Breaking the rule of three: Cricket

As many of you know, we at FHS follow the sacred humor code of Hammurabi. One of the laws is something we call "The Rule of Three".

For an explanation of the Rule of Three, see the following excerpt for our book that still haven't been published or fully written yet:

In social settings, many humorists shoot off comments that are pertinent to the situation everyone is experiencing. If there are a number of them, they will most likely add to comments made, or what we'll call extensions.

For example, someone in the group has bad breath. Humorist 1 says, "whoa what did you eat, a poop sandwich?" Folks may laugh. Humorist 2 says, "No, it smells more like a poop omlette." Folks continue to laugh. Humorist 3 now has a decision to make. Does he a.) make an additional comment or does he b.) let his genius comment go?

The predicament that our joking friend has is a perfect example of the Rule of Three in action.

Anyway, occasionally we break the rule for humor's sake, so we're going to try to start a series of conversations that involve us breaking the rule.

jared: http://www.espncricinfo.com/pakistan/content/current/story/539063.html
calvin: i wonder what crotch got
jared: i think Butt couldn't keep up with the team
he was a little behind
calvin: he stunk
jared: at least they got to the bottom of this
calvin: he was the biggest hole in the team's productivity

Progress.

A look into human history will display the lengths and depths that man will go to innovate.  We have invented countless technologies that have made the world more accessible and life more enjoyable.  Yet with all our advanced technology, no one has been able to create a recipe for Honey Bunches of Oats that doesn't get soggy in milk.  Progress? I think not.

new opening

With Red Sox manager Terry Francona reportedly out of a job and Friendly's ice cream planning to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, we started to hear things in the rumor mill here at FHS (it's actually a mill). We heard through the grapevine that Friendly's is currently in negotiations to hire Tito as the new manager of the Friendly's restaurant chain. Here's how we think he'll make an impact:

- He'll move the franchise to either Chicago, Houston, St. Louis, or to South Beach.
- He'll rename the Fribble to the Ribbie.
- He'll ban the forbidden chocolate off the menu
- He'll change the clown sundae to the Manny sundae with twizzlers as dreads
- He'll re-brand the Happy Ending Sundae as the Unhappy Ending Sundae or Sundae 162, for short.
- He'll remake the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt so that it's leaner and more conditioned.
- He'll change policy so that staff members won't eat dinner with each other, but will have each others back.

Good luck Tito, may you lead Friendly's to another championship and end the Curse of the Brighams.

scapegoats

Step aside, Steve Bartman. We know it wasn't your fault that the Cubs lost that playoff series in 2003. It's ridiculous that people still blame your interfering with the foul ball as the sole reason the Curse of the Billy Goat continues to this day. Let's not forget that it was only Game 6 (Cubs up 3-2), and there still plenty of opportunities for the Cubs to stop the Marlins from winning that game. Anyways, that's besides the point, Bartman, you're vindicated. Tonight, we have found a new scapegoat for a baseball team's epic collapse, specifically the 2011 Red Sox. I'd like to present to you the 2011 version of Steve Bartman: the rain.



Yes folks, it was the rain's fault that the Red Sox did not make the playoffs this year. I'm not talking about a South Korean pop star, I'm talking about drip-drop rain. Don't believe me? Let me explain. Right before the rain delay started, the Red Sox were up 3-2 and the Rays were down 7-0. All seemed calm and well, the Red Sox are going to crawl backwards with no arms into the playoffs, but at least they will make it. Things couldn't be better. But then in a sudden twist of fate, the shy, yet cute low pressure clouds in the Washington DC area decided to DTR with the popular, yet accepting high pressure clouds, and next thing you knew, bamm, relationship--I mean rain. And after that delay, things started to fall apart. Red Sox blew their lead in the 9th and a few minutes later, the Rays stamped their ticket to the playoffs with a game-winning home run.

So what do we do now as Red Sox fans? We crucify rain! The next time you feel drops coming from the sky, I want everyone start capturing rain water in jars or any container you can find. Then go home and boil the rain water until it disappears off the face of the earth. That ought to send a message to the clouds in the sky to not mess with Red Sox Nation. And I don't want to hear any scientific mumbo-jumbo about the water cycle, we have to strike quickly and not think rationally. We should also tell the rain to go away and never come back. Ever.

Red Sox Nation, remember it wasn't the player's poor play, lack of consistent offense, awful starting pitching, a bullpen that can't hold a lead, overpaid outfielders, a 2-10 start, a 20 loss September, bad managing, or a complacent front office's fault for this epic collapse, it was our aqueous enemy, the rain!

Flashers

No it's not what you're thinking sicko! I'm talking about cars here!
Sometimes it seems like people flash their highbeam at you for no reason! And you think to yourself - do I know that person? Are my highbeams on? Should I chase them and ask them why they just highbeamed me?

It could be all of the above (I wouldn't recommend chasing them down though) or next time you should slow down, because it could mean that there's a cop up ahead. It actually saved me a few times, probably because I'm so confused and trying to think about what I did wrong that I inadvertently slowed down. Hey whatever works right?!

But here lies the problem... I like it when people do this for me, but I don't want to do it for others. I know I should probably extend the same courtesy to others, but I really can't do it! When someone flies past me, in my head I'm actually hoping there's a cop up ahead. You know why? Because I actually enjoy watching people get pulled over..... as long as it's not me!

The importance of punctuation.

Today's post will show the importance of including commas, semicolons, and hyphens in everyday writing.

Exhibit A:
What they meant: "Let's attack, Calvin."
What they wrote: "Let's attack Calvin."

Without the comma, our game of Halo went from cooperative fun to cold-blooded betrayal. This is why we should just get an Xbox headset instead of gameplanning on AIM.

Exhibit B:
What they meant: "The following people are promoted: Auyeung, Mike; Ortiz, David."
What they wrote: "The following people are promoted: Auyeung, Mike, Ortiz, David."

Since his boss didn't use a semicolon, Mikey thought his 4 colleagues: Auyeung Lee, Mike Chan, Ortiz Rasputin, and David Pedroia got the promotion he had worked so hard for. By the time Mikey realized he got the promotion, his boss's toupee had already been vacuumed off his head.

Exhibit C:
What they meant: "Steve Jobs re-signs as Apple CEO."
What they wrote: "Steve Jobs resigns as Apple CEO."

By forgetting the hyphen, now everyone thinks Steve Jobs is leaving his position at Apple. In actuality, he has re-signed with his company for 8 years, 120 million dollars. Hopefully, Chris Johnson doesn't demand to be paid like a top CEO.

Water Country! Water Country! Water Country!

Have some fun! Seriously if you've been in Boston for more than one summer you should know this song by heart. They play it all the time on the radio and on TV.

