Thursday, March 31, 2011

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Don't be a victim. Get educated.

People have been lazy for generations and while there are many different factors, none is more notorious than sweatpants. Studies have shown that sweatpants are the #1 contributor in 6-12 categories of laziness, including but not limited to: procrastinating, dawdling, and lollygagging.

This is because during the construction of the garments, a very scientific chemical reaction occurs and the chemicals produced have an adverse effect on humans. The chemicals mix with human sweat and form a gas. That gas enters into the body through the butt, like a reverse-fart, except it's not funny. It's dangerous, here's how much:

Exhibit A:

Look at James Van derBeek. James used to be a budding hollywood actor with a very promising career. But once his TV show ended, he was never seen. Why? He was working hard auditioning for new roles until one day he put on sweatpants and decided to skip his search for one day. He skipped the next day too and decided to buy an iPod so he could psyche himself for his auditions. The third day he bought a pair of Uggs and that's when he really let himself go. One of my cohorts who used to work with him tried to reach out to him, but to no avail. This picture was taken right before he stopped at Auntie Annie's for a Pretzel Dog and Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel Nuggets. This was the third breakfast out of five that day.

Exhibit B:

See this man? Sure he looks like he's just relaxing. But this picture was taken right after he walked up one flight of stairs. Physically exhausted, he needed a rest. His manager and mother took the picture to show him how he needed help. I'm happy to say that his story ends well. This man quit his sweatpants addiction and became the phenom we all know as Usher. OMG.

You've been warned, America.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

super size mike

With our most loyal blog reader Mikey back from his overseas trip, there was speculation whether he gained any weight. Calvin and I were thinking of funny ways for him to know if he's gotten heavier without the use of a scale.

- His car tires burst when he gets into the car
- Shirt buttons break in half when he inhales
- It takes 2 weeks for gas to surface
- The flight home was just turning around
- He has to take baths at Sea World
- He cries hoisin sauce.

Welcome back Mikey, we hope you realize that the octopus card wasn't made of octopus.

Monday, March 28, 2011

save points

Sometimes I dream that my life would be like an RPG (role playing game). If I could see that I was leveling up, I'd probably spend more time reading, studying, or causing squirrels to faint. But I think it'd be cool if there were save points in real life. For those who aren't familiar with RPGs, basically at a save point, you save all your progress so far in a game. If you happen to die anytime after that, you revert back to the last place you've saved. Now let's think about this for a moment...

...

...

...

...sorry I dozed off (and regained all my health!). Imagine what you could do with save points. Let's say you have a test the next day and save before you walk to class. You get all the questions wrong. But that's okay, you saved before the test. Just accidentally fall off a cliff and voila! You end up outside your classroom door and you remember all the questions! You can ace it! (If you forget the questions, you can just repeat the process until you get the grade you want.)

Or how about you're stuck in traffic going to a job interview and you see an alternate route with no traffic that was an exit earlier? Accidentally drive off a cliff and poof! Assuming you saved before you left for the interview, you're back in the car and you can take that earlier exit and be there on time for the interview! (Afraid of how the interview will go? Just save beforehand!)

Or how about saving right before you enter a DTR? It didn't turn out the way you wanted? That's okay, just lose a fight with a tough guy named Cliff and tada! Now you can run away from the conversation while preserving the friendship!

Yes, the save point would be great. Some people may argue that we would lose all our memories that occur after the last time we save, but for the sake of this post, that is not true at all! Readers, what are your thoughts on the save points in real life? (If you didn't like this post, I will probably reset.)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Free Dez!

This past Wednesday Dez Bryant, a wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, was kicked out of a mall in Dallas. Not for stealing. Not for breaking goods. So what was he kicked out for? Baggy pants. Yes, my friends, he was kicked out because he had baggy pants. I mean yes, perhaps a fashion faux pas, but hardly an offense to get one kicked out of a mall. Ok granted he made a profane commotion when asked to lift up his pants and he has a track record of issues in that mall, but still, I don't think he should've been kicked out. Yes, he's showing some butt, but no one is stopping all those teenage girls from doing the same thing. Caught you, mall cop! At least Dez is spending money! He's paying for his Supermoon!


