What I learned during blogtober

so now that we're in the last day of blogtober i think it'd be nice to just recap what we've learned about ourselves and our world.

with 31 days of blogging, we've accomplished nothing. Not even a full 31 days ... we have like ... 5 posts. maybe we made some of you chuckle. so failure in blogging is like failure in politics. when the dust settles everyone just feels bad. we thought it was a good idea, but life, as usual, got in the way, but i digress. most importantly what did we learn?

• we learned how we can compare everything we learned to politics
• we learned how to avoid answering a question, just like real politicians
  
• we learned we can vote however we like.
• we learned that we only care about our readers every four years
  
• we learned that pedroia and machop are the same
• we learned that some of you like asking questions
• we learned that some of you stopped reading our blog
  
• we learned that some of you think mary jane watson should be legalized in the US
• we learned that jared will never get a wii
• we learned that the joker got an 1793 on the SATs
• we learned that after a heated discussion, crumbling is superior to folding
• we learned the the worst job is assistant to the chairman at the bu dept of pt/at
  
• we learned that farting in public is an art and should never ever be laughed at
  
• we learned that i love talkin to myself in my head
  
• we learned that you are good at reading, yes you you are!
• we learned that november will probably be better than october.
  

Excuses

Sorry, no update at the moment, please check back later.

Excuse: It's raining, so we're suspending our blog for a few hours.

3 days away from the end.

good morning everyone.

the end is near. blogtober will soon be over. our fanbase will cry (hi mrs. lui.) . the rest of the world will rejoice and fire bullets in the the sky in celebration.

it was a roller coaster of a month. kind of like one of those little kid roller coasters that you just ride on because your little brother or cousin wants to ride on it and needs supervision. next month we will go back to our normal format of posting about whatever... kind of like this month. but perhaps we will post more often [calvin nudges jared via the internet] [jared punches calvin via voip] [dial up connection lost.]

brief interruption

No one has complained that our blog doesn't have enough pictures. So therefore as a pre-emptive strike against such complaints, I present to you some pictures.





The resemblance is uncanny. Truly separated at birth.

Tales of the Tape

Name	Dustin Pedroia	Machop
Height	5'9"	2'7"
Weight	180 lbs	43 lbs
Nickname	Caballito or "Little Pony"	Whatever you want as long it's under 10 characters
Growth unit	Age	Level
Type	2nd baseman	Fighting
Special Move	Ball Toss	Seismic Toss
Description	Short, yet powerful	Short, yet powerful
Alternate talents	Defeated Mewtwo	Played 2nd base at the Pokemon Academy
Beats on	Yankees	Clefairies and Jigglypuffs
Weaknesses	Psychic pitchers	Psychic pokemon
Strives for	Championships	Badges
Areas of growth	Batting Average, Home Runs, Defense	Evolution
If traded	Becomes mad at management	Becomes Machamp(after evolving to Machoke)
Quote	“I'm not putting pressure on myself. I'm 22 years old. I just want to be healthy, go out there and play hard and just play my game.”	"Maa..chop"

worst-er pickup line ever

Let me begin with a statement.

Flowers are pretty.

Let me continue with a more relevant statement.

Roses are pretty.

Let me officially begin with a statement relevant to our campaign.

My opponent is clearly driving the buggy of our campaign towards the supermarket of name-calling and mud-slinging, instead of towards the fishmarket of real issues. That pretentious rapscallion of an opponent believes that the only way to further his agenda is by delivering blow after blow of verbal diarrhea towards my cause. However, his plan of transforming my image into a dirty diaper must end!

I won't spend time talking about his flip-floppy tendencies, like his dual memberships to PETA and WLEMF (we love eating meat federation). I also won't discuss his inability to tell the truth. Last year he claimed to be 23, but in a recent rally this year, he stated he is 24. Well, which is it? I also won't consider bringing up his ax-cut policy. That's right, I did not misspeak, ax-cut policy. He plans on providing ax-cuts to all the middle class, thus widening the gap between the rich and the poor. It's possible that my closed captioning on my elevision doesn't print out the t's, but what I do know is, my opponent is for cutting people. I would like you to know that I am against hurting people. Ok now onto the issues:

How do you judge a bad pickup line?