For those of you not from Boston, I don't think they've changed their TV commercial in over 10 years. Because for as long as I've been in Boston that's the commercial I remember. The video quality is grainy and outdated. The kids in the video are now in their 30's and bringing their kids to the park.

and what about the theme song? Why is it so catchy? I just have to sing along out loud no matter where I am. I just can't help it and I hope they never change it!

you know what the funny thing is... as much as I like the song and you would think I'd be there every summer, but I have never been to Water Country. So thank you Water Country not for a very cool spot, or a place to feel and be young, but for a very very catchy and timeless jingle.

The Plan

I've been thinking about something. Anyway.

You ever notice that people just sort of show up into the internet-celebridom? Random people get a buzz and all of a sudden they're famous for really doing nothing, besides having a particular body type (Kim Kardashian), being rich (Paris Hilton), or doing something less kid-friendly (Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton). They just kind of showed up and were instantly famous.

This sparked a thought in my mind. I have a particular body type (mine), I am rich (rich in debt), and I do something that's not kid-friendly (eating vegetables).

I can become an internet celebrity too!

So I started shooting a viral video of me eating corn when it hit me. These factors really don't matter! Why? Because there is one thing that unites all famous people on the internet. Quickly, I put my corn down and turned off my camera.

You probably think the x-factor is number of hits on a website, weblog, or facebook page. WRONG! Realistically regular Joe Schmoes like us can get heavy traffic too. (Thanks, mom!) No, the thing that all celebrities have is this: more followers than followees. Check facebook, twitter, myspace, instagram. Every famous person has what I call the golden ratio. (I'm gonna copyright that...)

The Golden Ratio of followers to followees has to be greater than 4. That's the key to being famous. Brilliant! (If you want to check my math see below.)

So here was the plan:

• Step 1: All I need to do is get a bunch of people to follow me.
• Step 2: Bask in my own awesomeness + famousness.

But then I realized a bump in my road to famawesomousness. My ratio would still be close to equilibrium. Then it came to me like a song I wrote. I could unfollow all of my friends and that would make my ratio perfectly unbalanced. Genius.

So, I'll send you a postcard from the top and when I thank all the little people that helped me win a Webby, know that I am talking about you, my ex-friends.

test famawesomousness () {

GR=F/f

if (GR > 4) {

u = "famous celebrity";

} else if (GR <= 4) {

u = "local yokel";

}

}

A Joke.

What do you get when you mix Brandy with honey from the moon?

Mo', Mooney, mo problems.

Guess who's bizack?

Kiss the ring. #swag.

Greetings from the left coast. And now a message from our sponsors...

Planets

Calvin informed us as we were playing video games with the volume on full blast that he's going to the Moon and won't be back for a while. Pshh, out of all the places in the solar system to visit, he picks the Moon? Boring!

This made me wonder what it would be like to live on another planet in the solar system. Here are some quick thoughts of living on each planet:

Mercury - It's for those who need major tans.

Venus - Too many woman there, not for me.

Earth - Currently live there.

Mars - Too many men there, not my cup of tea.

Jupiter - If you want to gain a lot of weight quickly, this is the place for you.

Saturn - For those who love the bling.

Uranus - You never know what you'll find there.

Neptune - For cold people and Pharrell.

Pluto - Sorry, you don't make the cut.

Calvin, have fun on the Moon, bring us back some cheese and a US flag.

Marriage

Marriages are never easy. So you can understand when I was a little uneasy when I first heard about this marriage. It's hard when you bring a new person into your life - trying to get them to understand your lifestyle and thinking. We can hope that it will work out. And when it does, it's amazing! But when it doesn't, it can get ugly real quick..

so here's my toast to you: Best of Luck to you....













New England Patriots! I hope it all works out with Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco!

Uh Oh!

Things you never want a hole in:

- your pants
- your raft/boat/ship
- your tooth

yup I woke up to find some sort of hole/chip on the side of my maxillary first molar. Now I have to go to the dentist. Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled my appointment from a few months ago...

but then again.. now I can get my grillz for real!!

Shallow Thoughts

This is not as deep as Calvin's thoughts.. but I was just at a potluck, and at the end there were two diet pepsi and two diet coke opened, all about 80% full. Why do people do that?!

Now I'm stuck with 4 diet sodas, and I have to drink them all within 48 hours before they all go flat. Look before you open a new one people!

Deep Thoughts

When I was a kid, I liked talking to random people who would come into my dad's restaurant. We'd talk for what seemed like forever, but was more likely a few minutes. Today, I tried doing the same with some young kids at the park. They must have been deep introverts because they ran away from me as I approached them.

Deep Thoughts

Whenever we someone talks about fears, they talk about the acute stress response, or more commonly known as the fight-or-flight response. But what if I fear flying?

Deep Thoughts

If 30's the new 20, does that make 20 the new 10's? If so, that means I will be cutting my bowl haircut before my wedding prom.

where's calvin?

We think we lost Calvin. We think we left him either at the mall or at the zoo. Our hope was that we could easily spot him because of his attire, but unfortunately there were too many hipsters around and it was free argyle sweater day at the mall. We had no luck at the zoo either because of all the zebras roaming the area.

If anyone has info on his location, please post in our comments. We hope we find him soon, or else we'll be stuck with really bad photoshop jobs.

Team USA Strikes Back!

The Women's World Cup is surprisingly interesting this year. I still have goosebumps after watching the replay of the game tying goal against Brazil in the quarterfinals. After a win against France yesterday, the US has a date with Japan in the World Cup Finals. I haven't been this excited about women kicking balls since 1999. I actually don't know very much about the team this year, but I did some research on the Internet and here's what I came up with:

The star goalie, Hope Solo, daughter of Han Solo and Princess Leia, was named after the first movie her father starred in. Hope is actually her middle name, she has since dropped her birth name, Anew. She is the first Jedi to be named on the US Woman's National Team since Mia Hammwalker.

Forward Abby "Flying" Wambach, known for her offensive prowess, prefers using her head instead of her feet to score goals, in order to preserve her great feet. She sometimes is referred to as "Wambacca" by her teammates, especially in her wookiee season. She is best friends with Hope Solo and they spend their vacation days smuggling heroes through Imperial blockades.

The Internet is so full of reliable and useful information, who needs encyclopedias? Go USA Go!

Home Run Derby

I was actually entertained by the home run derby last night. The home run derby has always been one of my favorite all-star events. But it hasn't been as entertaining for a while. However within the last few years, it's become entertaining again. I really like how technology has become such a big part of the home run derby. Some of my favorite parts are the ball tracker chart and the super slow-mo of their swings. So why not take it to another level with the technology... wouldn't it be cool to have a video camera on the ball!? To see a ball crushed from the ball's point of view would be awesome! I'm sure with our technology now it can absolutely be done. So instead of seeing the ball fly at you, you can see this up close....

why i am doomed with acne

I have pimples on my face. There are many steps I could take to prevent them such as washing my face everyday, using Biore strips, or shedding my face. However, there are some things that are just out of my control that contribute to my occasional acne problem.