They had to have been specifically keeping an eye on him. You know why? The mall cops never kick out those teenagers who do all the annoying things that make the mall worse than it already is. Yet in walks Dez Bryant and it's an ABP on Mr. Saggy-Butt-Pants. I mean I used to work at the mall on weekends and something that would always bug me was the number of kids who would come into my store and play with the stuff there and take pictures of themselves and yell across the store. I was blown away by their general lack of courtesy. Very often we would have to call security and they would be kicked out of our store. But nothing would ever change. Friday 5pm would usher in teen girl squad and the Bieberites. Get a job! Join a club! Something!

Today is Friday. If you're looking for proof, go to the mall and observe teenage human behavior and you will see what I'm talking about. Without a doubt you will see it is clear that Dez was a victim: a rich and famous victim or being barred from his favorite place to spend exorbitant amounts of money. What is America coming to? Won't someone think of the celebrities?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

What's in a name? Part 2: Better than Ezra

Ok Round two. Round one was yesterday, just in case you missed it, which is likely because you were too busy. Go back and find it. Now. Right now, then come back. I can wait. Ok, welcome back.

N - Nebuchadnezzar
Good luck spelling this name correctly.

O - Orpah
People will think you misspelled Oprah, when it was, in fact, the other way around.)

P - Pharisee
They might grow up to be a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but they're gonna be a bummer to hang with on Sundays.

Q - Quartus
Yes, 4 people named like this would make a Gallonus.

R - Rehoboam
Another bad king. You don't want them to go to rehob. Pun.

S - Satan
Come on now, do we really need to explain this? I guess if HE likes double hockey sticks.

T - Timon
One of the first deacons, but may be mistaken for a Meerkat.

U - Uz
He will get called the Wizard of Uz or Mr. potato chips (Utz)...fine it's a stretch.

V - Vashni
Your kid will always have vashed knees. Pun...Ok C'mon this is pretty hard.

W - Whatever you come up with your own names...judgin' me.

X - Xena
We couldn't find a Biblical name that started with X.

Y - Yosiahu
Josiah in Hebrew, but I'm Chinese.

Z - Zacchaeus
He probably won't be taking his talents to South Beach.

So ... that's it ... so, what's new with you? ... Forget it, I'm outta here. Never gonna post again...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What's in a name? Part 1

My parents named me after a Biblical character. Calvin's parents named him after a cartoon character. For all you expectant parents out there, here's a guide to a list of Biblical names that you should probably avoid giving to your child. We decided to pick one name for each letter of the alphabet, because all baby name books are ordered alphabetically. We'll start off with A through M today.

A - Abimelech
This guy got clowned twice by a father-son duo. Your child won't be able to marry someone without getting cursed.

B - Baal
Naming your child after a pagan god probably won't work out...unless he's Christian.

C - Christ
I'm pretty sure your child will not live up to the expectations of the name.

D - Dorcas
We probably don't need to explain this, Malorkus.

E - Elimelech
Your child would get struck down by God if he tries to leave the country.

F - Festus
Meet the Addams Family, Uncle Festus.

G - Goliath
He's going to get beaten up by little kids when he grows up.

H - Ham
Just asking for fat jokes.

I - Ir
Your child would hear people say "err" so much that he'd think everyone was talking to him.

J - Judas
You're basically telling your kid that you want him to be a church treasurer when he grows up.

