Best Case Scenario

We are taught in life to hope for the best, but plan for the worst. But why don't we ever prepare for the best-case scenario? If you think about it, the worst-case scenario is just as likely to happen as the best-case scenario (i.e. rolling a 1 vs. 12 in monopoly, check the math, it's true). Imagine how red your face will be when the best-case scenario happens, and you're not prepared for it. You may laugh at me (ha ha ha), but I carry very random specific objects with me at all times in preparation for a fortuitous moment.

Item 1: Bucket
Best Case Scenario: Money falls from the sky.
Comments: If money falls from the sky, everybody knows the best item to have is a bucket. Everyone will be trying to stuff money into their pockets and European satchels, but those only have limited space. A bucket is basically bottomless if you ignore the inner dimensions of the bucket. My bucket is decorated with a dollar sign on it to explain its purpose.

Item 2: Leather jacket
Best Case Scenario: Someone decides to give away their Ferrari to the coolest person they see.
Comments: There's always a chance that a local Ferrari dealer is willing to give away their last Ferrari on the lot just to get the dealer bonus. However, the dealer can't just hand it to anyone, he's got to give to the person who best exemplifies coolness. That's where the leather jacket comes into play. You don't even have to wear it, just hold it Zack Morris style (over your back with one hand) and you will stand out among the rest. Just think as you are driving away in your new free car (don't worry about taxes, the government decided to let this gift slide), I'm so glad I found this rhinestone leather jacket from my mom's closet.

Item 3: Mop
Best Case Scenario: A sudden promotion
Comments: Your boss runs into your office with a worried look on his face. He's forgotten to get a gift for his young daughter's birthday. It's already 9 pm, the malls are all closed, what is he to do? That is when you reveal the mop you've been carrying with you everyday to work. You pull off the stick and hand the yarn bundle to your boss. It's a Justin Bieber hair replica. Your boss is overjoyed because his daughter is a Bieber-ite! Not only does your boss perform the moonwalk, he gives you a promotion. And it's all because you had that mop.

FHS Advice #1

We recently got a letter from an anonymous reader asking if we could post some advice. We thought that was a great idea. We're ashamed we hadn't thought of it before. So thanks reader!

Here's the text of the letter:

Dear FHS,

I am getting married this weekend and I was wondering if you had any tips or advice that I should keep in mind for the day? Anything will be helpful. Your blog is awesomely funny and I read it everyday.

Your Pal,

Bro-in' to the Chapel

Well first of all, thanks for reading. We try working pretty hard to bring a small blip of joy to our readers' days so it means a lot when people let us know that they think we're doing a good job. :) Anyway, we don't know how qualified we are as neither one of us is married, but to the advice!

1. Make sure to go to the bathroom before your ceremony begins
2. Wear clean underwear. You'll feel fresher and the wedding party may thank you for it.
3. Do not eat chili on the night before your wedding. Just don't do it.
4. If you hear a funny noise when you're in front of everyone, it was the floorboards. Trust me.
5. If you need to pass gas, don't do it when music is playing. Sound can't block scent.
6. If all else fails, just wear a brown suit.

We hope this advice is helpful. Just remember to pace yourself, you don't want to poop yourself out before the cake is even cut! And most importantly, this is your big day, one that you and your spouse-to-be have worked hard to plan, so just enjoy and savor it.

Love,

FHS

Hyperbole

Can you imagine a world where hyperbole was taken literally? Pretty awesome right? Maybe you're thinking, "What are you talking about?" Allow me to explain.

Hyperbole is defined as:

hyperbole |hīˈpərbəlē|
noun
exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally.

It's essentially lying, so I'd be lying less. But not only that, it would be a strong motivator for us to I would think harder about what words I use, which if you know me, I'm not very so very nice at doing ... that.

Example A:
I'd think carefully about telling someone how hungry I was because I knew that if I said, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," they would feed me a horse. I don't like horse meat! And to make things worse, I'd see all that food and I'd feel bad wasting it and I'd force myself to eat a lot more than I needed. This would make me fatter and give me heart disease and thus kill me at the tender age of 12.

Example B:
I need my phone on me at all times so that I can do all the important things like update my blog while driving and play games while on the toilet. Needless to say, I am naked without it. If hyperbole was to be taken literally, I would never leave my cell phone at home because if I am naked without it, every time I left it at home, I'd get arrested for indecent exposure, preventing me from living out my dream of being Raffi's understudy.

So I think it's pretty clear life would be a lot better if we took hyperbole literally. So do it because if you don't I will get so mad, I'll die.

Rejected Joshua Harris Book Titles

Calvin and I were looking through the trash one day (for McRib boxes to eat, the boxes are just as delicious as the sandwiches themselves) and we stumbled upon a document that contained a list of crossed-out titles all written by the one and only Joshua Harris. Here is what we found on that document.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye alternate titles:

• So Long, Dating!
• Hey Dating, Say Hi To Your Mother For Me
• I DTR'd My Dates Away
• I Kissed Marriage Hello
• I Bid Farewell to Dating by means of a Kiss
• I Pecked Dating Goodbye
• I Refuse to Share a Drink with Dating
• I Blocked Dating on Gchat

Boy Meets Girl alternate titles:

• Boy Texts Girl
• Girl Not Interested
• Boy Awkwardly Talks to Girl
• Girl Waits For Boy
• Girl Fed Up
• Boy Mans Up, Then Talks to Girl with Confidence
• Boy Gets Girl
• Boy Meets World

hold on

Sorry readers, Calvin and I spent all night analyzing Jason Mraz lyrics in an attempt to find contradictory statements. Our findings so far: no contradictions (but we won't worry our lives away). As a result, we don't really have anything to post today. Please hold on for one more day.

Sorry, John Mayer

Dear John Mayer, Columbia Records and affiliates:

Please accept our apologies for making the claim that you give bad advice. We are a blog with a reputation for posts and sometimes humor. Yet, we are embarrassed that we took your songs, which are of high quality, out of context. John, we are very sorry. Our bad, J-May.

Our most valuable asset is our readers and we aim to please those who are loyal in their readership and clearly you are as such. We deeply regret the post. Surely, you can sympathize with us in regards to saying things that are misunderstood or taken out of context. We feel your anguish and are sorry for the same.

If either one of us can be of further help, please do not hesitate to contact us via comments. We check them often. We will reply at the first opportunity lest we upset you more. With this apology, we consider the matter closed, per our agreement.

Sincerely,

For Humor's Sake

Like us, Love us, Gotta Have us

You will notice that we have a recent addition to our blog posts: the like and un-like button! We will teach you have to use it properly.

Please LIKE us if:

• The post was funny.
• The post speaks the truth.
• The post brings up a scenario that you've also experienced.
• You like Calvin and/or Jared.
• You plan to marry Calvin.
• You are bored.

Please UN-LIKE us if:

• The post went over your head.
• The post was not funny.
• The post spoke heresy (and it wasn't sarcastic).
• The post spoke something positive about Justin Bieber.

Until next time,
FHS