1.) I scratch my head a lot.
After a full day of running around at work and writing blog posts, my hair can get pretty oily (almost to the point where it could be used as a light gel). Frequently, putting my fingers into my hair turn them into weapons of uncleanliness against my not-so-smooth face. Since my favorite activities are thinking (putting my hands on my chin), daydreaming (putting my fist against each cheek), and pretending to be Macaulay Culkin (Ahhhhh!!!), these oils tend to distribute on my face. But I have no plans to stop scratching my head, so oh well.

2.) My friends are ridiculous.
I have friends that say very funny things. Sometimes they say ridiculously stupid things that are so bad that it's good. It's so absurd that I have no choice but to react not with words, but with a silent gesture: the face palm (or do the Gordon Ramsay eye rub). If you combine reason 1 above with the fact that I work with Calvin on the blog everyday, it should not come to any surprise that my skin is not CoverGirl material. But I have no plans to stop writing a blog with Calvin, so oh well.

I suppose I could have better skin if I shaved my head and lived on an island, but I prefer things just the way they are.

All-nighters

When I was in college, I stayed up all night quite often. It was mostly because a paper was due or a project needed to be finished up. But I often reached the point where I had to make the decision of whether to go to sleep for less than 3 hours (not a full R.E.M. cycle) or stay up the entire day and crash come nightfall. Much of this depended on if the sun was coming up. If sunlight was peeking, then it was pretty much a waste to try to sleep and if birds were chirping, forget it. This is why it is so necessary for us to blow up the sun. It won't be easy...but, who's comin' with me?

The cake is a lie

Why do Chinese people like taking pictures of cake? You'll have to excuse my broad stroke here, but it seems quite true. What is so enticing about 100 shots of a cake, followed by 50 shots of the cake cutting? Many of you know what I'm talking about. Some of you don't. Most likely because you've never been to a birthday celebration with primarily chinese people.

Not only do we take all those shots, we will post every one facebook. Give it enough time and Google+ will be flooded with gratuitous cake shots as well. Don't believe me? Here: Next time you are celebrating a birthday with your chinese friends, observe the behavior (you have to put down the camera first). Try to stop people from taking pictures of it and you will probably be killed. Seriously.

Say hi for me

Have you ever been on the phone and someone next to you says "tell them I said hi"? This is what I call the awkward "tell them I said hi", because it leads to this exchange:

Joe: Tell them I said hi.
Me: Joe says hi....
Moe: hi
Me: Moe says hi.... *awkward silence*

Although that's awkward, it's not as bad as the evil twin of awkward "tell them I said hi", I call it I'm too lazy to talk to them so you "tell them I said hi".

Here's the scenario:
You tell someone you are meeting so and so, and that someone will ask you to "tell them I said hi". I don't understand why I'm obligated to do this. If you really care, you'd go say hi yourself. And what am I supposed to do if so and so says "tell them I said I hi back"? Am I supposed to be the messenger for you? We live in a world with instant messages, text message and something called phone call (I know it's something foreign to us now); how did I become your carrier pigeon? Folks, don't fall into that trap! There is only one way to prevent this... I don't tell them you said hi. Take that, bad friend!

7/4/11

Happy independence from blogging day!

excuses over time

The evolution of excuses for not doing work:

Infant - I'm just a baby.
6th grade - The dog ate my paper.
10th grade - The power went out while I was writing my paper.
College - I had to write 3 papers for my other classes.
Adult - I was struck by lightning.

the lost art of hand raising

I love structure. If I had my way, I would demand that wars been fought in turn-based style, meaning one side could not counterattack until the other side had finished their initial strike. My desire for order has always given me the inspiration to participate in a lost ritual: raising my hand.

We now live in an age where chaos supposedly brings order. People are encouraged to speak out without a prompt in group discussions. It's basically a race to see who can speak the quickest and the loudest. I've been in too many situations where I raise my hand to chime in my comment to the discussion. Of course, the discussion leader always sneaks in their own little preamble, "You don't have to raise your hand, you can just talk...."

But I like to raise my hand, you disorderly heathen. I prefer to maintain the balance of the universe, thank you very much. Mankind has survived centuries of challenges and hardships (dinosaurs, floods, Pokemon) to preserve order, which a simple hand-raise upholds. I'm not about to blow all that progress because I want to speak before the person next to me. Don't worry, friend, we will both get our chance to talk, just get in line. Also, there's nothing worse than interrupting someone when it could have been easily avoided with a effortless lift of the arm.

As an instant-noodle society, we can't continue discussing with a speak-first, listen-never mentality. We must take the time to maintain the order our forefathers protected when they defeated the dinosaurs (by casting Comet2) in prehistoric times. There are probably some haters out there, but at least I got support from my boys and Nelly Furtado.

The Not-Really-All-That-Lazy Song

Bruno Mars is a liar. In his song, "The Lazy Song," he claims that he's not going to do anything. Really, Bruno (or should I say, Peter Gene?) How lazy is he really? Here are things he admits he will do on his "lazy" day.

1. Dougie - ok so its not the world's most difficult dance to learn, but honestly...there are lazier songs to learn.
2. p90x - ok seriously, p90x is one of the hardest workouts out there. This does not qualify for not doing anything. I don't care how strong you are. The lazier thing to do would be to pee 90 times.
3. the lazy song - he wrote a song about being lazy. there is nothing lazy about writing a song. rhyming words, writing lyrics, strumming a guitar, singing, whistling. These are all things that require work. He should just be lazy rather than singing about it.

Bruno, stick to catching grenades and leave the laziness to the real geniuses.

Honda Wave

What's up with this "Jeep wave" thing... apparently Jeep owners are supposed to wave to other Jeep owners. I think it only works because there are not a lot of jeeps on the road. I understand when motorcycles wave to each other, because motorcycles are actually cool! Can you imagine doing a "Honda wave"? You'd be waving constantly!

Guess what I started to do? Yup, other Honda drivers are probably wondering why I'm waving at them, so hopefully this catches on soon....

NFL Lockout

Since the NFL season is still up in the air we at FHS are preparing for the worst. Like many things in life, we try to look at the positive and move beyond the grim circumstances we face, like the lack of clever advertising or the catchy Monday Night Football jingles. After months of preparation, here is our list to help us/you get through the 2011-2012 NFL season, or lack thereof.

1. Watch more TV: There are plenty of new shows featuring a Kardashian or a "Real Housewife" that could keep you mindnumbingly stupid for six months.
2. Spend time with your family: Go home, go hungry, bring laundry.
3. Actually play football: As kids we dream of catching hail mary passes for game winning touchdowns or kicking super bowl winning field goals, now is the chance to see those dreams materialize.
4. Start a blog: It's a good amount of work and it'll help you get ideas down and think about things that happened from Sunday morning. All the cool kids are doing it.
5. Watch Soccer: Pssh, yea right...

