Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Pot Luckiest

The summer is here and that means many things to people. For some, it means going to the beach to lay out and get tanned/burned. For others it means packing away the long-sleeve button-up shirts and taking out the short-sleeved ones. But for many others it means BBQ's or potlucks.

Potlucks are for the most part a lot of fun, but there is a group of people for whom they are anything but. There is nothing that is visually distinct about this group, but the one thing that is distinct about them is their food, namely that their food gets left behind. Bad 'luckers, as we will refer them as, come in a variety of kinds. Here are some categories:
  1. "I'm a bad 'lucker and I know it" - These are typically the type that will bring something pre-made from the store or drinks. Their guilt is usually deep so the overcompensate by bringing an excess. i.e. 4 bottles of coke or 2 rotisserie chickens.
  2. "I'm a bad 'lucker, but I don't know it" - These are a tough breed because they will make something that they think is really good, but it is usually left off of people's plates. They might make excuses, but the reality is something is lacking from their dish. Probably presentation or good flavor. Their dish might be ham, watermelon, and wasabi shakes or durian-enfused anything.
  3. "I'm a bad 'lucker, but I can make one thing" - These are the hybrids between good and bad 'luckers. They might consistently bring rice krispies treats and they're not bad, but if they try something new, you're going to need some pepto.
  4. "I'm a bad 'lucker because I make such good food" - OK this breed isn't actually a bad food preparer, but their food is so good it usually makes all the rice krispies treats look like last month's milk. Everyone likes their food, but the truly bad 'luckers feel the truth even more.
Bad 'luckers will either work on their culinary abilities and become good 'luckers (#4). The worst is if they are oblivious bad 'luckers (#2) and they stay that way. So ask your friends what kind of 'lucker you are. The answer might surprise you. If you are a bad 'lucker, do not lose heart; there is hope: bring ice cream and waffle cones (#1). Everyone loves ice cream.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Poolitical Parties

We live in a time of a wide range of diverse perspectives and while many of them are hotly debated, none separates more friends and families than poop, which is a lot like politics, only better.

Excuse my being a bit crass, but it's true. Politics divide many people, but poop is the greatest polarizing topic. Some people love talking about it, some hate talking about it. There is no middle ground in regards to talking about poop. Let's prove it.

A conversation about poop begins...
"So last night I my friend told me a story about poo."
ok let's stop right here because this is where we see the greatest division. You will have two responses.
  1. "That's gross/nasty/TMI" aka "Don't continue."
  2. "Oh really? Tell me more/about it/what color it was." aka "Please continue."
No one will respond with an in-the-middle response like, "Oh that's interesting, but I don't feel like hearing it" or "Just give me the major highlights." As the conversation continues, group 1 will leave the room or pretend like they're not grossed out. Group 2 is probably on the floor in stitches.

Here we see the great divide in this country and perhaps across the globe. Here we find a bipartisanship that will never be able to be truly bridged. Repooblicans (those who don't like to talk about poo) and democraps (those who do) will forever stand on opposite sides of this aisle. (And if there happens to be a person who falls into the third category, we'll just call them the "brown party"). The only way to peace is for democraps to follow some simple rules for the sake of their repooblican friends. If you are of the former party, stop reading. you will hate the rest of this post.

My fellow democraps, we must show restraint around repooblicans. They do not think poo is funny, nor interesting. Here are some rules to help our opposing view friends.
  1. Ask if it is ok to share your poo-story
  2. Keep stories short
  3. Share less frequently
  4. Avoid descriptions of smell, consistency, and corn
If you follow these rules you will be reaching out with an olive branch. A dookie-covered olive branch.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Everything is in a name.


We're told that you can tell a lot from a name, but is that true? I don't think so. There are lots of examples of names that tell us really nothing about what's going on with them. Let's look at a few examples.

Yesterday, I saw someone eat sweetbreads. (not really) If you are unfamiliar, you might think someone ate some sweet flavored bread, right? Well you couldn't be any wronger. Wiki says, "Sweetbreads or ris are culinary names for the thymus (throat, gullet, or neck sweetbread) or the pancreas (heart, stomach, or belly sweetbread)." Feel mislead? Yeah, you should. Don't even get me started on head cheese.