K - Kenan
If we're going by careers, I guess it could be worse, you could name your kid Kel

L - Lazarus
People won't know whether to bury him or not when he dies. Also a terribly difficult name for chinese grandparents to say "razalus-ah"

M - Manasseh
This was one bad king dude, and it's basically a combination of man and Vanessa. (There's nothing wrong with the name Vanessa, I just wouldn't call my son that.)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Cold and Lone-wii

As I gaze around my room, I noticed a dusty white box sitting on my dresser. It wasn't always ignored though. No, it was once a friend who'd make my laugh and smile and was the life of every party. Now it is just a box. The electrons sit idle and unmoved in the batteries. The band's broken up over lack of creative anything. The Fit has gotten fat. Friends, I am talking about my Nintendo Wii. O how I lament:

O Link! You never met the end of his journey. Zelda is still lost and evil is left undefeated. You will never experience the sweet taste of victory, just the feeling of a failed quest that you should have never embarked.

O Mii's! You will never see the light of day again. Wou were once revered and loved, groomed and managed to sort of look like actual people. Now you are nothing more than kilobytes on the memory of hard drive limbo.

O Mario! How lonely you must feel. No princesses will be saved and no races will be won. "It'sa me, Mario!" you exclaims to deaf ears. We know who you are, Mario, we know but we can hear the desperate plea for attention in your voice. But alas, no one will save you from your great white dungeon.

Indeed friends, this is a sad time for the Wii. The once slam-dunk champion of the video game world has now become Harold Miner. The hype is dead and it has now been eclipsed by systems with features like HD graphics and games with actual plots.

I feel guilty leaving my friend cold and lonely unused and unloved. It was good to me. It comforted me when I was in need. It's flickering glow helped my fall asleep at night. But times change and game consoles don't.

Sometimes it makes me sad, though... my Wii being unused. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to fly. Their feathers are just too dull. And when they are caged, the part of you that knows it was a sin to love them so much does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're not a Playstation 3. I guess I just miss my friend. And by my friend I mean, having fun with video games.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Friday

While enjoying your book outside you should be careful of a few things.
  1. Not putting Boobie in. - Y'all wanna win? Put Boobie in.
  2. Playing with people's money - It's like playing with their emotions.
  3. Hockey players - Two minutes for slashing.
  4. Chinese restaurants - Especially the fortune cookies.
-Your friendly neighborhood blogger-man

Friday

It's Friday, go outside and read a book instead!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

living the dream

When I was a kid I had a dream that my mutant power was making any food appear by simply thinking about it. I'd try but it never happened so I just made that magical food and thus my addiction to ramen noodles was formed, but that's a story for another time; that was then, this is now. And now I can realize my dream with the help of our frenemy, technology. All that is necessary is some keystrokes and some mouse clicks and boom food appears. For instance, did you know you can order food from Amazon? It's true.
Bask in this newfound glory, humanity. Recognize that we stand at a moment in history that was unimaginable just a few decades ago. The moment where we could sit in front of a glowing rectangle and eat to our hearts content. It's a celebration of life!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Daylight Saving

Do you ever wonder what happens to the extra hour we lose in daylight saving? Some experts may say that we're just repaying the extra hour we took last year. Others say we are paying the hour now, so that later in the year we can regain it. I, on the other hand, believe the lost hour goes somewhere, probably somewhere nice like the Bahamas or somewhere meaningful like a high-interest savings account at Bank of America, because everyone knows time is money.

I heard a lot of complaining about daylight saving this past Sunday. "I didn't get enough sleep", "My circadian rhythm is off", "my crops won't grow", etc. I've heard them all. So I'd like to make a proposal! How about we never ever spring forward? Instead, we just fall back one hour 6 times a year for 4 years. Then we can get rid of the leap year, because no one is born on February 29th anymore these days. Some of you may complain that by following this proposal, it'll be pitch black at noon time and extremely bright at midnight during certain parts of year. My response to that is: how come you don't complain when winter is in July in Australia? Exactly. Others may complain that animals like the owls or places like Indiana will get confused because they don't follow daylight saving. Well, perhaps this proposal will finally get them to join the "cool people" bandwagon, because everyone will be doing it. If we follow my proposal, we will take a step forward--err..backward in the progress of humanity (and owl-manity).