Man...we better have a season....you hear that NFL? Or there will be consequences. WHO'S WITH ME!?

compulsion x materialism

Superman had Kryptonite, Metal Gear Rex had the Radome, and Bruce Willis had water, but what is my weakness? A good deal. Nothing disarms me more than a bargain. And now that there are all these groupon type buying sites, I am tempted to buy even more things that I will rarely use.

10% off of $100 purchase at Kids R Us? I might lose the weight! Buy 6 tires get one free? I might need to replace all seven of my tires! 50% off a pregnant mothers' retreat? I might get pregnant!

It has been ingrained in my from years of conditioning and it feels unnatural to fight the urge to purchase.

So how do I fight it? Go outside and enjoy summer. The sun won't tempt you to buy anything...except maybe a tan and some movie tickets.

the frosting on top

Growing up there were many snacks I enjoyed eating. Some of my favorites included: shark bites, fruit by the foot (which is actually 3 feet 1 inch, the lawsuit didn't work out.), fruit roll-ups, gushers, and more shark bites. However, nothing could beat the allure of my favorite snack of all: frosting.

Of course, as a child, my parents would prevent me from eating such items as a meal. But since I'm an adult now (at least that's what Disney World told me when I was purchasing admission), I can freely buy these items and eat them as a non-traditional meal. The odd thing is, I still haven't done it yet, and perhaps after I write this post, I will actually go through with it. But in the meanwhile, let me share my favorite frostings/creme fillings/whipped cream items growing up:

1. Cool Whip
When I was a kid, I had no idea what was in this. All I knew was that it made mediocre-tasting ice cream, cakes, and pies into delicious treats. But then it occurred to me, that by some mathematical proof, cool whip must taste amazing on its own (QED). Having a spoonful of this is like eating a spoonful of cool whip in heaven.

2. Oreo Cream Filling
My favorite thing to do with this delectable item was win the wishbone game with two oreos, then combine them into a double cream filling treat. Of course, now they have double stuf which basically mimics what I did as a child. Oh, if only I could count the hours wasted...studying the Bohr model.

3. Dunkaroos Frosting
The American pastime of snacks: dunkaroos (this isn't a sentence, so it doesn't deserve a period.)
I loved eating all but one of the little teddy graham-ish cookies with as minimal frosting possible. When I got to the last cookie, I would immerse it with all the remaining frosting. I cleaned up all the frosting from the container as if my future spouse's acne depended on it. Some day I hope to live the dream again as an adult, I just need the courage to click the purchase button.

Asian hockey players

I figured out why there are so few asian hockey players in the NHL - playoff beards.
In case you are not familiar with hockey, it is a tradition in the NHL that when your team enters the playoff, you stop shaving until you win it all or eliminated.

It's a known fact that most asians can't grow facial hair, see: example 1, and example 2
How embarrassing would it be if you were a hockey player and you can't grow any facial hair...
Look at the Bruins picture, what jumps out at you? it's not that shiny Lord Stanley's Cup... or that Andrew Ference is not looking at the camera... no! What jumps out is that our backup goalie Tuuka Rask (right side of the picture) does not have any facial hair!

That, my friends, is why most asians can't play in the NHL; well I guess I could but I can't skate backwards... or forward.

Safety Training

Hey guys,

Now that the Stanley Cup Finals are finished and summer is around the corner, we want to give you some safety tips. We made this poster make sure to put it up just in case you need to use it. Click for a full size. Be careful out there!

love,

FHS

Mortal Kombat.

By any means necessary.

down and out

We are told to not look down at the floor in life. It promotes shyness and a lack of confidence. So if you are ever preparing for an interview or walking on a tightrope over a shark-infested and trampoline-baseless Niagara Falls, I highly advise you not to tilt your head downward.

There are, however, 3 times when it's appropriate to look down in life (and I'm pretty sure no one will give you flak for it):
1) moments of silence
2) prayer
3) following someone up the stairs (I hope they didn't have beans for lunch)

I hope this advice is useful, please don't look down on me for this post.

Where's my welcome party??

*No photoshop necessary

I'm taking my talents to South.... Hamilton! One of many (2) headquarters of FHS.
And with this new gig, I was able to afford NBA Finals tickets in Dallas.

Remember when Jared said not to compare me to Chris Bosh, I'd much rather you not compare me to LeBron James however similar the situation might be...

• I was convinced to join THEIR blog, much like LeBron was convinced to join WADE's team;
  
• We formed our own big three, despite a previous big three

I assure you I will not be like LeBron, I will deliver! So keep supporting us and keep those comments coming!


Let's end with some great quotes on the so-called king...

"don't ask LeBron for a dollar, he never gives you the 4th quarter"

"my new LeBron app only vibrates, it has no ring"

and from our very own Jared: LeBron has just taken away the spot of top choker in NBA history from Latrell Sprewell.

A newborn

When two bloggers love each other very much, they make plans to add a new person to the group. Today, that dream is finally realized. For Humor's Sake is proud to announce the arrival of a new blogger. Some of you may know him as the ragin' asian or the 9 toed-bandit, but we just call him Mikey.

With the arrival of our new friend, we considered changing the name of our blog to Fun JMC or the Daily Mikeys, but we will probably leave the name alone for now.

How can you, our readers, support our newest member? The best way to support our fellow blog author is giving him a ton of comments on all his posts. Why? Well, it'd be pretty lame for him to be the only person to comment on his own posts.

And just for the record, please do not compare Mikey to Chris Bosh.

Childhood.

There are some things that stay with you as you get older. For some it's memories of books or family outings. For me it's flashes of TV clips. That probably explains why I am the way I am. Here are two videos from my youth.

This first one is a song sequence I used to see on Sesame Street. It was funky and edumacational as well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDm0PqjAF78

This second one was part of a series that I really enjoyed. I used to always wonder how they got the cup to go through the counter... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdrBPJYfTC8

do you remember them?

Saving money, but at what cost?

I love finding a good deal. I have been doing it for a long time now and one thing that I have learned is you can save on almost everything. One place that people don't realize you can save money at the grocery store. You can clip coupons and shop the weekly deals, but the guaranteed deal is the day-old section. Here's an example of a deal: a half dozen of muffins for at least 50% off. That's a delicious savings. But not all things should be bought from this section.

Example 1.
Let's say you're planning to cook dinner for your significant other and you're cruising along in the supermarket and you are scratching your head to figure out something to make. Oh, what's that? 3 lobsters for $4.99? Think harder. Yes, it is a great deal. But they're dead, thus defeating the purpose of live lobster.

Example 2.
You are in the day-old section rummaging for your weekly dose of cheese danish and scones and you see a bag of ice. You're debating should you or shouldn't you... you shouldn't. But it's only $0.99! It's also just a drippy bag. Drop it and walk away.

Example 3.
You see a durian at the store. Day old? Check. Cheap price? Check. Not moldy? Check. Don't do it. Why? Because no one should buy durian. Ever.

Time Travel

If time travel were possible, I could think of a few time periods that I would go to...

1. The Birth of Christ
- I just want to count how many wise men there were and settle that dispute once and for all, oh and if there's time, witness the birth of the Savior of the universe.