I believe the correct criteria to judge that is that it's bad and that it's a pick up line. The worst pick up line I've ever heard is, "hey baby, is your name Commitment? Cause I really love you." Bad and super effective (against girl-type humans). Actually, I've never heard that one before, but I just showed how easy it is to come up with a pick up line.

Simple formula: Hey [insert pet name], is your name [insert something that isn't really her name]? Cause [reveal how your "moniker" for her is actually a clever ruse of a pun].

I think what makes a bad pick up line bad is if you take away the opportunity for the opposite gender to respond. You can't just ask a rhetorical question and expect them to fall into your arms like they just got sniped by a boy who happened to play a lot of Halo. Honestly, who likes rhetorical questions? No one likes to be forced to do anything. Thus, if you're going to use a pick up line, at least let them respond, even if it's %99.8 rejection and %.2 here's my fake number.

What can we learn from this?

Absolutely nothing.

worst pickup line ever.

picking someone up with lines is probably the world's oldest recreation behind glass eating. what my opponent won't tell you is that he is not currently and nor was her ever a pick up artist or a glass eater. How unamerican. sounds like russian trickery to me. we're no dumbkoffs, commrade, we see through your game.

i am proud to say that i am a card carrying member of the NRA (national rifle association), UGLEA (united glass and lead eaters of america), and HHBWUPUAAUSA-RI ("hey hey baby whats up" pick up artists association of the united states of america, Rhode Island Chapter)

so what does it mean to not be a part of organizations like these? and what does it mean to BE a part? let me break these down for you clearly.

my opponent will neither give a woman the honor and satisfaction of knowing that someone is trying to pick them up. how rude. attractive women need more than just silent stares, they need verbal affirmation. and they cant keep hearing the same tired lines, they need diversity! and I am a candidate for diversity. i have been trained in the ways of hollering.

you're thinking "ok i see your point," but then you may ask "is glass eating that important for a candidate?" you bet it is! you might think "why?" and i'd say "shut up with the questions already." then you'd say "how could you hear my thoughts?" then i'd say "because i put country first."

but all else aside, glass eating is important because glass is made from sand. and sand is from the beach. and life is a beach. and beaches was a movie. and movies are a form of entertainment and entertainment tonight is a tv show. and tv shows cause emotions. and emotions are from the heart. and blondie sang about her heart of what? that's right. glass. see the cyclical nature of glass eating? I knew you would. But let me get back to the point.

clearly the worlds worst pick up line is "is it hot in here or is it just you" but my opponent might say that "hey baby, i'm a scorpio.", "are your legs tired because you've been running around my head all day" or "what's your name, what's your size?"

clearly these are bad. for instance, the last line mentioned is easily diffused by another artist. here is what i president of the Rhode Island chapter or HHBWUPUAAUSA, would do.

As soon as he buys that wine I'd walk up from behind. I'd ask you what your interests are, who you were with, say some things to make you smile, ask you what numbers to dial in order to reach you at a later date and time. then I'd ask are you going be here for a while? If so, I'm going go call my friends. Why don't you go call your friends. We can rendezvous at the bar around two"

Smooth. But I digress. these are just not as bad as the pick up line I mentioned. It is pathetic when used and is not smooth. It is used to trick, not unlike my opponent. Me, I just wanna do something special for all the ladies of the world. [is that possible?]

here it is; some advice.

if you've come to a point in your friendship with a guy where you feel comfortable calling him your (guy) best friend, there's a chance he likes you. so how do you just be/stay best friends without him being interested? sorry, my friends, that's just not gonna happen on this planet. gently let him know. you're welcome.

the greatest story ever told

Disclaimer: Ignore any previous posts regarding lying and how it's bad before reading this post.

Q: If your 10 year old kid asked you "where do babies come from?", would you make up a story or tell them the truth?

Allow me to present the flipside to Calvin's arguments.

I'm allowed? Great.