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

SImple Plan of the Year: My Chemical Boys Like Girls at the Disco!

Last night on the Mass Pike I thought to myself:
"Am I too old for emo?"
Many times I've pondered this, reflecting on the days of my youth and songs about hating all girls and parents. I sort of miss them. The songs were so catchy, but it's hard for Dashboard lyrics, for instance, to seem relevant to my life when I'm about to be married and in grad school. I mean if someone's hair is everywhere, I'd just vacuum it up; not a big deal.

I think I've resolved that I'm just too old. Can you imagine me showing up to your party with my "Something Corporate" T-Shirt, wristbands and studded belt? I'm not sure we'd be friends nevermind invited to anymore events. How do the All-American Rejects do it? So old, yet so emo. I must lack the genetic makeup. Welcome to my life.

I guess it's best that I listen privately, hiding my love of angst and eyeliner from this cruel world. No, cruel world, you will never hear tear-filled lyrics, but if I'm wearing a pair of headphones and you see a single black tear spill out of my eye, you'll know what I'm doing.

Agreement Reached!



Calvin and I have finally agreed on a new collective bargaining agreement. After watching Fight Club, we realized that Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are both very attractive men. I unlocked the door this morning, Calvin will be able to post again.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Lockout

The collective bargaining agreement between Calvin and I recently expired because I decided to opt out this morning. Until we figure out a new agreement, Calvin will not be able to post at FHS.

It all started when we fought over how much each of us would get from our advertisement sales. Calvin demanded a 50-50 split, but I preferred to take the entire penny and give Calvin the magic beans that I found in my pocket (which in actuality were just regular beans).

After that, we started arguing about how many posts we would write in a week. Calvin wanted to keep it at 5 posts a week, but I demanded that he write 10 posts a week in order to generate more laughter. Unfortunately, Calvin believes that too much laughter may cause more stomach injuries amongst our readers. Clearly, he's thinking too much about the readers and not about our revenue. I, on the other hand, believe laughter will generate more laughter, which would then force people to stay on our site longer because they are unable to close the browser, thus increasing our ad sales (possibly by up to .1%).

Lastly, we argued over who was more attractive: Brad Pitt or Edward Norton. We debated all night and couldn't come to a firm conclusion. Since we didn't make a new deal by the negotiation deadline, I have decided to lock Calvin out. Good luck trying to find the key.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Pretty sure no one is gonna get this but ....

my favorite part of the new ipad 2 is the new chipset! chipset! chipset! what! oww!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

How to seem more attractive

I know that some of our readers are single and ready to mingle so I figured I'd help y'all out. If you're trying to meet that special somebody here are a number of techniques that you can use to put yourself in better situations.

1. Know how to dance
If you're able to cut up some rug, people will think you are more fun and social. Right after this picture was taken, a couple male models asked for some digits. You wanna know who they didn't approach? The Gene Simmons impersonator in the background. Not because she's dressed like the KISS frontman, but because she's not dancing.

2. Smell good
The commercials are right: how you smell matters. It might not be Old Spice and it definitely isn't Axe, but what you smell like can make you seem more or less attractive. Even more so than perfume or cologne, some times the best thing you can do is smell clean. Or you could always brush with this for the win. (Thanks Emily for this tip)

3. Own a lot of jewelry.

This is a fact of nature: people are attracted to shiny things. They see your shiny bracelets they will come and talk to you, why? Because the precious metals told them to. So make sure you get plenty of ...Bangles...

Ok so, Dance skills. Check. Smells like bacon. Check. Jewelry. Check. With this criteria, here is the most attractive man in the world:






"Here's lookin at you, foo."

Lent pt. 3

Forget it, I'm giving up something else.

Lent pt. 2

This is a lot harder than I realized...

Lent

For lent, we're giving up our blog. See you in forty days.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Clearing out the notebook

Calvin gave me a notebook to write down any funny thoughts that come to my mind during the day. I'm supposed to have the book with me at all times, in case I have a case of the funnies and have no computer to blog it onto. I've decided to empty out my notebook from the past few weeks.