2. Garden of Eden
- I would dropkick the serpent (while it still has legs, the irony) out of the garden and Chuck Norris roundhouse kick the fruit out of Eve's hand. I'm curious to see what happens next. what happens next. (I dare you to mooooove...)

3. My parents first date
- I would tell them that if their son ever sets fire to the living room rug, that they should go easy on him. And not to name their son Marty. or Biff.

My ideal day

7 am - Wake up at the end of a REM cycle.
7:01 am - Realize that I don't need to wake up early, go back to sleep.
8 am - Dream about feeling carpet samples that don't feel like carpet.
9 am - Breakfast prepared by Gordon Ramsay.
10 am - Beat Tetris.
11 am - Watch an episode of Gilmore Girls.
12 pm - Lunch prepared by Gordon Ramsay.
1 pm - Watch entire Shawshank Redemption in 1 hour.
2 pm - Drop the kids off at the pool, without splashing. No cleanup necessary.
3 pm - Successfully singlehandedly name all 151 pokemon on sporcle.com with 10 minutes to spare.
4 pm - Teleport to Hong Kong for afternoon tea.
5 pm - Take a bite out of the world's largest Starburst square.
6 pm - Dinner prepared by Gordon Ramsay.
7 pm - Watch Celtics, Bruins, Patriots, Red Sox simultaneously win their championship games on TV. Yankees franchise goes bankrupt and moves to Abu Dhabi.
8 pm - Ice cream sandwich prepared by Gordon Ramsay.
9 pm - Rapture.

My Achilles Heel

There are many things in life that I cannot do or cannot do well, but the greatest of these is smiling. Now I don't mean regular casual smiling, but specifically smiling on command, for pictures for instance.

I've always struggled with this. Here let me show you.

This was taken fairly recently, about 2 years ago. Not too bad right? I call this the silent smirk. It's not really happy, but it's not awkward or anything. It gets worse.

This pic (stolen from FB) was taken in 2009. Same type of smile, but definitely different. Smug looking smile. Check. Squinty eyes. Check. Long and crazy hair. Check. Splotchy and kind of creeper facial hair. Check. All combined for the slightly awkward/slightly unsettling smile. Notice everyone else has a pretty good smile. Let's keep going.

This one was also taken in 2009, but highlight a different breed of bad smile. This is the goofy toothed smile. It can be spotted at bbq's, family events and proms. Notice again, the nice looking smiles to my right. Clearly a downgrade from the silent smirk, which really makes you think I'm just not that expressive. Ok the tour continues, watch your step.

Another one from 2009. Guess that was a bad year for smiling. Again the goofy toothed smile. And I had allergies so I look particularly crazy. This is a downgrade from looking like a this guy to looking like this guy.

I don't recall when this was taken specifically, but I know it was taken in high school. This is the third type of smile I have. This is the underbite. Just a bad look. It takes the goofy toothed and combines bubba. I look like bubba.

So there is a small sample of my smile history. Not pictured are the crooked smirk, the open mouthed surprised, and the crooked open mouthed smile. Perhaps you know me and have seen me in public and you're thinking that I smile all the time and it looks fine. True. When candid, I smile fine. Or you can make me laugh while taking a picture and I'll look ok. What usually comes about is the big toothy smile:

This is the closest thing I have to a decent picture smile.

Instead of trying to actually smile for pictures now, I just do this:

Now only if one of our loyal Japanese readers could send me this, I'd be all set.

The Pot Luckiest

The summer is here and that means many things to people. For some, it means going to the beach to lay out and get tanned/burned. For others it means packing away the long-sleeve button-up shirts and taking out the short-sleeved ones. But for many others it means BBQ's or potlucks.

Potlucks are for the most part a lot of fun, but there is a group of people for whom they are anything but. There is nothing that is visually distinct about this group, but the one thing that is distinct about them is their food, namely that their food gets left behind. Bad 'luckers, as we will refer them as, come in a variety of kinds. Here are some categories:

1. "I'm a bad 'lucker and I know it" - These are typically the type that will bring something pre-made from the store or drinks. Their guilt is usually deep so the overcompensate by bringing an excess. i.e. 4 bottles of coke or 2 rotisserie chickens.
2. "I'm a bad 'lucker, but I don't know it" - These are a tough breed because they will make something that they think is really good, but it is usually left off of people's plates. They might make excuses, but the reality is something is lacking from their dish. Probably presentation or good flavor. Their dish might be ham, watermelon, and wasabi shakes or durian-enfused anything.
3. "I'm a bad 'lucker, but I can make one thing" - These are the hybrids between good and bad 'luckers. They might consistently bring rice krispies treats and they're not bad, but if they try something new, you're going to need some pepto.
4. "I'm a bad 'lucker because I make such good food" - OK this breed isn't actually a bad food preparer, but their food is so good it usually makes all the rice krispies treats look like last month's milk. Everyone likes their food, but the truly bad 'luckers feel the truth even more.

Bad 'luckers will either work on their culinary abilities and become good 'luckers (#4). The worst is if they are oblivious bad 'luckers (#2) and they stay that way. So ask your friends what kind of 'lucker you are. The answer might surprise you. If you are a bad 'lucker, do not lose heart; there is hope: bring ice cream and waffle cones (#1). Everyone loves ice cream.

Poolitical Parties

We live in a time of a wide range of diverse perspectives and while many of them are hotly debated, none separates more friends and families than poop, which is a lot like politics, only better.

Excuse my being a bit crass, but it's true. Politics divide many people, but poop is the greatest polarizing topic. Some people love talking about it, some hate talking about it. There is no middle ground in regards to talking about poop. Let's prove it.

A conversation about poop begins...

"So last night I my friend told me a story about poo."

ok let's stop right here because this is where we see the greatest division. You will have two responses.

1. "That's gross/nasty/TMI" aka "Don't continue."
2. "Oh really? Tell me more/about it/what color it was." aka "Please continue."

No one will respond with an in-the-middle response like, "Oh that's interesting, but I don't feel like hearing it" or "Just give me the major highlights." As the conversation continues, group 1 will leave the room or pretend like they're not grossed out. Group 2 is probably on the floor in stitches.

Here we see the great divide in this country and perhaps across the globe. Here we find a bipartisanship that will never be able to be truly bridged. Repooblicans (those who don't like to talk about poo) and democraps (those who do) will forever stand on opposite sides of this aisle. (And if there happens to be a person who falls into the third category, we'll just call them the "brown party"). The only way to peace is for democraps to follow some simple rules for the sake of their repooblican friends. If you are of the former party, stop reading. you will hate the rest of this post.

My fellow democraps, we must show restraint around repooblicans. They do not think poo is funny, nor interesting. Here are some rules to help our opposing view friends.

1. Ask if it is ok to share your poo-story
2. Keep stories short
3. Share less frequently
4. Avoid descriptions of smell, consistency, and corn

If you follow these rules you will be reaching out with an olive branch. A dookie-covered olive branch.