Ok here's another example.

Yesterday I bought something from American Eagle.(not really. I guess technology does make us liars.) I thought I bought a ticket to Paris, instead I got a really nice polo that made me feel fly as Paris...Hilton. If you didn't know, American Eagle is the name of both a clothing store and an airline.

Last one if you're still with me.

When I was in middle school, I would listen to the cranberries all the time. Not the band, but these cranberries that would talk to me and tell me to burn things...

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Worst Foul of Last Night's Game

Tough loss last night folks and we here at FHS fully feel that. Yes it was hard to watch the last five minutes of the 4th quarter, but you want to know the hardest part to watch? Chris Bosh's matching shirt and tie.


It hurts so much... Keep this up and he'll the Craig Sager of his generation. He needs to take his talents to a tailor or a Brooks Brothers or something...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

bathroom humor

In my 3 years at work, I've observed many funny things. And for some reason, they all happened to be in the bathroom. Here's what I'm talking about:

1. I saw a guy peeing in the urinal... (Pretty normal.)
...while using his blackberry... (Uncommon, but it happens.)
...with both hands (Living the dream.)

2. There's a sticker on the urinal that says "every drop counts." It's hard to laugh and go to the bathroom at the same time.

3. A phone rings. Why does that sound so familiar? Ohh!! it's the Kim Possible ringtone....in the men's room?

4. An out of order sign appears on the toilet stall door. It says "Out of order but not out of odor" with stink marks coming out of it. Whoever put up that sign is the funniest man alive.

I guess all comic gold is inspired in the bathroom. Readers, have you ever discovered humor in the bathroom?

Monday, May 9, 2011

For Help's Sake

Here at for humor's sake our primary task is to try to be funny. Emphasis on the word "try." But sometimes we feel inspired to try to be helpful. Emphasis on the word "try." This weekend, I encountered inspiration.

Ok, so I gotta qualify this. If you're a guy and you think a girl likes you just because she's nice to you, she probably doesn't. She's just a nice girl (nice-girl effect) and she is probably just being nice and you're overthinking it. You just met her. Literally. Calm down.

However, if there is more that you are basing your assessment on (like if you knew each other all through law school and you spent a lot of time together studying torts), then continue reading.

Here are three things I learned from Something Borrowed...


1. If you are a guy and you are interested in a girl, be a man and take the risk.
There comes a point in every budding relationship when it's fairly clear that there is mutual interest. This is the playoffs of the prelationship. Guys, you need to step up. Don't be the passive guy and let the girl run away thinking you're not interested. Weight the cost. Take the risk. Yes, you're not 100% sure if she likes you or not, but if you think its worth the potential loss, take the risk. Do the most loving thing and don't make her have to put herself out there like that. Stop being scared. Do the right thing. Take the risk.
And if she doesn't like you, move on. Listen to some emo, then dust yourself off. Recalibrate your friendar. See if you are experiencing the nice-girl effect (If that is the case, see above) or if you are in the crabgrass field of the friend-zone (If this is the case, consult a professional).
2. If you're going to tell anyone anything significantly dramatic, do it in the rain.
I don't know why we haven't suggested this before, but it's true. The rain adds the perfect amount of dramatic effect. It's like instant emotion, just add water.
Want to confess your secret admiration of years and want it to have the largest impact? Check the weather. It's looking cloudy with a chance of romance. Or need to tell your boss you're quitting? go to www.accuweather.com/i_am_AMAZING.html/definitely
It can also be used to propose to someone, tell someone you're pregnant, ask someone if they want to go to the store, etc. It's pretty much limitless. I'm actually writing this post in the rain right now. Do you hear that? That's my pulitzer prize for journalism calling.
3. Do not be friends with Kate Hudson.
She's a jerk. For real.
If there are any questions, comment below. You're welcome.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Naysayers



People have been giving Belichick a lot of flack for his recent draft strategies. There have been complaints that he's making too many trades and didn't address the team's biggest concern: a legitimate pass rusher. Now I agree that some of his recent moves are highly suspect and are cause for concern. But I don't think we should be so quick to condemn him when we make the exact same choices in our own lives. What am I talking about? Let me explain with the help of CVS (Customer Value Store).

