hyperbole |hīˈpərbəlē|
noun
exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally.

It's essentially lying, so I'd be lying less. But not only that, it would be a strong motivator for us to I would think harder about what words I use, which if you know me, I'm not very so very nice at doing ... that.

Example A:
I'd think carefully about telling someone how hungry I was because I knew that if I said, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," they would feed me a horse. I don't like horse meat! And to make things worse, I'd see all that food and I'd feel bad wasting it and I'd force myself to eat a lot more than I needed. This would make me fatter and give me heart disease and thus kill me at the tender age of 12.

Example B:
I need my phone on me at all times so that I can do all the important things like update my blog while driving and play games while on the toilet. Needless to say, I am naked without it. If hyperbole was to be taken literally, I would never leave my cell phone at home because if I am naked without it, every time I left it at home, I'd get arrested for indecent exposure, preventing me from living out my dream of being Raffi's understudy.

So I think it's pretty clear life would be a lot better if we took hyperbole literally. So do it because if you don't I will get so mad, I'll die.

Rejected Joshua Harris Book Titles

Calvin and I were looking through the trash one day (for McRib boxes to eat, the boxes are just as delicious as the sandwiches themselves) and we stumbled upon a document that contained a list of crossed-out titles all written by the one and only Joshua Harris. Here is what we found on that document.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye alternate titles:

• So Long, Dating!
• Hey Dating, Say Hi To Your Mother For Me
• I DTR'd My Dates Away
• I Kissed Marriage Hello
• I Bid Farewell to Dating by means of a Kiss
• I Pecked Dating Goodbye
• I Refuse to Share a Drink with Dating
• I Blocked Dating on Gchat

Boy Meets Girl alternate titles:

• Boy Texts Girl
• Girl Not Interested
• Boy Awkwardly Talks to Girl
• Girl Waits For Boy
• Girl Fed Up
• Boy Mans Up, Then Talks to Girl with Confidence
• Boy Gets Girl
• Boy Meets World

hold on

Sorry readers, Calvin and I spent all night analyzing Jason Mraz lyrics in an attempt to find contradictory statements. Our findings so far: no contradictions (but we won't worry our lives away). As a result, we don't really have anything to post today. Please hold on for one more day.

Sorry, John Mayer

Dear John Mayer, Columbia Records and affiliates:

Please accept our apologies for making the claim that you give bad advice. We are a blog with a reputation for posts and sometimes humor. Yet, we are embarrassed that we took your songs, which are of high quality, out of context. John, we are very sorry. Our bad, J-May.

Our most valuable asset is our readers and we aim to please those who are loyal in their readership and clearly you are as such. We deeply regret the post. Surely, you can sympathize with us in regards to saying things that are misunderstood or taken out of context. We feel your anguish and are sorry for the same.

If either one of us can be of further help, please do not hesitate to contact us via comments. We check them often. We will reply at the first opportunity lest we upset you more. With this apology, we consider the matter closed, per our agreement.

Sincerely,

For Humor's Sake

Like us, Love us, Gotta Have us

You will notice that we have a recent addition to our blog posts: the like and un-like button! We will teach you have to use it properly.

Please LIKE us if:

• The post was funny.
• The post speaks the truth.
• The post brings up a scenario that you've also experienced.
• You like Calvin and/or Jared.
• You plan to marry Calvin.
• You are bored.

Please UN-LIKE us if:

• The post went over your head.
• The post was not funny.
• The post spoke heresy (and it wasn't sarcastic).
• The post spoke something positive about Justin Bieber.

Until next time,
FHS