lying.

lying is hard.....HA! just kidding. see i just lied to you. it's that easy.

but in all seriousness, lying is one of those things that really never comes back to bite you in the ass. excuse my mandarin. the more you lie, the better off you are! You no longer need to remember the facts and that is so convenient for your brain because it needs a rest from all that thinking.


Brain: "Hey heart, don't stop pumping or we're ... [to self] oh shoot, we need to remember to take out the trash and eat lunch"

Heart: [Thump thump] "huh? brain? don't stop or we're what? Are you're talking? I can't hear you over this pumping [stops pumping] ... " [dies]


I know what you're thinking, "Katz deli is so tasty." I agree, but I also know you're thinking, " what if I get caught lying?" well, my friend that's the beauty of it. you get to lie more to cover it up! Practice makes perfect!

But let's say you aren't quick enough to cover things up ... quickly. here are some tips.

1. start speaking a different language.

"Maria, you were supposed to pick up Jeff from practice two hours ago!? What have you been doing?"

"... homework."

"... it's the summer."

"ummmm ... che cosa è la circonferenza della terra... capelli... cane... blu."

"ughh... forget it, i'll go get him."

You are a pro, Maria! See how effective that was? You didn't even have to move! Let's continue!

2. Run Away

"Bob, we need to talk."

"...ok..."

"what exactly did you mean when you ... "

"Yoiks! [Runs away] "

"... said that .. HEY! what the?! get back here!"

Nice one, Bob! Running away is a classic way to avoid situations that should be solved! I believe the ancient greeks invented the method, but it was the hungarians that really perfected it.

Lastly, you can

3. Faint

"Do you want to tell me what you're keeping in your sock drawer?"

"... Ummm what are you talking about?..."

"don't play dumb with me you know what you have in there..."

"No I dont ... what did you find?"

"Bread. Michael. I found bread ... you told me you were done eating carbs! ... and white bread nonetheless....

"that's not mine. i was holding it for a friend...."

"I thought you were committed ... committed to the cause. how many grams have you eaten ... today! nevermind this week..."

"ummm... uhhhh [fake faints]"

"oh my gosh, michael. are you ok?"

Way to shift gears on the fly on em, Michael! Who could care about carbs when they think you're dying! HA HA HA! Now THAT'S effective!

So what have we learned today? well, we learned that lying is easy, useful, and good american fun! We also learned that lying isnt the only way to weasel out of things. And weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.