1. Extra bucks for more extra bucks

Now if you're a CVS fan like we are, then you must be aware of the CVS extra buck program. Basically, CVS has weekly sale items where you can obtain additional cash (extra bucks) that can only be spent at CVS. Now if you're thrifty like us, you never want to spend extra bucks without getting more extra bucks back. Why? Because it feels like we're not getting a good deal unless we get more bucks back. If we spent our extra bucks on items at retail price, it feels like we've been punched in the stomach. Starting to sound familiar? This is the same reason Belichick trades his draft picks for more future draft picks!

2. Buying things for value, instead of for need

There are times when you walk into CVS knowing exactly what you need. But then you walk by that one particular sale: buy 2 tostitos, get 2 tostitos free. You can't justify buying 4 bags of tostitos. 1) It's only May, the Super Bowl isn't even close. 2) Your pregnant wife doesn't have any cravings, wait, you don't even have a wife. But then you notice a small coupon next to the sale: buy 4 tostitos and get 2 free salsas. It's all over, you forgot why you came into the store in the first place and jump on this deal. You spend all your hard earned dough on the items with the best value. Starting to sound familiar? This is the same reason Belichick always picks for value instead of need!

So there, running a football team is just like shopping at CVS. We should leave Belichick alone.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Popular. You're gonna be popuuular.



I have looked through my life and figured out all the missteps I took in life that made me unpopular. I boiled them down to three practical steps from each stage of my life. I plan to change the direction of my popularity trajectory ASAP, but I figured I would share with you all so we can all be popular together.

1. Own a Tamagotchi or Furby
  • When I was young all the cool kids had Tamagotchis. I would look at all my classmates play with theirs at recess and I would just play with my pet rock, but it was a bootleg from Canal St. Maybe I should change this title because I did have one, but at that point I was way too old and Furbies were the cool thing to have. So get either or both.
2. Go hang out with one college student.
  • I don't know what it was, but all the cool kids in high school would hang out with one person who came back from college, usually a guy. He'd always talk about how much better life was and how cool he was at college. He'd always have this great story about waking up at 1pm and rolling out of bed in sweatpants and going to class and coming back to play videogames until 4am, which is when he would go to Denny's to get a grandslam. So cool.
3. Popped collars
  • In college, all the really cool kids did this. It was like a status symbol.

    "What's that? a T-shirt?! Where's the collar? Must be a lame-o."

    Put on a polo with a popped collar and it all changes .

    "Who's that guy? He's cool. I don't know what it is about him, but I think he'd make a great boyfriend/bro."
Done deal. Instant cool.The more popped collars the better too. It was like a status symbol. Nay, a badge of honor.
So there you have it. Next time I see you, I expect to see you with an electronic pet making e-poop, a college student talking about how awesome he is and you getting heat stroke from an overdose of popped collars.

Follow these rules you'll be popular. Just not quite as popular as meeeee.

Monday, May 2, 2011

problem solvers



As men, we really love to solve problems. As humorists, we really love to come up with absurdly simple solutions to extremely complex issues. Today, we will be marrying both of those personas, by the power vested in us by the internet.

(Problem: Solution)

1. Too much cyber-crime: Unplug the internet
2. High illiteracy rate: Burn all the books
3. Rampant obesity: Liposuction for all
4. Low standardized test scores: Grade on a curve
5. Cost of gas is too high: Increase everyone's pay
6. National debt is too high: Refinance or sell our unused gold 4 cash
7. Taxes are too high: Lower taxes
8. There aren't enough firemen in my neighborhood: Raise taxes
9. All the jobs are going overseas: Move overseas
10. Blogs aren't funny anymore: Yes they are

This post was inspired by Charles Dickens who's words will never leave me, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, if there was a problem, yo I'll solve it."