What's in a name? Part 1

My parents named me after a Biblical character. Calvin's parents named him after a cartoon character. For all you expectant parents out there, here's a guide to a list of Biblical names that you should probably avoid giving to your child. We decided to pick one name for each letter of the alphabet, because all baby name books are ordered alphabetically. We'll start off with A through M today.

A - Abimelech
This guy got clowned twice by a father-son duo. Your child won't be able to marry someone without getting cursed.

B - Baal
Naming your child after a pagan god probably won't work out...unless he's Christian.

C - Christ
I'm pretty sure your child will not live up to the expectations of the name.

D - Dorcas
We probably don't need to explain this, Malorkus.

E - Elimelech
Your child would get struck down by God if he tries to leave the country.

F - Festus
Meet the Addams Family, Uncle Festus.

G - Goliath
He's going to get beaten up by little kids when he grows up.

H - Ham
Just asking for fat jokes.

I - Ir
Your child would hear people say "err" so much that he'd think everyone was talking to him.

J - Judas
You're basically telling your kid that you want him to be a church treasurer when he grows up.

K - Kenan
If we're going by careers, I guess it could be worse, you could name your kid Kel

L - Lazarus
People won't know whether to bury him or not when he dies. Also a terribly difficult name for chinese grandparents to say "razalus-ah"

M - Manasseh
This was one bad king dude, and it's basically a combination of man and Vanessa. (There's nothing wrong with the name Vanessa, I just wouldn't call my son that.)