Everything is in a name.

We're told that you can tell a lot from a name, but is that true? I don't think so. There are lots of examples of names that tell us really nothing about what's going on with them. Let's look at a few examples.

Yesterday, I saw someone eat sweetbreads. (not really) If you are unfamiliar, you might think someone ate some sweet flavored bread, right? Well you couldn't be any wronger. Wiki says, "Sweetbreads or ris are culinary names for the thymus (throat, gullet, or neck sweetbread) or the pancreas (heart, stomach, or belly sweetbread)." Feel mislead? Yeah, you should. Don't even get me started on head cheese.

Ok here's another example.

Yesterday I bought something from American Eagle.(not really. I guess technology does make us liars.) I thought I bought a ticket to Paris, instead I got a really nice polo that made me feel fly as Paris...Hilton. If you didn't know, American Eagle is the name of both a clothing store and an airline.

Last one if you're still with me.

When I was in middle school, I would listen to the cranberries all the time. Not the band, but these cranberries that would talk to me and tell me to burn things...

Worst Foul of Last Night's Game

Tough loss last night folks and we here at FHS fully feel that. Yes it was hard to watch the last five minutes of the 4th quarter, but you want to know the hardest part to watch? Chris Bosh's matching shirt and tie.

It hurts so much... Keep this up and he'll the Craig Sager of his generation. He needs to take his talents to a tailor or a Brooks Brothers or something...

bathroom humor

In my 3 years at work, I've observed many funny things. And for some reason, they all happened to be in the bathroom. Here's what I'm talking about:

1. I saw a guy peeing in the urinal... (Pretty normal.)
...while using his blackberry... (Uncommon, but it happens.)
...with both hands (Living the dream.)

2. There's a sticker on the urinal that says "every drop counts." It's hard to laugh and go to the bathroom at the same time.

3. A phone rings. Why does that sound so familiar? Ohh!! it's the Kim Possible ringtone....in the men's room?

4. An out of order sign appears on the toilet stall door. It says "Out of order but not out of odor" with stink marks coming out of it. Whoever put up that sign is the funniest man alive.

I guess all comic gold is inspired in the bathroom. Readers, have you ever discovered humor in the bathroom?

For Help's Sake

Here at for humor's sake our primary task is to try to be funny. Emphasis on the word "try." But sometimes we feel inspired to try to be helpful. Emphasis on the word "try." This weekend, I encountered inspiration.

Ok, so I gotta qualify this. If you're a guy and you think a girl likes you just because she's nice to you, she probably doesn't. She's just a nice girl (nice-girl effect) and she is probably just being nice and you're overthinking it. You just met her. Literally. Calm down.

However, if there is more that you are basing your assessment on (like if you knew each other all through law school and you spent a lot of time together studying torts), then continue reading.

Here are three things I learned from Something Borrowed...

1. If you are a guy and you are interested in a girl, be a man and take the risk.

There comes a point in every budding relationship when it's fairly clear that there is mutual interest. This is the playoffs of the prelationship. Guys, you need to step up. Don't be the passive guy and let the girl run away thinking you're not interested. Weight the cost. Take the risk. Yes, you're not 100% sure if she likes you or not, but if you think its worth the potential loss, take the risk. Do the most loving thing and don't make her have to put herself out there like that. Stop being scared. Do the right thing. Take the risk.

And if she doesn't like you, move on. Listen to some emo, then dust yourself off. Recalibrate your friendar. See if you are experiencing the nice-girl effect (If that is the case, see above) or if you are in the crabgrass field of the friend-zone (If this is the case, consult a professional).

2. If you're going to tell anyone anything significantly dramatic, do it in the rain.

I don't know why we haven't suggested this before, but it's true. The rain adds the perfect amount of dramatic effect. It's like instant emotion, just add water.

Want to confess your secret admiration of years and want it to have the largest impact? Check the weather. It's looking cloudy with a chance of romance. Or need to tell your boss you're quitting? go to www.accuweather.com/i_am_AMAZING.html/definitely

It can also be used to propose to someone, tell someone you're pregnant, ask someone if they want to go to the store, etc. It's pretty much limitless. I'm actually writing this post in the rain right now. Do you hear that? That's my pulitzer prize for journalism calling.

3. Do not be friends with Kate Hudson.

She's a jerk. For real.

If there are any questions, comment below. You're welcome.

Naysayers

People have been giving Belichick a lot of flack for his recent draft strategies. There have been complaints that he's making too many trades and didn't address the team's biggest concern: a legitimate pass rusher. Now I agree that some of his recent moves are highly suspect and are cause for concern. But I don't think we should be so quick to condemn him when we make the exact same choices in our own lives. What am I talking about? Let me explain with the help of CVS (Customer Value Store).

1. Extra bucks for more extra bucks

Now if you're a CVS fan like we are, then you must be aware of the CVS extra buck program. Basically, CVS has weekly sale items where you can obtain additional cash (extra bucks) that can only be spent at CVS. Now if you're thrifty like us, you never want to spend extra bucks without getting more extra bucks back. Why? Because it feels like we're not getting a good deal unless we get more bucks back. If we spent our extra bucks on items at retail price, it feels like we've been punched in the stomach. Starting to sound familiar? This is the same reason Belichick trades his draft picks for more future draft picks!

2. Buying things for value, instead of for need

There are times when you walk into CVS knowing exactly what you need. But then you walk by that one particular sale: buy 2 tostitos, get 2 tostitos free. You can't justify buying 4 bags of tostitos. 1) It's only May, the Super Bowl isn't even close. 2) Your pregnant wife doesn't have any cravings, wait, you don't even have a wife. But then you notice a small coupon next to the sale: buy 4 tostitos and get 2 free salsas. It's all over, you forgot why you came into the store in the first place and jump on this deal. You spend all your hard earned dough on the items with the best value. Starting to sound familiar? This is the same reason Belichick always picks for value instead of need!

So there, running a football team is just like shopping at CVS. We should leave Belichick alone.

Popular. You're gonna be popuuular.

I have looked through my life and figured out all the missteps I took in life that made me unpopular. I boiled them down to three practical steps from each stage of my life. I plan to change the direction of my popularity trajectory ASAP, but I figured I would share with you all so we can all be popular together.

1. Own a Tamagotchi or Furby

• When I was young all the cool kids had Tamagotchis. I would look at all my classmates play with theirs at recess and I would just play with my pet rock, but it was a bootleg from Canal St. Maybe I should change this title because I did have one, but at that point I was way too old and Furbies were the cool thing to have. So get either or both.

2. Go hang out with one college student.

• I don't know what it was, but all the cool kids in high school would hang out with one person who came back from college, usually a guy. He'd always talk about how much better life was and how cool he was at college. He'd always have this great story about waking up at 1pm and rolling out of bed in sweatpants and going to class and coming back to play videogames until 4am, which is when he would go to Denny's to get a grandslam. So cool.

