rondo? rondon't?

With all the trade rumors going on involving Rajon Rondo, people are probably wondering if he's going to be around next season. "No one is untradeable" according to Celtics GM Danny Ainge, so the most probable answer of 100% accuracy is "possibly maybe".



I like Rondo, and he's done a lot for our team, but there must be a reason why there are so many trade rumors surrounding him. I've outlined some trades that I think would address the shortcomings of Rondo.

Trade 1
Rajon Rondo for Frank Castle

Okay everyone knows this, Rondo can't shoot. But the Punisher can, and what a shooter he is. In case you haven't seen the movies (I haven't) or read the comics (I haven't), the Punisher is apparently really good at shooting, according to a co-blog writing source of mine.

Trade 2
Rajon Rondo for John McCain

So Rondo might be slightly young and naive. John McCain can solve that: experience is mother of all knowledge. And at 71 years old, John McCain is the poster-old man of motherly knowledge. You won't find him making impulsive purchases upon his first major paycheck or showing up late to practice.

Trade 3
Rajon Rondo for Edward Liddy

In a few years, after his rookie contract runs out, Rondo will demand max contract money. The Celtics do not think he is worth a maximum salary, so they should trade him for someone who will work for one dollar. Think of how much cap room can be saved by hiring the former AIG CEO, instead of paying Rondo.

Trade 4
Rajon Rondo for Gold (via Cash4Gold)

We might lose Rondo to free agency in the future, so why not cash in on his value at its peak? Also, gold is at its highest price ever according to Cash4Gold, so this would definitely be worth it. Now we just need a way to get Rondo into that refiner's pack.

Trade 5
Rajon Rondo for Rajon Rondo

Tautology? I think not. I've found that players exceed their expectations when they have a chip on their shoulder. All we need to do is convince Rondo that he's been traded for a mystery player, someone that is a lot better than him. Throw in a signing bonus that will only be activated if he's blindfolded on his plane ride to his "new team". Make the plane fly in circles for several hours. Meanwhile, we change our team logo and name to something similar, but different. The Boston Green People. Or the Boston Supersonics. Rondo thinks he is on a new team, might think it's strange that his entire former team is now teammates with him on the new team. (We can just tell him that Danny Ainge is really into fantasy sports now, trading entire rosters for another roster.) But thinking he's been tossed aside by his former team, he will play better. This is a bullet-proof move.

Trade 6
Rajon Rondo for Tom Brady

They say that the point guard position is very similar to the quarterback position. So why not trade our point guard for the best quarterback on the planet? Our strategy? Put Tom at the top of the key and just have Garnett and Perkins running slant routes towards the basket for easy alley-oops. If all those routes are covered, then we go with Ray Allen in the classic fade route to the corner for an easy three point field goal. With this offense, Ray Allen will easily outduel Stephen Gostkowski for most 3 point field goals in all of sports.

Trade 7
Rajon Rondo for 2 million bags of Lays Potato Chips

I know that Big Baby Glen Davis would like this trade. You might say that this is inhumane, being traded for a bag of potato chips. But actually we're talking about 2 million bags of chips! Think about it, how did we acquire Rondo? That's right, we bought his draft rights with cash (and a draft pick, thanks Jiri Welsch). The question is how did the Phoenix Suns owner spend the cash that he received for Rondo? He could have easily spent it on Lays Potato Chips. I rest my case, is it lunchtime yet?

Trade 8
Rajon Rondo for Lebron James

It wouldn't hurt to ask. We could rename our team the Boston Lebrons.