Let me start off by saying that it's a lot easier to lie than to tell the truth. Why? Because the truth involves facts. And facts are hard enough to come with. Try to think of a fact about chronic pyelonephritis......exactly, you're stumped! Now think of a lie...eureka! Of course I know that chronic pyelonephritis is the disease that killed off all the dinosaurus in the mezzanine era.

Now let's think of other reasons why parents would lie to their kids in reverse backwards alphabetical order:

1) Aprotection

You might be thinking it would be protection for the kids, like you don't want them to know that "electric toothbrush" of yours is actually a nose trimmer. But it actually can provide protection for the parents themselves.

"What? The tooth fairy only gave you a penny? What a cheapskate!"

"Santa gave you a math workbook for Christmas instead of a Wii? What a nerd!"

"The piece of meat is actually frog and not chicken? Those chinese characters at Super 88 are so tricky!"

Basically, parents can use these lies to hide the fact that they are stingy, no fun, and frog eaters. Quite effective.

2) Blaziness

Parents are too lazy to explain the real thing. Kids just won't understand because they aren't mentally ready, aka stupid. Technically, if parents tell their kids everything, it will ruin the joy of discovery. And we all know that parents don't want their kids to think that they are thieves of joy.

... ... ... [html failure] ... ... ...

26) Zfear of misleading

And finally, parents don't want to mislead their kids with false truths. And plus, there's nothing worse than being mislead. Why? Hey, look over there!

So at this point hopefully you've realized that I haven't answered the question at all. So here's what I would do. Instead of giving them the truth all at once, I would tell my kids little bits of the story as they get older. The hope is that the story will somehow evolve into the truth. Remember scientific-sounding "facts" are more believeable than any other kind of "fact".

I'd start out by explaining the asexual process. "When a person decides that they love themselves very much, this person decides to split up into two and thus a baby is born!"

As they become a little older, I begin to add complexity to the story using molecular science. "When an electron and proton love each other very much, they collide, thus become neutra--I mean, and thus a baby is born!

Then, when they are of the right age (somewhere between 10 and 50), I would tell them about the birds and the bees. I would explain to them that birds and bees don't mate with each other to become a super flying animal (Beware of the mighty beebird!). From there, hopefully either TV or school will finish off the explanation for me.

Good question, keep them coming.

If your 10 year old kid asked you "where do babies come from?", would you make up a story or tell them the truth?

my ten-year old kid does not exist.

thanks for the question! NEXT!

























just kidding.

well ... actually, i guess i'm not kidding about me not having a 10 year old kid, because i dont. but i am kidding about addressing your question as such.

anyway, i think lying to your children is an parental past time. look at the ideas of a bunny that gives gifts to children to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. or a fairy that breaks into your home and steals your teeth and give you money.

even my parents got in on it! let's take a look ... here we go!

mom: [in chinese] son, you should eat scallions.

me: [in english] why?

mom: because its good for you.

me: what will it do?

mom: it will make you smart (in chinese the word for scallions is the same phonetically as the first character in the phrase meaning intelligent)

now i'm not calling my mom a liar, but i love scallions. i would eat it with many of the foods she cooked and I ordered when i was older and let's be honest. i'm really not that smart. the proof is in the pudding and this pudding [points to brain] is no proof.

so lets move to the topic of reproduction and sex.

what is the common explanation for where babies come from? that's right, the stork. i'm really not sure how the stork came into this, but if the storks were organized they'd sue humanity for slander. it's still not too late. maybe that vlassic(c) stork could lead the way. he seems pretty eloquent.

anyway, i plan on deviating from this tradition of lies!

here's what i will tell my kids.

offspring: [in english] Vater, woher kommen Babys?

me: well, you see... babies are made when a mommy and daddy love each other and ... take part in what is called ... sexual intercourse ... to show that love.

offspring: huh? i don't get it

me: um .... well... its when you have ... ummm how about some ice cream?

offspring: YEA!

me: YAAAAY!

Father. of. the. year.

talking to my kids about where babies come from and then later on in their teens, about sex ... I think i'll be able to do it, but it will probably really hard.

that's what she said.