3. Popped collars

• In college, all the really cool kids did this. It was like a status symbol.
  
  "What's that? a T-shirt?! Where's the collar? Must be a lame-o."
  
  Put on a polo with a popped collar and it all changes .
  
  "Who's that guy? He's cool. I don't know what it is about him, but I think he'd make a great boyfriend/bro."

Done deal. Instant cool.The more popped collars the better too. It was like a status symbol. Nay, a badge of honor.

So there you have it. Next time I see you, I expect to see you with an electronic pet making e-poop, a college student talking about how awesome he is and you getting heat stroke from an overdose of popped collars.

Follow these rules you'll be popular. Just not quite as popular as meeeee.

problem solvers

As men, we really love to solve problems. As humorists, we really love to come up with absurdly simple solutions to extremely complex issues. Today, we will be marrying both of those personas, by the power vested in us by the internet.

(Problem: Solution)

1. Too much cyber-crime: Unplug the internet

2. High illiteracy rate: Burn all the books

3. Rampant obesity: Liposuction for all

4. Low standardized test scores: Grade on a curve

5. Cost of gas is too high: Increase everyone's pay

6. National debt is too high: Refinance or sell our unused gold 4 cash

7. Taxes are too high: Lower taxes

8. There aren't enough firemen in my neighborhood: Raise taxes

9. All the jobs are going overseas: Move overseas

10. Blogs aren't funny anymore: Yes they are

This post was inspired by Charles Dickens who's words will never leave me, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, if there was a problem, yo I'll solve it."

ok had to sneak this in

So today is Jared's birthday, I dont care if this is your first time at our blog or your 10000000th. lets celebrate his birth by sharing some memories we've had involving him in the comments below. He'd do the same for you, if you wrote a blog with him!

Resolved

Upon further reflection, we at for humor's sake have decided that it's best for us to post less often in order to increase the quality of every post. With this news, we suspect there will be FAQs. We hear you.

1. I read your blog every day what does that mean for me, your reader?
   While, you will be getting less quantitatively, you will be getting more qualitatively. It allows for us to come up with better ideas to write on and you get less filler. We noticed that our readership did not like filler, so to curb that we have come to this decision.
   
   
2. Does that mean you will never post every day?
   No, that's a good question though. We will not necessarily refrain from posting on everyday, but we are creating the space to not post if we don't have anything funny to say. We want to manage our readers' expectations so they know that if they do not see a post, nothing is wrong.
   
   
3. I don't like this change, go back
   We appreciate your feedback, but that is technically not a question. We understand some of you might dislike this move very much and again we will try our hardest to come up with good material consistently, but we simply cannot, nay, should not promise that we will produce a daily post.
   
   
4. Ok, that seems fair, but I still don't like it as much. Is there a way I can help?
   I'm glad you asked. The answer is yes. The best way to help is by offering feedback, post ideas, and comments in the comments section. Very often we are inspired by our readers and take their ideas and run with them. It makes it much more interactive and it's a pretty cool feeling seeing your idea and thinking, "hey that's my idea." and not suing us.
   
   
5. Ok, I accept. So...Where do babies come from?
   I'll let Jared field this one.

Getting better with age?

I recently looked at some of my old posts and I came to a great revelation. I have some really bad posts! I mean this isn't a pity party, but some things I've written are honestly a waste of internet bandwidth.

For instance:

• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2008/10/do-you-think-it-is-uncool-to-wear.html
• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2009/10/who-is-funny.html

Pretty bad right? Arnold = governor/robot? [shakes head] I'm ashamed. Good thing some things get better with time. I've been told that like a fine whine, writing gets better as I grow older I get. So I thought, let's take a look at my more recent posts to see how I've grown. Sadly, they don't get much better.

For instance:

• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2011/02/worst-pickup-line-redux.html
• http://for-humors-sake.blogspot.com/2011/01/breaking-news-local-person-reads-blog.html

I mean really? A fake news story about someone who reads our blog? [shakes head] I'm still ashamed. Hopefully my posts will get better. Maybe we should post less so we can post when we actually have something funny to write. Or we could fast forward to when I'm 80 and I'm hilarious. Whichever is easier.

How to Not Use Technology

People are always trying to find multiple uses for things to increase productivity with reduced cost. Even Bill Belichick does it when he looks for players that can return kicks, block, and be the star quarterback...all at the same time. However, some things just aren't meant to have multiple uses, so here's a list we've come up with.

- Shoulder iPads

You can run down the sidelines, while listening to surround sound mp3 music, and score the winning touchdown all at once, but the blood in your cracked screen probably won't be covered by applecare

- Escape iPod

Sure your iPod would allow you to escape a burning spaceship and listen to Rocketman at the same time, but entering the atmosphere would make your head explode from the pressure. If not that, then your body would be burnt up to a crisp. Cookie Crisp

- Bring a Desktop to class

Yes it is more powerful and it can probably hold more mp3's but you'd look like a total doofus.

Technology is supposed to make life better, but here are some clear examples of how they make life more difficult. How else should we not use technology? Let us know in the comment section!

A socially responsible post

With the passing of Earth Day, we are all reminded that we, as a human race, are all responsible for preserving and maintaining the resources and beauty of the earth which God created. However, an overlooked resource that seems to always be wasted is our words. For some reason, people have no problems babbling about Justin Bieber or typing insensitive comments on cnn.com as if we will never run out of words. But I have news for you all: we have a finite number of words in our lifetime. Why should we waste them on useless things? I have a few daily suggestions for how we can reduce word wastage.

1. Use longer words to be more word-efficient (greater wordfficieny)

If we plan to use words to communicate anyway, why not get the most bang for our buck? I have a theory that the lengthiness of a term is directly proportional to the amount of information extracted from it. Better dust up your SAT books, because they finally have some use again.

2. Stop turning in crap when writing papers

We all do it at some point in our schooling. We're 5 pages short of the 5 page minimum, so we do the only thing we know how to do: we heap on steaming piles of words. We reiterate our points over and over again, but spread them out. We explain something in ten sentences when it can be summarized in one phrase. We totally fabricate another reason why our thesis statement can be supported. We repeat our thoughts in several locations throughout the paper. If we plan to save our words, we need to stop it as its main source: school papers.

3. Embrace awkward silences

Awkward silences are inevitable and they are usually seen as a negative thing, but we propose that they be seen as a wordfficiently useful. If we talk less, we will have less opportunities to waste our words. So next time someone sees you picking your nose, just ride the silence and eat in peace.

4. Reuse old statements

Awkward silences are inevitable and they are usually seen as a negative thing, but we propose that they be seen as a wordfficiently useful. If we talk less, we will have less opportunities to waste our words. So next time someone sees you picking your nose, just ride the silence and eat in peace.

As earth's limited resources continue to expire, we must do our part to take care of the world we've been given. Hopefully these tips have been helpful to you in the battle to save our most important resource: coal.