- My favorite book growing up was the "The Diary of Lisa Frank". It was really colorful and had a lot of killer whales on it.

- In high school, I didn't want to study for my Chinese exam. So instead, I tried to build a tower to reach the heavens in hopes of becoming fluent in Chinese.

- I think all foods can connect back to bacon. I call this the 7 degrees of separation with bacon.

- I can prove that Calvin likes poop logically.
Given. Calvin likes poop
Q.E.D

- I think I can beat Watson 1 on 1. He can't handle my crossover.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Uproar

Will there be an uproar if we don't post today? Too bad we won't find out today.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Following instructions



Growing up, I was not very good at following instructions. I felt like most did not apply to me. For instance, I'd color outside of the lines and walk on forbidden grass all the time. But growing older, I now see limits as a necessary reality of life. Needless to say I'm a changed man. I no longer color outside the lines, nor do I walk on forbidden grass (that often) anymore. But those pale in comparison to my latest triumph in keeping guidelines.

Last weekend, I went to a restaurant and when I finished my meal, I went to use their bathroom. There I found a sign beside the toilet and found myself in a predicament. When I saw it, I first thought, "I shouldn't follow this, it must be for someone else." But desiring to end my bad habit and being committed to obeying the rules, I quickly found the motivation to push aside my initial gut feeling and I'm glad I did.

Here is that picture:



Let's just say I put something(s) in the toilet and I did as I was told.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Green Plagues and Ham


We at FHS were looking at Exodus the other day and we've determined that the 10 plagues of the Bible probably wouldn't have affected us as much as it affected the Egyptians. Here's a breakdown of why it wouldn't be a problem for Calvin and I, in no particular order.

10. Death of the first born
- Apologies to both of our older sisters, but this plague has no effect on us. Calvin and I also both don't have children...yet.

9. Water to Blood
- We would make millions donating all our water to Red Cross.

8. Flies
- We never shower, so we're already used to this.

7. Frogs
- There goes our fly problem.

6. Gnats
- Some translations have it as lice. I would love to have more li-ce, especially around Chinese new year.

5. Hail
- We survived January 2011 in Boston, I think we will be fine.

4. Darkness
- It'll be like watching the end of the Sopranos on repeat.

3. Locusts
- We've both been in between a large group of children and a Costco-size box of Dunkaroos. We've lived to tell about it.

2. Boils
- Boils are like really big pimples. Calvin and I probably won't be going to the Sadie Hawkins Dance anyway, even if we didn't have the boils.

1. Death of live stock
- No more beef... This can't be happening... BOCAAAAA!!!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The meaning of life

For eons, man has been trying to answer the eternal question, "What is the meaning of life?" We here at FHS have figured it out.

According to Webster's Dictionary, life is the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.

You're welcome, universe.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I love unexpected packages

Dear FHS,

Thank you for dealing with us yesterday. We appreciate that you still consider us a worthy team to trade with and kept the negotiations civil. Unfortunately, we made a lapse in judgment yesterday. We want to send Calvin back to you. Don't worry about the 5 dollars, you can keep it. We realized it wasn't in our best interest to have Calvin in the Sacramento Kings organization. He doesn't even help our basketball team. He can't even recognize a basketball, let alone play backup point guard. When he arrived, he requested that his locker be next to Wayne Gretzky. During the day, all Calvin does is talk about missing the blog and the good old days (he kept going back to December, when ideas flowed like wine). We couldn't tell which was worse, the constant howling due to separation anxiety or the everlasting flatulence also due to separation anxiety (who are we kidding, it's the flatulence hands downs.)

We bought him out of his contract, so he's free to re-sign with you. We've enclosed him in the accompanying box, please open immediately because the Post Office wouldn't let us put in airholes. Good luck.

sincerely,
The Maloof Brothers - owners of the Sacramento Kings