"do you think it is uncool to wear a helmet while snowboarding? 'humpty dumpty'"

thank you faithful blog reader for asking me a question to express my opinion.

i have a huge head. this is truth. (i think most of it is skull though. i've bumped into some pretty hard things and never really gotten hurt. but that doesnt mean i can't get hurt, i just think i have a thick skull with a ever-shrinking brain. (college + lack of reading + video games + etc))

seriously, its big. my head is like 61cm in circumference. it was always hard when friends in high school made fun of it. luckily for me, my body is very proportionate to my head.

anyway, having such a large head and wearing a helmet probably makes me look like that helmet guy (schultz?) in that daffy duck cartoon where daffy fights the hitler and the nazis. or dark helmet from space balls.

despite this, i think that wearing a helmet is necessary to protect oneself from serious head and brain injury. I indeed have a helmet for snowboarding (and a helmet for bike riding). with that being said, I probably will not wear a helmet unless i plan on trying something that is a bit out of my comfort zone to make me feel at least a bit safer.

thanks again for your question.

blogtober continues.

the origin of sports

Now that the economic crisis has been solved (with the help of 700 billion dollars worth of paper money), we can go back to the important things in life: the blogtober debates.

What is the definition of sports?

I decided to look where most people don't look for answers: the Bible. But to be more specific, I went to biblegateway.com and here's what I found under sports:

Sorry. No results found for "sports" in Keyword Search.

Did you mean spiritual gifts?

I almost gave up, but then I did what most mute snakes like to do, I took out the 's'. Here's what I found:

1. Genesis 39:14
she called her household servants. 'Look,' she said to them, 'this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed.

2. Genesis 39:17
Then she told him this story: 'That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me.

3. Psalm 69:11
when I put on sackcloth, people make sport of me.

So there you have it, the earliest (and therefore, most correct) definition of sports is amorous dalliance.

[short intermission to allow dictionary.com to load]

And apparently sackclothes were the rage. If I owned a set of sackclothes, I would put a giant Z on it. Why? Cause I'm bringing sack-Z back.

The end.

smear campaign

Jared wanted to delay the debate so that we could go back and work on our economic crisis (not having enough money to buy a small island) I showed up to the forum and spoke anyway because im a maverick. In brighter news, Jared had acquired enough money for a small island, but spent it all on his addiction to Fabergé eggs.

He's in a 12-step program. Here are the steps.

1. wake up
2. go pee
3. brush his teeth
4. put in his contacts
5. shave mustache
6. put on lululemon spandex pants
7. do 45 min of pilates
8. take a shower
9. take off lulu lemon spandex pants
10. eat breakfast
11. shave mustache
12. head to work

so there you have it. the truth. unedited. unfiltered. uncensored. maverick. jared will be posting soon.

definition of sports

this debate (what is the definition of a sport?) has lasted probably a trillion years. the velociraptor would argue with the tyrannosaurus rex about whether eating a stegosaurus was a sport. it went something like this.

T-Rex: "ROAAAARRRRRRRR"

Raptor: "ROAR. EEEEEEEE"

T: "ROARRRRRRRRRRR"

R: "EEEEEEEEE ROAR!"

T: "ROAAAAARRRRRRRRR"

R: "Good point."

They would argue and argue until they realized what they really wanted was to eat each other.

But I digress. a sport is anything you have fun doing. its very plain and simple.

here are some "real" "responses" that "i" "have" given"."

"oh you like to play basketball? well then sir you are playing a sport."
"what? you enjoy running marathons? you my friend are sporting it up"
"you think giving yourself a time limit to finish pooping is fun? sport!"

makes sense to me. but, some might ask,

"so you're saying if you don't like tennis, that makes it universally not a sport?"

then i'd say

"i think the example you just cited...that's paramount. that's a heck of a lot more than most bloggers... and let me just say i'm also known as the maverick, taking shots from my readers...i'm just trying to get people understand my definition of sports"

then some might say

"i'm gonna ask you one last time, not to belabor the point. if you don't like tennis, does that make it universally not a sport?"

then i'd say,

"i'll try to find and answer and bring em to ya!"