Easter

I gave up posting filler posts for Lent.

Happy Easter!

Have a Good Friday!

Then I see my friends.

gifts for loyalty

As some of you know, our most loyal blog reader, Mikey, celebrated his birthday yesterday. As a result, we thought it would be a great idea to raise up some funds to buy him a nice gift to commemorate his year of loyalty . So we did what we do best: fart. After our gas festival, Calvin and I thought about legitimate ways to get money and it dawned on us at the same time: start a pyramid scheme.

We looked up instructions on the internet but found they were too confusing, mostly because it contained hard-to-pronounce words like "fraud" and "the". We found pictures of pyramid schemes instead. Unfortunately, Calvin accidentally printed out the pyramid upside down, so we ended up sending 100 dollars to 10 people and told those people to send 100 dollars to 10 more people. Upon realizing our mistake, I went to print the pyramid in the correct direction. Unfortunately, because I was distracted by youtube, I printed out the food pyramid instead. We ended up mailing letters to numerous people, demanding they send us fruits and vegetables back.

We didn't want to give a fruit offering to Mike (look what happened to Cain), so we looked on the internet for more ways to get money. While we were surfing, Calvin got a facebook message from Mikey's brother himself claiming that he's stuck in Africa and needs the funds to come back to Ammerika! What a great gift-coming to the rescue of our friend's brother! So we sent him the $10,000 he requested though Western Union in honor of Mikey. Did you know he was a prince of Nigeria?

Anyway, we've spent so much money on him, but we haven't actually given him a tangible gift yet. So instead, our gift is a blog post about him because this is the best we could do until the Xbox 720 Prince Desmond promised arrives. Happy Birthday!

Inspiration

Here's an inside look at how Jared and I write posts. Often one will ask the other, "What do you want to post next?" The other will often say, "I don't know. I can't find any inspiration." And then we talk about something else for a few hours until we HAVE to post. Well I'm ashamed to say this, but we finally found inspiration.

Rock and/or Roll

Some of the world's greatest philosophers have wrestled with what the world would be like if the Bible was written in our lifetime. Indeed I too have many questions in regards to this conundrum.

WWJD? (What would Jesus do?) How would Jesus have interacted with the general public? Who would He have hung out with and who would He have rebuked? Who would He have healed?

WWJHCTBH12A? (Who would Jesus have chosen to be His Twelve Apostles?) What would the occupations of them have been? How would they have been persecuted? What kind of bread would they have broken?

These deep questions will never have concrete answers, but one question I have does and that is by far the deepest question regarding this topic: How would it have affected the band names of the era?

Let's take a look at some key examples:

Savage Garden of Eden
Nat King David
Middle East Movement
Kid Cephas
Jonah and the Blowfish
Shekelback
George Clinton and the Sanhedrin Funkadelic
The Mighty Mighty Philistones
John Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Better Than Nehemiah

These are just some of the bands, which ones have you discovered? Comment below!

Take that Michael Jordan

I'm baaaaack.

So it turns out I didn't test positive for BEDs after all. They checked my "B" and "P" sample, and it turned up negative for BEDs. It also turns out that the "steroids" I purchased from Jordan's Furniture were just an over-the-counter placebo suppository. It's good to be back doing the thing that I love most: forcing Calvin to write things for me and taking credit for it.

So I bet you must be curious what I was up to during my semi-retirement.

I missed blog writing so much that I decided to go overseas to join a European blog. Things were great in the beginning, but when the blog owners realized that the only Spanish I knew was from a Taco Bell menu, things went chalupa supreme really fast.

Next, I tried to further my rap career. I figured since I can't sing very well, rapping would be my best bet for a music career. I tried remixing all of Eminem's top hits into one song in hopes of creating the greatest rap song of all time. Instead, I ended up with the Sesame Street theme song. Let's just say it didn't sell very well (except for the age 1 through 5 demographic) and I blew all my earnings betting against the Harlem Globetrotters.

Lastly, I watched the Celtics beat the Knicks and did my laundry. Retired people still have to wear clean clothes, you know.

All Eyez On Me

It’s Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday. Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend.

I know that we all miss Jared. So I went digging through our old drafts and found a post that he started writing. It is strangely ominous considering what happened this week. Here take a look:

President Obama gave us a direct order to create more jobs. So we're creating them as fast as we can, here are some of our postings. Please apply if interested.

Job Title: Senior Blog Reader

Number of Openings: 5,000

Salary: Any money found on the ground is yours.

Description: Our blog is looking for people who can read our blog and laugh at it, preferably because the blog content is funny, not because they are being tickled.

Desired Qualities:

• Must read blog everyday
• Must comment whenever possible
• Understand Asian cultural jokes
• Sense of humor
• Likes pancakes

Who would've thought he was talking about himself. Here's another one.

Retirement is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, you're able to do all the things that you wish you could do while you're at work, but on the other hand you don't get to do the work that you've trained much of your life doing. For instance, if I wasn't working, I'd probably be blogging more. The 8-12 hours I work could be devoted to being funny, which is completely natural to me. No artificial humor injections needed. And if I ever do get caught I'm going to retire instead of dealing with the consequences.

I guess he sort of knew he was destined for greater things. Now we all know why the caged bird sings. Fly, Jared, fly up up to the sky.

Napping is great

Feeling sleepy?

One of the greatest difficulties regarding working a full-time job is having enough energy to get through the entire day. Late night conversation? That means early morning incoherence. Big lunch? Good afternoon food coma and good day to you too, itis. So what's the solution?

When I worked full-time, I was most tired in the morning and after lunch, usually for those two reasons. Everyone knows that the best way to counteract the sleepies is to take a nap, not caffeine, but where do you take a nap when you don't have a bed or a couch to sleep on? Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who has a couch in your workplace, but can you really sleep in the open and face being labeled lazy? The answer is a resounding no. So, I found the best place to sleep was the toilet.

Here's how you do it:

1. Go into the bathroom
2. Go into the toilet stall (not the urinal, gentlemen ... or ladies...)
3. Drop trou - I know, I know, it seems unnecessary, but its far less incriminating if it seems like you went in there for other business because let's face it: people can see your feet, even if it's not intentional. Just sayin'. It's like Jared always told me, "If you can't act, at least look the part." (He may or may not have ever said that, but he's retired so he can't stop me from making stories up.)
4. Set an alarm for the same ringtone that you normally use for calls. - This way if someone is in the bathroom when you wake up, it'll sound like you just got a phone call.
5. Nap. Any time is acceptable really. I personally liked 15 minutes with a snooze option.
6. Wake up
7. Make small talk with anyone in the bathroom with you
8. Try to clean up any marks on your face from the stall wall or your wrist watch. (You could also take off your watch.)
9. Walk out refreshed to your promotion and/or raise*

Try it out today. You're welcome, universe.

*Results may vary. Possible side effects may include loss of vision or termination. If nap lasts longer than four hours, consult your physician.